I suppose I can't. It's a silly question. But I feel deflated, useless, and nothing of note. I feel life is just never going to be at all what I'd wanted for myself. No life is perfect, but I see so much that I want to do, and can't. Tonight I feel like life just isn't worth it. My son is my only savour in this, but it also makes me feel sad that I couldn't leave even if I wanted to. As who would take care of him?
When DC was 18 months, I had to give up my Access to Nursing course. He was very obviously needing a lot of hands on support, and advocation in other areas unrelated to his Autism, of which was diagnosed at age 2.5.
His health issues are very much under control but he is still requiring a lot of support now at age 4. He is non verbal, no understanding of anything much, attends a special school. My God, I love the very bones of him, but it's a difficult life. Other medical issues too.
My 'dearest' H decided he wasn't prepared to handle any quirks, and before our son was 2, he left us. He pays for him, but refuses to see him. His family don't want to know us. I do not have the luxury of any family support, beyond emotional support which has been good, a real Godsend at times. I completely sympathise that it simply isn't doable for most people to handle him, therefore I'm not resentful that my own family can't give me the odd hour or two once a month to just do something for myself. But I do feel sad. Especially as they are incredibly hands on with other DGC.
I am feeling incredibly low again this evening. No sleep, DS up at all hours despite medication to aid sleep. I am often so utterly exhausted I cannot drive my car.
I cannot work properly - There are endless appointments and therapies. Lots of support required. I simply cannot have any form of career. I don't know when or if I'll be able to. I work PT from home and I'm not overly strapped for cash. I feel low because I feel strapped for opportunities.
A few of the people I started Access with had a catch up with me today, speaking about their job, challenges they face, but just how much they really do enjoy their work. Some have specified what area they'd like to specialise in and I sat with utter envy! Although of course I did not let on.
Sometimes I feel so sad at the thought of my younger years (under 35) going before me, that I simply want to crawl under a rock and not come out. I don't. I keep on going for my son. But some of it is truly soil destroying.
We had a lovely holiday last year, booked again for this year, but cancelled due to it not being a safe country Covid wise. I think because it was due now that I'm feeling slightly more annoyed at things!
How on earth can I stop feeling like this? I feel like someone was starting my engine in life, and then left the key in the ignition, but the car stopped after a while, aware it wasn't going anywhere 