Moving DC away from grandparents

[Gingerale12]

Hi all. We are thinking of moving about a 3 hour drive from where we live currently and I am so worried about impact on my DD (7). Both sets of her GP live local to us at the moment and she loves them love dearly. She is a sensitive soul and I just don't know if I can move her away from them. We see one set at least twice a week. The reason for moving is that we will never be able to afford to buy where we are (SE) and we are getting older and more stressed at not having a mortgage. DH and I love the other area but we have no family or friends there. It's a horrible drive from here so you couldn't really do it in a day. We are getting to the point of having to make moves, plans etc re this new area and I get excited about it until I think of DD and the potential effect on her and not seeing GPs regularly and I get stressed and upset. I wish that there was a way we could stay here and buy but we can't. There is no where else we would want to move to that is closer and that we could afford. I wish we had made the move when she was younger and more pliable IYSWIM. Has anyone been in this position? How did DC take it?

Where is the new area? I think you need to live where you need to. But bear in mind that parents have needs when they get older, especially when one dies and this is tougher 3 hours away. It's not a reason not to move but IMO more of a consideration. My DM lives two hours away and I go back at least once a month for a weekend and spend half terms and a few days each school holiday there so they can still see each other.

@MargaretFraggle yes that is a good point that I didn't consider. They are all only in their 60s but who knows what could happen. I just can't see a way to buy in SE.

What is your budget? Have you looked at more urban areas? Friends of mine bought affordably in Horndean and like it. It looked pretty reasonable compared to where I am (also SE).

it depends where you are 3 hours from here is about 165 miles as driving is easy on good roads but in some places 3 hours might only get you about 100 miles due to traffic slow roads so your average speed is barely 30mph never mind 60-70mph
if your driving is 5 miles to motorway then 2.5 hours on motorway then 5 miles from end of junction that is a much easier drive than going through 15 different towns and 40 sets of traffic lights and long queues bottle necks in 4 different places unless you travel at 4am
There are cheaper places in SE but they tend to be in places not on direct commutes to london or in the sticks or in places like Rochester which it appears doesn't have the best reputation but I'm not from SE so can't comment a lot but I can understand that 3 hours away maybe the first nice place OP's family can afford

GPs moved to be near us when they were in early 70s and downsizing. Being close to them has been lovely particularly in their later years.
I understand your dilemma.

Honestly I think having family close by is much more important than an ideal house. What can you afford in the SE? If you can get a flat with a garden and the bedrooms you need within an hour of your parents than I would personally compromise if possible.

On the plus side your DD is old enough to be able to keep in contact with them independently using Skype/similar, getting to an age where she could stay with them for a long weekend and I’m assuming you’ll have a spare room for visits? Contact will change but not stop.

Would the grandparents consider moving too, to be near you? I would think not as they will probably have their own friends close by, but it might be worth asking them.

I wouldn't move and I don't think this is a really good enough reason to turn the life of your daughter upside down. It's not just her GP but her friends and everything she has ever known.

I say that as someone who does live far from family and my kids don't have regular face to face contacts with GP.

What about buying and renting down there? Help you get some equity behind yourself?

generally a 7 year old will adapt quite quickly to a new school and make new friends I would agree not moving once started in secondary but at 7 it should be fine, I do not think it is realistic for parents not to buy and rent for another 11-12 years while waiting for their DD to finish school
considering your child is important but it is not the only consideration by a long shot and wanting to buy not rent for ever is a reasonable thing, people move with children for work all the time a couple of moves does no harm while moving every 2 years all through childhood may.

I wouldn’t do it OP.

Could you afford a garden flat?

My parents retired and chose to move so far away that we hardly ever see them now.

Thanks all for your replies.

We could probably afford a flat within an hour of GPs but I have my heart set on a house I suppose! This is my dilemma. There may be houses we could afford in SE but all urban areas like someone said and my heart is just not in these places.

GPs would not move no, they all work still.

Take on board the conflicting comments re DC getting used to it and also no it's better to stay and have supportive family. It's so hard 😫.

Thanks all

I moved almost 3hr away from my family some time ago, DC was four so a bit younger but used to seeing GP and cousins once a week. We couldn’t afford anything more than a flat in London and now have a nice house with a garden, which is amazing for DC, and our quality of life has shot through the roof with a smaller mortgage and more space. DC does miss family but is very involved with their new school friends and exploring our new area, so the blow was lessened by the new exciting things on offer, which you may find too with your DD.

We FaceTime or phone at least once a week and in normal times, find it quite easy to drive back monthly for an overnight stay (half motorway half A-road drive of about 150 miles). We’ve also done it in a day a couple of times and it was tiring, but doable on a few strong coffees and some iPad games in the car for DC. I had lived in London my whole life and was initially so nervous about leaving everyone behind and being far away from loved ones, but we’re so busy that time flies between visits and we’ve enjoyed the quality of longer visits with family instead of weekly for just a couple of hours. GP also came to stay for a week recently which was so fun and DC loved showing them around.

I would say go for it, especially while your parents are quite young still. It doesn’t have to be permanent if you don’t like it, or they might even end up moving closer to you. It’s hard I know, but you need to live your lives for yourselves and DD primarily, and it sounds like overall this move would benefit you. I still feel close to my family and feel like I spend a good amount of time with them without Herculean effort.

Good luck!

Also I’ve moved somewhere semi-rural and I absolutely love it, seeing fields and animals instead of cars and tower blocks and endless people everywhere is fab! Can definitely recommend getting out of urban SE areas if you prefer the quiet life.

Just to add, it’s much easier if the GP have a guest room and you have one at your end too. We have an en-suite guest room at our house, and I sleep with my family in my old bedroom at DP’s house, makes visiting a lot easier and cheaper, which is why we can do it monthly with no hassle.

Some cheaper places in SE are not urban, e.g. North Baddesley is a village situated near countryside and in Test Valley. I can think of others.

I would agree that longer stays are almost nicer than more frequent visits for tea though. We have GP both down the road and two hours away. But that's with no real health issues yet.

@sorensad thank you for your words which were good to hear! Very good points. It's true about living life primarily for you and DC and the GPs would definitely agree with that!

Grandparents moved 5 hr away, they call weekly and send letters. They use to zoom call often although now dc are older it's more whatsap messages to keep in touch. Grandma reading gruffalo over zoom at bedtime everyone in pj's with hot choclate. They have a better relationship with dc than my parent who live 5minutes away because they want to keep in touch, that's what matters.

Ask them to consider moving too?