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The Swingset Saga

18 replies

Bortles · 21/06/2021 12:49

Building a swingset today for 6yr old DD.
Grandma and DP here to help.
Uncle has been called in as he's 'meticulous' and we all know DP doesn't read instructions on principle.
I'm 'helping' too, though how much help I can be with three other people already arguing, I don't know. I've brought a chair.
The dogs are miserable and shut inside as they hate power tools.

We started at 10am. So far....
Meticulous uncle dropped a VERY IMPORTANT nut in the newly cut grass. Nobody can find it.
I have rummaged around and found DDs giant magnets in her room. Three adults then crawled around on the damp grass to find it.
Despite it being newly cut grass, nobody can find it.
Uncle stuck his finger down a hole and poked a slug.
Dowloaded a metal detector app. Still no luck.
DP desperate for a cup of tea.

An hour later. DP and grandma arguing about drill bits. Instructions say a number two. He insists his number two is the size of a toothpick. She insists the hole HAS to be smaller than the bolt or the screw or it won't bite into the wood. He says he knows and finally looks at the instructions himself.
She means a screwdriver head.

Another hour later. I'm hanging DDs socks out. After a bio soak, vanish and a normal wash, the bottoms are still mudstained.
The baby is crying in its pen that someone brought outdoors.
DP is desperate for a cup of tea.

Grandma calls in a very well-meaning old neighbour with his drill. His masculinity challenged, DP ups the mansplaining by repeating grandma's own phrase about the wood biting in a patronising tone to meticulous uncle.
Meticulous uncle says the entire day is being wasted. He probably still feels guilty about dropping the nut.
We have two hours before DD gets home....
I'm going inside to make tea.

OP posts:
Bortles · 21/06/2021 13:00

They're yelling for me to give the baby a snack. I have hurled some veggie crisps and a soft biscotti at her.
As I went out they said, 'Daddy's going in! Look, he's about to go in!' because DP, surrounded by the others was drilling hole for the first bit of the A-frame.
As I walked away, they were yelling, 'he's dropped the screw!'

OP posts:
Bortles · 21/06/2021 13:01
  • Not literally hurled. Passed her them. She is very sweet and still trapped out their listening to the madness! ** drilling A hole. drilling hole sounds like something awful frat boys might do.
OP posts:
Bortles · 21/06/2021 13:02

* there not their. Brew Brew Brew Brew Brew

OP posts:

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FelicityBeedle · 21/06/2021 13:03

Sounds bloody awful OP

Bortles · 21/06/2021 13:40

Baby protesting so much over lunch that dogs decided drilling was preferable and ran for it when MU came in to say it was only supposed to take two hours and he'd have to go home soon.
Caught dogs. Drilling resumed amidst enough drilling, screwing, clamping and tightening innuendo to make an old neighbour's day.

OP posts:
Bortles · 21/06/2021 13:41

MU says, can we spare a slice of bread as he hasn't eaten for 7 hours?
Certainly bringing out the dramatic in all of us, @FelicityBeedle

OP posts:
Aroundtheworldin80moves · 21/06/2021 13:46

Have you borrowed my FIL by mistake? Anything DIY based turns into a project as complicated as building a suspension bridge around him.

growinggreyer · 21/06/2021 13:49

Perhaps you can throw it together tomorrow when they have all buggered off. I suggest that you borrow a trick from my Mum. Develop a 'head' and go to lie down in your bedroom. Take the chocolate biscuits and the baby with you.

idontlikealdi · 21/06/2021 13:50

Give up and pay someone to do it.

CrumpetsForAll · 21/06/2021 13:55

Send them all to B&Q for a replacement bolt and knock it together while they’re gone.

pussycatlickinglollyices · 21/06/2021 13:56

Make DP go on it first.

You don't want DC to hurt themselves because of a missing very important nut.

Bortles · 21/06/2021 14:19

Old neighbour brought spare nut so that is now aok.
Finishing touch was the safety mats. Only one has arrived out of three so put it under the most likely area of disaster -(trapeze) and will order more.
Old neighbour left saying he'd come back when we decided to move it three feet to the left(!) as it was set up at a bizarre angle!
DP desperate for a wee.
MU desperate to go home.
Grandma saying, 'what shall we build next?'
Lovely day.
Dd will be thrilled.

OP posts:
Polkadots2021 · 21/06/2021 15:50

@Bortles

* Not literally hurled. Passed her them. She is very sweet and still trapped out their listening to the madness! ** drilling A hole. drilling hole sounds like something awful frat boys might do.
Oh God this made me laugh! I was not expecting that clarification (about the drilling hole)
SingToTheSky · 21/06/2021 15:56

Surely the reason it all went to shit is that you didn’t have an Elderly Korean Lady sitting and observing? Everyone knows that’s essential for outdoor DIY.

I love the way you write OP :o

FreezerBird · 21/06/2021 15:56

If they're anything like my extended family, in years to come they will look lovingly at the swing set and say things like "didn't we have a lovely day together setting that up?" while you wonder if you've entered a parallel universe.

motogogo · 21/06/2021 16:01

This is why throughout my marriage I got my dad to come and put things together. Exh did far more faffing about and loosing bits. These days dp just pays someone to do it

SallySycamore · 21/06/2021 16:23

@FreezerBird

If they're anything like my extended family, in years to come they will look lovingly at the swing set and say things like "didn't we have a lovely day together setting that up?" while you wonder if you've entered a parallel universe.
I think we share extended family. Grin

Sadly, I am not immune — I organise an event every year which causes me sleepless nights, lots of running around, on the day I'm usually too worried about something going wrong to properly enjoy it, and then about six months later I think "Wasn't it lovely? We should start planning next year's soon".

I can't wait for OP's post about building a complicated dolls' house at 10 pm on Christmas Eve. Grin

FricasseeTurnips · 21/06/2021 16:28

Hahahhaaha This reminds me of the time my dad reckoned he could put up a triple swing set with slide. By himself- he specifically wanted to get it done before DH came home from work. I had 3 DC under 4 at the time.

What actually happened is that I ended up with one screaming child in a playpen, one screaming child in a sling on me, one screaming child with a plastic toolbox losing all the bits and one screaming dad with a metal toolbox losing all the bits. We were still out there in the dark when DH came home Grin I think it took almost a week in the end.

What really made it worse was that literally the week after next door also had a massive swing set put up - by professionals in about 4 hours without any screaming by anyone.

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