I think I'm having a nervous breakdown

[OhToBeASeahorse]

I dont even know if that is the right phrase. I feel like I'm mentally dying. Like I'm being tortured.

What can I do?

No you're not doing wrong at all. You're just finding it hard. And it is sometimes. It's hard and it's lonely at times. Xx

6 years old and 11 months … not 6 months 🤣

I know you don’t want to see your baby distressed, no one does. But i think sleep training is really necessary in your situation.

@OhToBeASeahorse I think I remember you from one of your previous threads, was it about breastfeeding I seem to remember? Hope you're ok. Do you want to share any more about what's going on? How old are your babies?

Once I was ina better place I posted some information about my MH struggles. I thought everyone and j mean EVERYONE must have seen me breaking inside… turns out even my sister hadn’t realised what was going on. It may seem like everyone else is coping but it’s just not true. I imagine most people look at you and think you’re doing jusy fine.

I’m not saying this in a “so pull yourself together” way. I’m saying that you’d be surprised how many people are struggling and you just don’t know. You are not alone xxxxxx

Sorry to hear you are struggling.
If you aren’t keen on sleep training have you tried co-sleeping? My first used to wake up every 1-2 hours so gave up trying to get him in his cot and coslept. It’s seemed to help him sleep for longer stretches and wasn’t so disruptive for me having to actually get out of bed to settle him.

Have you tried mindfulness?
When I had a breakdown I found listening to meditation on YouTube really helped me get a good night's sleep. This is a good one m.youtube.com/watch?v=MIr3RsUWrdo&feature=share
Have you got a partner to help with the children?

My youngest would wake between 5 and 15 times a night (due to a medical issue) and it drove me absolutely to the brink of mental collapse.
How old is your non-sleeper? Would co-sleeping help? That's what we did and it really did make an unbearable time somewhat easier to cope with but I do understand it's not for everyone.

Never underestimate how damaging it is to be disturbed so much at night. I look back and am horrified at how bleak my outlook was. I genuinely thought my children and husband would be better off without me at times. I promise you things will get better. Keep talking here, you will find other people like me who do understand.

We were cosleeping but I just felt so touched out.

I feel like in constantly trying to solve things - their eczema, behaviour, sleep... all on no sleep. They are driving me to my absolute limit and I'm failing them

I can promise you everyone is not ok. A lot of people are, yes. But a heck of a lot are not. Like someone said earlier, everyone has had the stresses of normal life to contend with then a pandemic on top and very few will get through it without war wounds.
You should be proud of yourself for recognising that you need support and that you are doing something about it. You can and will feel better, medication/counselling can fix it. It’s not a quick fix but it will fix it.
Keep taking here and to your gp. You’ve got this.

So many people look like they are coping just fine but inside they are struggling. It takes a lot of guts to admit when you are struggling. Please reach out to anyone and everyone and ask for support.

You're not failing them. You're doing everything you can with the resources you have available. You're getting yourself help. You really do need to spell it out to the doctor though. If you're not feeling better on citalopram after 2 months, either you'll need to increase the dose or try a different brand. I started on 10mg a day of citalopram, and have been as high as 30mg a day. i was told 10mg is not a treating dose, that's to ease you onto the drug then you should be up to 20mg. No doubt they are seeing a lot of people struggling at the moment, and it's probably a case of doling out ADs but you may need more/different types of meds or to have therapy like CBT to help you manage anxiety and stress.

Lots of people do feel the same way as you, your illness tells you its wrong to feel the way you do. But it's not . Nobody who knows me has any idea about my complex mh problrms unless i tell them because plenty of people are extremely good at hiding things.

This is an illness. It's not you. It can affect literally anyone. If you broke your leg you wouldn't blame yourself for struggling or needing treatment.

Also ask for blood tests, I was shocked at how many vitamin deficiencies lead to low mood - ferritin, Vit D, B12... May be worth ruling out if the antidepressants aren’t helping x

Sertaline helps me. I empathise its not a cure though and I still struggle. But getting on it was one of my best decisions hands down. Knowing my issues and the names of them and having friends with the same issues also makes a difference. Well done for posting on here for help I know how difficult it is to get help through the nhs at the moment. Keep reaching out, as others have said the gp, 111, or 999 if your in real trouble.

How are you doing today OP. I hope you managed some sleep.

I was looking back at your posts and remembering what it was like to be sleep deprived. I swear for months, if I'd been asked to put the fingertips of both hands together I would have missed.

Good luck with the GP tomorrow. If you get no joy, please stick to your guns and ask for a different one.

Yes that sounds about right.

I've had a couple of hours sleep, I fell asleep on the baby's bedroom floor at 7 and woke up at 9.

I might ask for blood tests too, I've been pregnant or breastfeeding without a break for 3 and a half years now

Gosh OP I remember feeling very overwhelmed when mine were tiny
I used to break down my jobs into small chunks, I considered it a huge achievement if I'd mopped the kitchen floor for the first time in weeks, Even having a shower a washing my hair made me feel better.
Prioritize the import things like eating as well as you can and sleeping obviously, Everything else can wait until you are feeling stronger.
Sending unmumsnetty hugs