Do I stay or do I go now?

[Ritascornershop]

My kids are now young adults and it’s not 100% certain what city they will settle in forever. One is married and lives with her husband, the other is with me and at university.

Circumstances have changed and I can no longer afford my mortgage. House prices are ridiculous here, so if I sold I have 3 choices; 1) sell and buy a cheap flat here with the equity on my house: I’ll miss the garden a lot and any flat I can afford I won’t like 2) sell and move somewhere rural, not too far away in case my kids stay here 3) move thousands of miles away (I’m not in the UK) and buy in a lovely part of the country where houses are ridiculously cheap but where I don’t know a soul and where the culture would be quite different (more traditional, not the food choices I’m used to).

I think it boils down to: stay here and move to a flat I’d hate but be near my kids and friends or move far away and not know anyone but have the house of my dreams.

Moving to a place I wouldn’t like would feel like I’ve failed. Bad enough losing my home of a couple of decades, but what I can afford I don’t like (we don’t have old building stock, mostly 40-50 year old stuff thrown up by cowboy builders - my relatives’ homes in the UK of that vintage are fine, here they’re a bit crap, small, dark, and leaky). On the other hand is moving alone to a totally new place a good idea at my age?

Make my decisions for me :) I have no idea what’s best!

Rural might not be great as you age OP....I think a flat is the best option but you'll need to adjust your attitude.

There's no reason to keep saying "I'll hate it"

That's a very negative point of view.

Tackle it as a challenge to find the BEST flat. Fill it with plants. Get window boxes.

Firstly you move got to become more open minded about your options and about the types of property available. I was in a similar position about 18 months ago. Single, divorced with both children now adults. I couldn't afford to remain in my home of 25 years but needed to downsize whilst staying close to family and work. It took 8 months of looking and countless viewings of properties most of which I wanted to cry when I saw them as they were grim. However I kept looking and eventually found the house I'm in now and I love it.

Just bought a flat and I love it.
Swimming pool, gym, climbing wall and garden I don’t have to maintain.
2 bed flat which I can clean so quickly compared to a house.
Looking at joining local community garden to meet people.
Good luck with your decision

Posted too soon.

I managed to downsize and now have some rainy day savings. I had to moved about 12 miles from my home town which is nothing really .

It's surprising how property prices vary from county to county and how many different sort of properties come up for sale once you really start looking.
My commute is 5 miles longer each way but actually much quicker as it's straight down the motorway.

It takes a while to get your head around such a big change after 25 years in the home i raised my family in but I've been in my new house now for a year and it's the best decision I could have made.

Accepting that this is what you have to do is the first step op.

Can you just rent for a while and test the waters?

@iminthegarden

Can you just rent for a while and test the waters?

If she can't afford her mortgage then she won't want to throw money away on rent.

If one child has already left home, could you take in a lodger? Perhaps a friend of your other child, for some extra income.

Is your son able to contribute more towards your housing costs, particularly if he gets a job on graduating? Can you take in a lodger? The extra income might help you to stay in your house a bit longer which would give you more time to consider your options.

Could you rent your current house above the mortgage costs and use a bit of that money to rent a smaller place but with a garden?

I don’t hate flats!!! I hate every single flat here that I can afford as they are poorly built and dark and damp. It’s not the UK, the building standards are crap here and it shows. I do not hate flats.

I do worry about being rural and aging for sure.

The problem (as I see it) is more: great house but potentially miss friends and family or place I hate and have friends and family nearby.

And yes, maybe I’d get used to a new crap place, but I would never think “wow, I sure love this dark and damp condominium”. The issue isn’t really “how do I change my taste”, it’s “will I meet new people?” (I’d still miss people here of course!).

I also feel I’ve had pretty bad luck here and a fresh start kind of appeals. Kind of telling all the bad things that have happened here to get stuffed. But I’m not an impetuous person and worry a huge change might be too much. But what I could afford thousands of kilometres away is so lovely. On the other hand my best friend keeps begging me to stay.

The rents here are also mad and there’s very little available so renting this house likely woudln’t work (though I think it would in a lot of markets).

We’ve tried lodgers, it’s been mostly pretty awful.

Can you tell us the country OP so we can think of more choices? Maybe think outside of the box?

I would be reluctant to move a huge distance away if you don't know anyone.

I’m in Canada and the country is stupidly big. The cities and towns are a long way apart so to move to a different place is going to be at least 2 hours away (minimum), or dream home places are maybe a 7 hour plane ride away (so once a year visit if that).

The dream houses are intensely lovely though, and I would have loads of money left over. If my (adult) kids moved across country I’d definitely go.

Are there really no decent flats in Canada? I live in Oz...settled later than Canada and we have decent flats here. Even though a lot were built in the 60s and 70s they're fine. What part of Canada?

@Mintjulia

If one child has already left home, could you take in a lodger? Perhaps a friend of your other child, for some extra income.

Oh god, no, she wouldn't want someone that age as a lodger!

Could your house be converted into two flats, so that you have the ground floor with the garden but either rent out or sell the top part?

Rural communities can be quite insular, so it make take a while to feel accepted there. I'm not sure I'd enjoy being a single person in that situation.

If it was me, I'd gain more pleasure from being close to my dc and seeing them regularly, but I don't think anyone can say what is better for you.

Could your house be converted into two flats, so that you have the ground floor with the garden but either rent out or sell the top part?

I was about to suggest looking into this....is there a reasonably priced way of having a lodger but keeping them separate from the main house, maybe just a couple of rooms with a kitchenette? Might not be beyond the realms of possibility.

That’s a good point about rural communities being insular, I hadn’t thought of that.

Are there no decent flats? Of course there are. But they are either out of my price range or back east (where it’s been settled longer). Where I live has only been settled for about 140 years and they love nothing more than to tear down old buildings here or gut them back to the studs and strip away all the character (grey laminate floorboards are all the rage).

I can’t afford to divide the house and can’t get a loan as my income is too low. We have tried having students in a semi-separate area but most of them have been nightmares and I’m just not up to it anymore.

I really don’t mean to sound no, no, no, but I think (?) ive thought through the possibilities. Ten years ago I would have been up for trying to stay but after a series of unfortunate events and ensuing depression I’ve lost my fight.

I think I'd want to stay nearer to my children, though. Anyone could find a great place to live if they could look hundreds or thousands of miles away. Moving to a new area brings so many stresses, particularly if you're doing it alone.

How likely is it that your children will move away and if they do, are they likely to move to the same area?

How old are you? Could you extend your mortgage? Or could you buy a flat but take out a new short term mortgage?

It’s hard to predict if the kids will stay here. It’s so unaffordable for young people, I suppose I expect them to leave at some point.

I couldn’t even get a loan for the equivalent of £7000 as my income is too low (the bank wasn’t interested in the huge equity in the house), so I need what I buy to be with the equity and no mortgage.

So far no votes for going mad and moving a 7 hour plane ride away! I do know people who’ve done it - to an extend Canadians think differently about distance.

Perhaps the in-between option of moving to a rural community that’s 2 hours away. Near enough for visits and more affordable. It’s all making my brain ache.

Honestly OP I think you're creating problems. We can't all live in the sort of house we'd like best...the fact is that you can move into a flat...just not the nicest one.

You aren't counting your blessings. You're in a fortunate position in many ways. Make the flat you do buy as nice as possible.

You shouldn't move rurally and you might find that the 7 hour flight for the other option means you'll barely see your kids in the coming years.

Just get a flat.