DD and underage sex.

[Lepetitpiggy]

I hope this isn't too sensitive to ask as we are really unsure how to take this forward.
DD is 15 and has been suffering badly with her mental health for around the last six months. She's a very intelligent, musical, academic girl whos is expected to do really well and we think she will. She is having counselling paid for by us and the school are (finally) involved and being helpful.
She has started 'seeing' a boy a year above her in school - in fact he has now left and waiting to go to college in September. They see each other maybe three evenings a week and he seems to be really helping her through her issues - a very nice polite young man.
We're not naïve enough to think nothing was happening - have two older children, so been through it before! She has told us that they have had sex a couple of times and are being sensible and of course, I've tried to be both a bit liberal about it and also very firm that she is under age and also I don't feel mentally really ready. She agrees and I believe they haven't done it anymore (I know, am probably a silly old woman with no idea, but I have to trust her)
I have weekly calls with her school counsellor which have always been good and we've talked through her school days and what she talks about etc. Yesterday, the counsellor told me that dd had admitted she was sexually active, so the school has a duty to inform the police.
My question is, what is likely to happen? Both me and DH have had a long talk with her about this, on top of everything else and she is adamant they are no longer having sex and that the police won't do anything - a little too blasé we thought to be honest.
Do we stop her seeing him? Read the riot act and be angry? Try to carry on being calm and accepting??
The older two were ore than likely doing the same thing but dd is much more open and honest with us about everything so it's a tricky one.
Thanks for reading!

The police is rather extreme ! I think given her age as she is not far off 16 and in a steady relationship without a huge age gap they will probably just get a social worker to talk to her about boundaries and consent. I really wouldn’t worry. The fact you are also aware is good. There is nothing they can actually do I’m sure.!

That's what I thought. It does sound a bit over the top!

Absolutely ridiculous!! It will be fine.

Thank you!

Sorry forgot to say I wouldn’t stop her seeing him, no if he is helpful for her mental health. Just keep communicating and ensure she is being safe .

School have to do no such thing! Ask to speak to safeguarding lead.

I don't think we would do that. He is very kind - and does think like hide her phone while she's doing revision or homework and sits back ready to help her!
The more I think about it actually, the more of an over reaction the school does seem to have taken - possibly they are also concerned abut the mental health issue. She is getting a lot better though

Social worker here. These referrals come in from the police lots. We only deem them to be a huge safeguarding risk if there is a big age gap/power imbalance or for example learning disabilities or other issues like substance abuse, parents not acting appropriately etc. What might happen is someone from children's services will do some work about safe sex and boundaries but that's the most I think would happen unless anything else is found to be going on.

@Haggisfish3

School have to do no such thing! Ask to speak to safeguarding lead.

Oh really? I will do thanks. Although I was told it was the safeguarding head who has said it must be reported

@clareykb

Social worker here. These referrals come in from the police lots. We only deem them to be a huge safeguarding risk if there is a big age gap/power imbalance or for example learning disabilities or other issues like substance abuse, parents not acting appropriately etc. What might happen is someone from children's services will do some work about safe sex and boundaries but that's the most I think would happen unless anything else is found to be going on.

Thank you. I can imagine there must be hundreds of such reports. I would hope we will be considered good enough parents!

If you are happy with the lad (seems you are) and it's an appropriate relationship I would not so anything and if the police do make contact tell them you have no concerns.
It's a matter of months and you know her best, if he's right for her trust your gut.

If the kids are the same age it’s unlikely anything will actually happen. The school are probably acting with an over abundance of caution but it’s better that they do that than nothing in case abuse was happening.

@Lepetitpiggy Agree with the others - it will be fine. They’re close in age and she’s nearly 16. When you say she isn’t “mentally ready” - I’m assuming you mean just in general for the emotional side of things? Rather than there being any issues with her being able to consent?
I think the last thing you should do is be angry if read the riot act 😊 It sounds like you approve of the boy that she’s with? If I were you I would just continue to encourage her to be able to talk to you about these things. A lot of teens would hide it but she’s felt comfortable talking to you about it and you want that to continue!!

Could the police potentially prosecute the boy for having sex with someone underage? 😬

Very unlikely westmidlands.procedures.org.uk/pkplh/regional-safeguarding-guidance/sexually-active-children-and-young-people-including-under-age-sexual-activity

Oh totally believe and know she is able to consent - it's just because she's been through a rough time mentally we were a bit worried she may be a bit fragile and worried iykwim.
We do like him - he's very quiet and shy which our rumbustious family are a bit baffled by grin but as I say he's very kind to her

Thank you everyone.

@Lepetitpiggy

Oh totally believe and know she is able to consent - it's just because she's been through a rough time mentally we were a bit worried she may be a bit fragile and worried iykwim. We do like him - he's very quiet and shy which our rumbustious family are a bit baffled by grin but as I say he's very kind to her

@Lepetitpiggy Haha, they do say opposites attract lol! ikwym about her maybe being fragile but I think given the type of boy he seems to be it’ll be ok. Different if she had got herself involved with someone a bit more rough around the edges that didn’t seem to be treating her as well! Obviously things can change and we all know what relationships can be like at 15 (😅😅😅) so I would just encourage her to come to you with anything she needs to. I never would have dreamed of talking to my mum about anything to do with a relationship because she’s so interfering and judgemental! The first bf my mum ever met was my now DH. She turned up at my flat at uni unannounced - first time she’d ever visited me in 4 years (I was 30 mins from home 🤣) - and realised that I had a bf living with me lol. We’d been together almost 3 years at that point 🤣 So the fact she’s talked to you about it is a huge win in my eyes 🤣🤣

You say she’s struggling with MH this could skew her way of thinking in that she feels what she’s doing is what she wants but without MH struggles she wouldn’t do what she’s doing.
It’s so difficult, I think banning them from each other won’t help, I’d be getting her to seek advice from doctor about contraception. I feel that having high academic expectations can also conflict a person. 15 is a tricky age we’ve all been there. sounds like you have a lovely relationship and she’s telling you things, I think a talk about the consequences of a sexual relationship is important.
Include her bf in family meals and continue to be there for them

Given the small age gap I cannot imagine prosecution of the young man concerned. I think conversations about consent and boundaries are appropriate- many young men's minds as to what is normal have been warped by porn.

@BaronBlueBottle

You say she’s struggling with MH this could skew her way of thinking in that she feels what she’s doing is what she wants but without MH struggles she wouldn’t do what she’s doing. It’s so difficult, I think banning them from each other won’t help, I’d be getting her to seek advice from doctor about contraception. I feel that having high academic expectations can also conflict a person. 15 is a tricky age we’ve all been there. sounds like you have a lovely relationship and she’s telling you things, I think a talk about the consequences of a sexual relationship is important. Include her bf in family meals and continue to be there for them

Regarding contraception, she says they are using condoms - I suggested she go on the pill and she said she would think about it (health anxiety is a big issue with her, so she needs to be sure in her own mind it will be safe) so we're having slow conversations about that. You have put into words what I feel about her MH as well. She would have been the last of all of mine to have had sex this early would have been our thought a year or two ago. I will continue to talk to her about it - even if I get the 'muuuuuuummm' response!!