Dislike of parents

[Totallyrandomname]

So I’m just gonna get straight to it…..I really dislike my parents. To the point I find them hard to be around because I feel constantly irritated with them over tiny things (eg my dad speaking too loudly). They visit around once a week, mainly to see my children. While they’re here I have very little ‘real’ interaction with them, by which I mean no meaningful conversations. We just sort of hang out in same same place and say things like “fancy a cup of tea….meant to rain tomorrow isn’t it….did you here Katy had her baby” etc.

Now there are reasons for my dislike. Although I wouldn’t consider them abusive, as such, there are things they both do/did that are unkind, thoughtless, selfish. Also as I get older I question more things from my childhood where my needs/safety were not prioritised (eg an uncle on trial for raping a 14 year old girl came to stay with us…..when I was about 12). Although they don’t really do anything like this now, it’s only because I got to the stage where I cut contact for a while and directly called them on things they did that were unhealthy/unkind.

Are there others who dislike their parents, even though they’re not specifically abusive in the strictest sense of the word?!

If so how do you deal with it in a helpful/useful way?

I feel like we have a fairly good balance at the moment. They enjoy time with the kids and kids enjoy time with them (a couple of hours a week at our home with us about). They’re not unkind to the kids though they can be thoughtless (things like not listening to them). Also I maintain communication, but a very shallow style of communication….like you’d have with an acquaintance.

Anyone else managing contact work parents like this. How do you manage it?

DH dislikes his parents (mine are both dead) and it took me a long time to understand why. Like yours they weren't obviously abusive but can be unkind, thoughtless, selfish and other things.

He had distanced himself a lot but when we had children that ended (and they live locally). It was a mistake. I thought that despite everything they were good grandparents but as the children got older it was clear they weren't - complete lack of interest if they weren't excelling in something that they could brag about to the neighbours (who they badmouth) or their siblings (who they badmouth/are very competitive with). DH has distanced himself again but that could only really happen when I gave up my FOG around them too.

The way he manages it is to see them less often for shorter amounts of time. He can cope with them for up to 30-45 minutes but after that it is just too much. He certainly doesn't see them every week and it is rarely for purely social reasons - he is usually doing some job for them or it is an obligatory visit for a birthday (and it is never actually on the actual day if it is one of ours).

Wow your OHs relationship with his parents sounds like mine. That’s for sharing because it does make me feel much better.

My parents aren’t focused on achievements as such but focused on their own emotional needs (eg my mum will emotionally manipulate me by trying to make me feel bad if the whole of Mother’s Day isn’t about her - with no recognition I might want something nice).

I can well see that our relationship might change as my kids gets older. My kids adore them at the moment, but I can see my oldest, 7, getting frustrated at them at times already and he already doesn’t want to go to their home (which just has an awful vibe).

Luckily my husband sees it too in them, though not many other people do….I think it’s because the things they do/say seem small, but it’s the cumulative effect of Continuation small acts of selfishness and unkindness.

I disliked my parents when they were alive. I came from a very poor working class background where there was little money around. Those were the days when men considered it was shameful for their wives to have to work and my fathers wages were simply not enough. I do understand about that from the perspective of years.

If my sister and I had both been treated equally in regards to lack of money I would have accepted that. However she was the golden child almost from birth.

Again I understand that there was no popular literature and advice then on how to include an older child. Unlike me, my sister was never sent to school with cardboard in her shoes or wearing second hand clothes from the rag market. She somehow got everything new. As soon as I began work every pound i gave my mother for my "keep" went onto my sisters back.

What I found harder to forgive was how my parents refused to support me when I was studying to qualify for a profession. I could have gone two years full time. Instead I had to do it part time and it took me much longer.

The result was that as soon as I could afford it i left home to get my own place. I know that my "keep" money was badly missed because my sister had just had an unplanned baby. This was the 1960s and a big issue back then. As a result my mother finally HAD to get a job.

Once I left the parental home I took a step back from my family and only saw them about once a month. They were not on the phone (until the 1970s) so it was easy to "do distance". Once I left my home city (1980s) I only saw them at Christmas. Eventually that too stopped.

When you are the less favoured child you spend your life wondering "whats wrong with me?" You gull yourself into believing that if you do this, or that, or the other then you will somehow please your parents and they will notice you. I achieved high academic status and progressed in my professional life. It was never enough.

There is an old saying that you can chose your friends. Your relatives you are just stuck with.

I think there seems to be a standard MO with this kind of abusive parent.

We also have a version of the golden child/scapegoat thing and MIL is also very emotionally manipulate - very much encouraged by FIL, so I guess they both are. It doesn't really work any more though...

It wasn't until our DC were late primary/early secondary that the interest wained with them and it being about things to brag about (or not as we just stopped telling them much) became more obvious.

Honestly @Totallyrandomnamethe accumulative effect of this kind of behaviour is abusive. My father was abusive at times in a much more obvious way (thankfully I had lovely extended family who took me under their wing at times - I am pretty sure my mum would've divorced him if she hadn't have died young)- I've found this much harder to cope even though it isn't even my parents.

I don’t like my mum. She has many narcissistic traits, she’s loud, unpredictable, selfish and has serious delusions of grandeur with regard to every aspect of her being. She firmly believes the world owes her something and if you’re not with her, you’re against her. She can’t be happy for anyone because she has to be the centre of attention. An example: when DH’s mum died and we found out we were inheriting a house, my mum said ‘it’s not fair, I still have years left on my mortgage’ and hung up on me.

I’ve noticed that it’s impossible to actually have a conversation with her because while you’re talking, her eyes glaze over and she’s just waiting to talk about herself again.

There is also a huge discrepancy between how she treats me and my brother. I was forced to get a job and be pretty much self-sufficient from the age of 14. My brother is 25, still lives at home and my mum has bankrolled him for driving lessons, car insurance, beer, cigarettes, clothes, etc even though he earns more than her. When he wrapped his car around a tree by driving like a prick, she bought him a new one. I recently found out that she gave my brother a chunk of money when I got married five years ago ‘to keep it fair’ but now he’s getting married and she is shelling out hand over fist. When I mentioned something about the wedding (unrelated to that), she was quick to tell me that DB doesn’t earn a lot and is saving for a house, so I should be more understanding. Erm, he earns £35k at 25yo and I’m a full-time student on a meagre stipend.

She can be very charming so most people think she’s soooo nice and funny but she’s exhausting. The day my DH admitted to me that he doesn’t like her was vindicating.

Me, I find it very hard to admit and accept, but I really don’t like mine. They are ok, but they just really aren’t that nice to me. I dread days like mother’s and Father’s Day.

We can, and have, gone months without seeing or hearing from them. Not so much as a text message.

It does leave me wondering why, and what have I done wrong. It also makes me worry about how I treat my own children. I know what I don’t want to do, but I don’t always know how to do what I do want to do (if that makes sense), I sometimes feel like I’m operating in a vacuum.

It’s very hard.

I speak to my parents daily, but I know I'm an inconvenience to them both. They adore my daughter (24) - although she has little time/respect for either one of them - and my father is close to my son (16). My mother and my son have a contentious relationship, at best, because he's the male version of me at that age. Ergo, she'll bitch about him/find fault with him/downright fucking argue with him about how awful he is, to his face.

Personally, I find them both a drain. I do love them - but I know how many times they each threw me under the proverbial bus to save their own skins. I'm also very loathe for them to spend a huge amount of time with either one of my children, because of their attitude(s) towards me. The quickest way to hurt me, after all, is to hurt one of my children - a memo both of my parents failed to get with regards to me. My daughter has severe MH issues, which have affected our relationship - but I know I've always been there for her, often to my own detriment. When I was in an abusive relationship (with my daughter's "father") and essentially begging my mother for help? She told me to "grow up" and figure it out for myself. Even now, she's more interested with herself/her own life/my daughter than she is in anything going on in my life (I don't even remember the last time she asked me how I was, what I was up to).

At the end of the day, though, I try not to let any of this dictate how I'm living my life. The best revenge, after all, is a life lived well.

Sorry for everyone who's had a shitty childhood

My DM is very hard work. Possibly a narcisist, with MH problems, and everything was always about her needs growing up, enabled by my now deceased father.He was a bully, and a racist, and a snob, in a very middle class way She is a snob, and prefers news she can brag about. When I got married for the second time, she said they would pay for my wedding dress if I lost weight for the wedding My DSis is the Chosen One, as she is slim and blonde and I am not, despite objectively achieving far more with my life. Dsis and her workshy husband are being bankrolled by my mother, and there will be no inheritance, or money for care in later life at this rate.

I have limited contact, as there is only so much time you can spend with someone who is close family who really isn't interested in much I have to say.

@Luckystar1 the fact that you have insight into this implies you will do much better than your mother. If my mother was asked, she would say she was mother of the year, and has suggested she made many sacrifices for us, and seems to have re-written history.

@Totallyrandomname. This is very hard. I feel your pain, and yes, it was actually validating when my recentish husband (who never badmouths people) confirmed that yes, it wasn't me, it was her and she really is Extremely Hard Work and difficult to like.

I feel similar about my mother. She's done selfish things that I don't agree with nothing major, but it makes me view her in a different way. I have completely differently to morals to her and if we weren't related I wouldn't choose to be her friend. I see her about once a month for her to see my DC, but for my own safety I have to ensure its a day out somewhere. I can't sit and just talk to her because she criticises everyone she knows and always plays the victim.
I've never made my feeling clear, I just blame my busy life for not seeing her more often!

I dislike my parents! It is taboo to say it in real life though - people assume the child who doesn’t like their parents Is unkind and disloyal.

Since having my own children I have realised that my parents have always felt they own their children - and that they are entitled to make us do what they want through emotional blackmail. I see my children as separate people to me who are entitled to their own opinions.

My parents get really angry because i am not close to my brother. They are always trying to manipulate things to make us a big close family - but they are doing it for their own benefit against my wishes. I have drifted further away from them the more they have tried to pressure me to be close to them.

I find my dad quite over bearing. He was always putting me under pressure as a child to be sociable when I was shy. He got extremely angry at times - screaming at me how i was as awkward as two left feet!

My mum worships my dad and has never said a negative thing about him. She expects me to feel the same about him but I see his flaws!

@SuperSleepyBaby

“Since having my own children I have realised that my parents have always felt they own their children - and that they are entitled to make us do what they want through emotional blackmail. I see my children as separate people to me who are entitled to their own opinions.”

^ that is exactly my parents… if I do anything once it becomes an expectation that I will keep doing it. Eg I saw her midweek in my day off two weeks in a row (as well as the one day a week we usually see them). That then make her expect that every midweek day off I would see her….had her nose out of joint when I said that wasn’t possible and started doing the emotional blackmail to my daughter - “oh nanny was sad you didn’t come see her yesterday”. Had to nip that in the bud. I will break contact if I feel they are starting to emotionally manipulate my children like they try with me.

I just want to say thanks to all that have posted.
Although it’s sad to hear others also struggle with their relationships with their parents…it’s also nice to know it’s not just me. Feels like a little bit of validation…especially as I see so much parental behaviour that is familiar in the comments from others.

I had a very good childhood and didn't really want for anything, however, over the last 3 years I started to really question what I think of my parents and particularly over the last 6 to 9 months have realised, I don't actually like them as people.

My father is very argumentative and always thinks he's right. He's always been this way, but over the last 5 years he's got worse. I've got very little to say to him, as if I do, he will always tell me why what I'm doing is wrong and what I should be doing. No mate, I know exactly what needs to be done.

My mother is just a complete snob and money centred. I always knew her "god" was money, but hell she is terrible now. She judges everyone by the size of their house, car and anything else with a monetary value. The worst I heard from her was when she was talking about some people they met who have a "massive house" (think room for a pony and Mercedes in the drive) and they were "definitely our kind of people". Urggghh, you snobbish old cow!! Not sure she was impressed when I said, if they think the same way as you, are you "their kind of people". Everything with her now is just judging people by what they visibly have.

I do see them every couple of weeks, but don't really bother in between. It feels like I'm doing my duty when I visit.

@PhilCornwall1 yes it can be really hard. I feel that I’m doing a duty by seeing my parents too. The fact that my children like seeing them at the moment helps as they do enjoy having them over (and to be fair my dad is very playful too). However when they can older I can foresee issues and lowering contact.

I try to be mindful that both my parents came from large families and had parents who didn’t show love and affection. So I’m not sure they ever received a level of care that most people expect for children themselves. When I’m feeling fair I can recognise how their own childhoods affect how they are. Still get incredible frustrated and annoyed though. I would love to be able to rise above it.

I feel sorry for my parents in some ways even though i don’t like them.

I suffered with anxiety for so much of my life and it seems obvious now why - a mother with a personalty disorder who was a functioning alcohol - and a domineering dad who tried to push me to be someone I wasn’t.

Since I have distanced myself from them I feel so much happier. There is no more drama - i don’t have to deal with my mum sulking and being interfering or listen to her slagging everyone off.

My parents both think they were amazing parents and that they deserve to be thanked now for everything. We always had food, clothes, Christmas presents etc so not a bad childhood at all compared to many children who suffer awful abuse. Despite, all that I don’t have really positive memories of my childhood - i remember my dad shouting at me and my mum drinking too much.

With my own children, I acknowledge to them i am not perfect and I try my best. If i get too grumpy, I apologise and explain why I was wrong. I try to help them to be good people instead of sneering at others like my mum always did.

This might be helpful for some:
www.verywellfamily.com/can-a-family-be-too-close-1695789

I went to a Psychotherapist for some counselling as i was finding it hard to deal with my parents and my reactions to them. The psychotherapist felt it sounded like an enmeshed family.