I have OCD, and CPTSD . I’m currently being treated with weekly therapy (mix of CBT, radical acceptance and exposure/response prevention) . Am at level 2 of NHS provision so they said moderate illness but they’re thinking I need level 3 care so moderate to severe illness . I’m also on mirtazapine and beta blockers; the former is making me fatter and the latter is making me feel horrendous with low blood pressure/fainting on standing for prolonged periods .
On a good day I can go for a walk in my village, but only with my mum with me . I can’t go shopping alone . I can barely cope with being in the house alone . I was getting better and managing more; and then I had a huge panic attack in September last year ... after over ten years of anxiety I thought I’d experienced it all but this one has me dialling 999 as I thought I was dying . NHS24, 999, GP and therapist said it was almost certainly ‘just’ a panic attack but I still wonder - I thought I was going to die there and then .
I’m spending majority of my time on the sofa crying, watching daytime tv and staring out the window .
I’ve lost the friends I had, I sort of stopped replying to everyone and now don’t hear a word . Understandably . I’ve one close friend who’s promised me she’s dragging me out for lunch next week (actually physically coming to my front door to make sure I go) but that’s about it .
My anxiety is all based on health; I’m permanently worried I (or relatives) will drop dead . My first ever episode of severe anxiety I was in a uni building with a defibrillator on the wall and I think it’s sort of a fixation .
Six years ago I was totally independent . I lived alone, travelled (not internationally or anything, just around area), I worked full time, I had a proper social life; I loved going to the library and to coffee shops with a book, or walking along the beach .
Then my life sort of fell apart, I went through some awful awful things and in 2019 I decided I’d had enough, I wasn’t wanted or needed here and did silly things . That point’s where I’m trying to pull myself back from .
I have got things I’m good at - I’ve managed to complete a year of study from home and got outstanding/distinction in my exams, that would lead to a good career one day.
But I’m so utterly, totally, desperate to not feel frightened - I find I get up and just sit and feel totally overwhelmed because I think of how much I need to do, and how unachievable it all feels . I’ve spent all of today just sitting staring and it’s a beautiful day, I live ten minutes from the beach but when I say, I want to go there, my body says; but you might die on the way .
It’s so awful I ended up in tears with my therapist last week and said, can she not just fix all this and take it all away, it’s like a never ending flu that I can’t get over . It’s absolutely awful . Therapist said the answer is to accept how I feel; stop fighting the anxiety and to try and live alongside it, that will reduce it - said more I fight back the more anxious I feel and it’s a vicious cycle; but I’m struggling so much .
And ultimately terrified, as this breakdown’s been awful in every way - they said OCD isn’t curable and it could get worse again - I’m not sure I’d manage this all over again .