Is anyone else’s life impacted by gaming

[Gamingiskillingmymarriage]

My DH wasn’t gaming when we met by its slowly crept back into our life so that the majority of his free time is spent gaming and it is starting to cause significant problems in family life. Lockdown was a very lonely existence with him in the study gaming constantly and me having nowhere to go nor any company. I am still spending the majority of my evenings on my own once the dc are in bed.
The thing that instigated my posting is his constant need to rope one of our dc to his world and have them play games that are not age appropriate.The thing is it’s always me that always needs to step in and be the bad guy saying they are not suitable. I’ve lost count the number of times I’ve asked him in fact, I’ve begged him to tell the dc that we need to discuss it together whether or not a game is suitable before they can play it. Yet again, he sent one of the dc through to ask me about playing a specific violent game. It might seem over the top but with everything else going on I feel like ending our marriage as this is no way to live.

This all sounds very damaging. Both his own gaming, but especially roping in the children, exposing them to violent games and, worse, setting you up as 'the bad guy' and trying to divide you all.

I'm a gamer. It's not hard to switch them off and live the rest of your life, nor prevent your kids viewing harmful content.

It's not just 'the games', is it really, it's what it signifies - if he's spent lockdown doing it does that mean he's not working? If it's all of his free time then that suggests he has no further interests, no hobbies, doesn't exercise or have friends, no richness in life so not very fun to talk to or be around. He needs to snap out of it before he loses you all, and has nothing but a bloody XBox to comfort him.

@Panaesthesia he works but he’s currently wfh. If I’m home and the dc are at school he will be on his iPad at lunch watching videos of other gamers instead of us having lunch and spending time together. With the exception of one day when we went for a pub lunch he’s not interested in spending time with me then as interferes with his routine. He goes to the gym at night but all that achieves is leaving me doing the bedtime routine and stuck at home on my own.

I think the key here is balance.

My boyfriend is a gamer (And works in the games industry). He's currently WFH so he games most of the day (for work) then when I get home from work (i'm in the office) he'll do us dinner, we'll eat together then he'll check what the evening plans are.

If i'm just going to be sprawled on the sofa watching murder documentaries or going to the gym then he'll game in the evening (Not work games)

But if we need to do food shopping or I want to spend time with him he won't. He's also a natural night owl so he knows he can always game once i've gone to bed.

I will add though that the layout of our flat means his office door opens directly to the living room and when i'm home he'll always have the door open with one headphone off incase I need him (Unless he's with friends which he always tells me about first)

You should speak to your DH and set maybe an hour a day where you spend time together doing things you both want to do once the DC are in bed? (ie it wouldn't be fair if I dragged my partner away from his game and forced him to watch something he has no interest in just so he was there)

My ex husband was exactly like this.
That's why hes an ex.
His new girlfriend who he now lives with is the same age as him 40s, and they sit and play video games all night every night, I cant think of anything worse.
She has no children so they just sit an game together.

@TheatricalGiraffe I think I want more than the door left open and not being together. I’d like to sit and watch tv together or even just sit with a drink chatting in the evening. God forbid, I might even want us to have a night out together. I’m not for a second suggesting we need to be together every night but surely there has to be more to life than sitting on your own in the evening?

@Inthesameboatatmo if we separate it concerns me just how much time he would spend gaming with the dc. As it stands, I regularly need to intervene to let them know it’s past bedtime and they are both still buried in front of their screens. It just feels like such a solitary existence and I want more.

I spose it depends, it doesn't really bother me and we still chat throughout the evening. We're not interested in the same programmes so one of us wouldn't be watching and would just be sat there bored...

Like i said though, you should dedicate an hour or so to spend together (obviously if you're going for a night out you'll be together anyway), it's about finding a balance that you're both happy with where you're spending time together and actually enjoying your evening and winding down with your own hobbies

What would you consider reasonable OP? It’s always useful in these disagreements to have worked out what you want/can live with so you can discuss tangible terms rather than sucked down rabbit holes about objecting to gaming/being boring/ not appreciating how stressful his job is, or whatever else gets thrown up to deflect you.

I’m only making suggestions but maybe you could expect something along these lines:

• that he comes to the table at mealtimes, no electronics and you interact and communicate as a family for half an hour per meal, and 15 minutes at breakfast.

• that you go to bed together, at least 3 times per week, or on weeknights.

*that the dc only play games rated suitable for their age (PEGI) with absolutely no exceptions.

• that he also engages with the dc in a regular hobby or sport that is not gaming.

These are only suggestions - it’s up to you to figure what’s acceptable to you. And I wouldn’t start the discussion with these demands because it’s where the discussion should end. But I would be making it clear that his addiction has gone well beyond what’s acceptable and that you’re seriously considering leaving.

He may need help. It may not be addictive in the sense of heroin, but gaming is a behavioural addiction like gambling and the dopamine release is significant. I’m not sure what help is available, or what’s local to you, but I would be approaching this like any other addiction - you can be compassionate but you have to have firm boundaries about what you will accept.

Oh my, I was going to say that yes, it’s a problem in our house as my 17 year old son games.
Never thought you would be talking about a grown ass man with parental responsibilities.

I couldn’t/wouldn’t be able to live with an adult who games. So for that reason, I’ve no advice at all but feel really bad for you that you are stuck with this awful situation. I really hope that you get some advice from someone here.
Good luck & all the best x

Thanks for your advice and support

@thelegohooverer Age appropriate games are a major sticking point and unfortunately he refuses to agree to it
“that the dc only play games rated suitable for their age (PEGI) with absolutely no exceptions” because in his mind it punishes him as then he doesn’t have someone to share the game with. In addition, he claims that growing up gaming didn’t harm him in any way so doesn’t see the issue for our dc.

@imaginethemdragons I’m not sure I would have pursued the relationship had I known he was a gamer and how much his addiction would take over our life. He made out he was a seize the day kind of person when we met, and I just can’t get my head around how being stuck in front of the PlayStation, X-Box or PC is making the most of life. On many occasions, he’s roped the dc into spending the day gaming rather than going on a much needed family day out. I’m just so over it all.

Is he aware of how it's affecting your relationship?

@crankysaurus any time I speak up he sees it as a personal attack. He’s of the mindset that I have a vendetta against gaming so will therefore not enter in to a sensible adult conversation about it.
In an unrelated matter when I was discussing ending our relationship he defaulted to accusing me of blackmailing him. All I was asking was to take responsibility for his behaviour. I’m just absolutely gutted that this is how my life has turned out. Multiple lockdowns really have been the final nail in the coffin.

It sounds like he has a real problem. My DH likes to game (and so do I) but neither of us would prioritise gaming over family days out. The enabling children to play age inappropriate games isn't on either - there are loads of really fun kid friendly games available so there's no need.

If you split up how involved do you think he would end up being? It doesn’t sound like he engages much with the children unless gaming, so if you split you could suggest he has them one day a week - minimal impact if they then game all day.

My DH likes PS games but isn't ob for long and can turn them off. However he plays game on his phone/iPad which he has on 24/7 and like your DH, spends all mealtimes watching videos of other people playing the game I'm sick of it and constantly being 'phubbed'.

I've got no solutions though. It sounds like you've become his mother though which isn't a great place to be. Could you ask for a go on the game and then hog it every night until he gets bored??

It sounds like he doesn't think a suggestion of ending the relationship is actually real then, just a way of you 'trying to control his gaming'.

If you google gaming addiction, a lot of links come up, it's definitely a big thing. I imagine though it's one of those things, like alcoholism, where you can only help someone who recognises it and wants to change. Which he doesn't. Otherwise you need to focus on making sure you protect your kids from those habits. That and the unsuitable aged games, which sounds like he would maybe like company but also enables his multiplayer gaming.

@Thebookswereherfriends

If you split up how involved do you think he would end up being? It doesn’t sound like he engages much with the children unless gaming, so if you split you could suggest he has them one day a week - minimal impact if they then game all day.

@Thebookswereherfriends he will deem it his right as their father to have 50/50 shared custody. My FIL who is a lawyer will ensure he insists upon it. I’m shit scared about the upper hand he has having someone so close already in the know and links of who best to represent him. God only knows what bullshit they would come up with to make me look like the bad parent and him come out smelling of roses.

I'd start keeping records of his gaming and his attempts to get the kids to play age-inappropriate games, that's a safeguarding issue.

My son had a gaming addiction so bad he had to go to rehab. And even now, he still bangs on about gaming so I have a feeling he'll be on the road to hell when he gets older (and I probably end up throwing him out).

@osbertthesyrianhamster sorry to hear about your son, it must be soul destroying to see him get sucked into the vortex like that.

It’s the complete lack of respect which is so distressing. I’ve lost count the number of conversations we’ve had and the number of times he’s promised we would always agree beforehand which games each of the dc can play. I was just utterly dumbfounded when yet again one of the dc were sent through to ask. Oh, and I’m meant to be grateful that he does that! I’m simultaneously livid and utterly disheartened.

See DH (and me to a lesser extent these days) are both gamers - but when the kids came along I really knocked it back. DH still games more than me - but he's in the corner of the living room on his computer so he's part of the family when doing so, and right now he's teaching our eldest how to play an (age appropriate) game side by side with her.

We have set things we stick by - no violent games while the kids are awake (during the day it's things like Pokemon, Two-Point Hospital and the like), no sitting with headphones on ignoring the family (he'd have a job - he's lost one AirPod so can't ignore us!) and that the kids come first.

Hi OP. He is an addict, and the standard rules apply. You did not cause this, you cannot cure this. Until he hits rock bottom, he will never stop. The 50/50 custody thing? That's the standard threat of a wanker who has no intention of carrying through. Bin him asap.

Fifteen years ago I made the choice to abandon gaming because it was hurting the family. Last year I built a pure gaming rig, because I finally had the time. Rule One: log out within 30 seconds every time I'm needed.

I will never date a gamer again, after two failed relationships with men who were clearly addicted to it, and sadly became more physically aggressive etc the more they played. I’m sure that it had a lot to do with the types of games they were playing.

If he wasn't like this before, then it's possible the root of the problem is that he's not happy with family life and is basically just checking out of it. If it wasn't gaming, it would be something else (see all the threads on here about cycling widows)

If you were thinking about leaving for an unrelated issue as well, it sounds like your marriage is basically over.

I would start thinking about how to manage the split. Even if he does go through with 50/50 (and I agree he may cop out in reality) try to limit weekends to one day only so that they are not just gaming in all their spare time.

Perhaps there is also a way to bring some rules about games into the custody decision, I mean it doesn't sound unreasonable to put in a condition that children should not play games that are too old for them.