How to stop family dumping their mental load onto me?

[thebeesknees123]

Examples.

My mother is very elderly and needs us to pop in to see if she is OK or needs anything. My sister keeps ringing me in a panic that she is worried Mum might be ill/not taking medication/not eating/needs intervention and suggests that one of us needs to see her/book dr appointment etc but she doesn't have time so could I?

Earlier on, DH phones me. We are having a takeaway. He phones me to ask me to look on Internet to see if there are any deals. I tell him to do it but he says he hasn't got time but I point out he has time to ring me. In the end, I say we'll both look when he gets home.

DD17 never seems to have what she needs to wear/for lunch etc for school. I am supposed to be psychic and know she has enough pants/tights/stuff for lunch. I try to pre-empt all these things as much as possible but can't do everything.

I do work, too but shifts. Today is my day off, technically, although I have a bit of work to complete at home, which is only about once a week and it doesn't take very long if I am left to get on with it, which is rare these days.

Not overly sure what to suggest OP, but wanted to show solidarity! I have two teenage dc who love to come home from school and offload on to me, so when dh comes home they are practically mute and I am exhausted. Some days I can deal with it but other times I have to say not today, speak to your dad! I can only suggest gently but firmly telling them no or you are busy so they will have to deal with it. Easier said than done I know.

But you’ve got the day off and nothing to do!!!!! That’s what they think I’m sure.

So daughter is I think the easiest to deal with - just let her sort it out. You say you have pre empted as much as poss so done some washing/shopping so at 17 she can wash or just wear something, make alternative food or buy something.

My husband would probably do the same and think it’s task I would like. I would probably just see if I have a chance and then leave it.

I’m not sure about your sister though. Generally just not doing these things when people can do them themselves is the way to go I think.

*wear something else

You decide which things really require your input and help. You also get to decide what is actually everyone else dumping their shit on you to deal with. Use the word no more regularly and don't feel guilty when you inevitably get some kind of sob story. Keep on keeping on.

I think... You need to have a phone off day. Just switch it off and say you didnt notice it was out of battery. They'll all live, I promise.

Alternately tell them you don't have time now and you'll get back to them later (never).

This is why I very frequently ignore the phone and let voicemail pick up a message. If it’s urgent, the caller will say so, and if not, then I will ignore until such a time as it suits me. Your DD is old enough to sort herself out, and your DH is perfectly capable of looking up deals himself. With your DSis, I think you need to have a conversation about how to share your mother’s care. Instead of ringing you in a flap, why doesn’t she call your mum or go round there?

You can’t pour from an empty cup and all these demands are draining yours. Some are unavoidable but you can definitely plug a leak or two.

My mother is very elderly and needs us to pop in to see if she is OK or needs anything. My sister keeps ringing me in a panic that she is worried Mum might be ill/not taking medication/not eating/needs intervention and suggests that one of us needs to see her/book dr appointment etc but she doesn't have time so could I?

I assume you don't really believe your sister doesn't have time? In which case, the answer is a simple, "I'm sorry, I can't do that and as you are the one who saw her/spoke to her and think it's necessary, you should handle it anyway. I'll check in on her tomorrow while I'm there."

Earlier on, DH phones me. We are having a takeaway. He phones me to ask me to look on Internet to see if there are any deals. I tell him to do it but he says he hasn't got time but I point out he has time to ring me. In the end, I say we'll both look when he gets home.

I assume you DO have time, so this is the irritation of the ridiculousness of him dumping this on you? I'd probably lose my temper and point out that he could do it himself, but that one probably depends on your relationship.

DD17 never seems to have what she needs to wear/for lunch etc for school. I am supposed to be psychic and know she has enough pants/tights/stuff for lunch. I try to pre-empt all these things as much as possible but can't do everything.

She's 17. Stop doing it. If she hasn't sorted it herself or asked you in advance, she must solve the problem herself.

Your DH, a competent grown man presumably with access to the internet, actually phones you to ask you to look up something on the internet?!! Exactly how long does typing “dominos voucher” or whatever into google take? Who even plans their takeaway that far in advance?! How in the world are you/he making such a big deal about ordering a takeaway?

Your daughter is well old enough to deal with her own laundry and buying sufficient pants to last a couple of weeks - tell her her clothes are now entirely her responsibility. If she wants something particular for lunch she writes it on the list/adds to your internet grocery order at the appropriate time or she goes shopping herself. Otherwise she can make something with whatever is available.

Your mother - depends. If it’s your sister flapping, she can deal with it. If you think your mother might genuinely be unwell or need help then I guess it makes sense for you to deal with it on a non working day, but I’d expect her to deal with it on days the situation is reversed.

Re the takeaway, yes, I do have time to look now but, yes, it's the ridiculousness of it. Why can't we look at 5 o'clock and decide when everyone is home? It's as if he's always trying to fill my time.

With my mum, again, I could have popped round when dsis called yesterday but I had already spent the previous day there sorting out her seeing out of hours doc, getting medication, setting up timings on her phone then dsis rings her to hear she is confused about the medication and so rings me to say she would do it herself but is cooking dinner. Like I don't eat? Ds had also been, quite rightly, complaining that I'd spent no time with him.

Dh himself had been listening sympathetically to my rant yesterday then....this

While dd is in her own little world and ds is young yet. Yes, definitely could do with plugging a leak

It's management rather than parenting but the 1 minute manager and the monkey approach might be a good way to approach conversations about this. summarises it nicely.

I use do not disturb on my mobile a lot. It just shows the missed calls so I can return them when its convenient.

Thanks for the monkey link. I've watched this and could apply these principles at home