How to politely back out...

[Myrrfect]

Yesterday a friend asked me to come to a bbq Sunday with her, her husband and her ds

I accepted and was looking forward to it

She’s just mentioned she’s invited another couple. The thing is I’ve met this woman, she’s very “me and my lovely hubby” and she knows I’m very much on my own. She might not... I can’t remember her asking anything about me ever actually.

Being with couples is lovely but sometimes I feel a bit sad especially as I’m the single person and feel like sometimes it defines me (when I just want to be happily ok)

How can I politely back out?

I’m debating being kidnapped by aliens or pirates and need a really polite excuse that doesn’t involve illness...

"I'm sorry, I forgot that I was going to stay with ..... this weekend."

depends on how much you want to say

you could tell her something truth adjacent, that sorry, but too many people is overwhelming for you and then you could invite them to yours so you control number of people attending

or lie that you are so sorry but you have accidentally double booked and can't back out from the first invite.

or that something broke down and you are waiting plumber/dishwasher fixer/electrician etc to turn up. you can only do this on the day though as you can't forsee an appliance breaking down

The weather forecast for Sunday here in Yorkshire is 13 degrees and rain. The barbecue may not happen anyway.

@RampantIvy

I wouldn't count on that, we've had bbqs in the rain. The Brits can be so bloody minded...🤣

You have a terrible cold and you’d hate to give it to everyone. Then next time she invites you to something ask who’s coming.

Oh sorry, doesn’t involve illness. Sorry, illness is my go-to! No one can prove you don’t have a headache!

Sorry but I really don't feel like mixing with larger groups at the moment.

Definitely blocked drain. No one wants to deal with poo.

You were so looking forward to it but your elderly neighbour has just had a health scare (she’s fine) but she really needs someone to sit with her until her son can arrive in the evening?

Too convoluted? 🤣

Honestly, if it's a friend where I'd been happy to accept an invitation to their family BBQ I'd just tell them what you said in your OP. No need to make anything up, your reason is perfectly reasonable and I can't imagine having friends I couldn't say that to.

Don't lie. If you were my friend and I had found out you had lied I would feel hurt, and might not invite you to anything again. Just tell her you feel uncomfortable that she has invited other people.

Although, if you were my friend I would have asked if you would mind me inviting other people in the first place.

Sorry I can't make it to the bbq .
I really don't feel in the right mindset to spend my day with couples at the moment.
Covid has been draining and I'm just not upto it.
Thanks for the invite. Hopefully will be in a better place for the next gathering.

You know what, I'd go but limit your time & plan something nice for yourself afterward. You might surprise yourself and enjoy it, and if time is limited it won't feel as much of a commitment.

Easy! Track and Trace has told you to isolate until Monday.

I would go too. I know it's tough being single, but it's worse being lonely. And it's even worse feeling excluded if they hadn't invited you at all. I would graciously accept the invite and go, but you can always leave early "sorry I've got to dash off now, been lovely seeing you all"
I think you will probably enjoy it, but I've backed out these events before thinking I wouldn't enjoy it and regretted it afterwards.

I really hate it when you are invited to something thinking it will just be you and the hosts and then they invite another couple/family. It's happened to us before but we didn't realise until we got there. It changes the whole situation for me and usually makes it much less enjoyable.

I think I'd be waking up with an irritating cough that morning and will have to stay home just in case.

If you have any interest in football, Wales v Italy is at 5pm on Sunday. You 'forgot' is was that early.

I think I'd just be honest and say, "I'd rather not go if X is there - she always makes me feel shit."

Did you end up going to the BBQ @Myrrfect?

@HollowTalk

I think I'd just be honest and say, "I'd rather not go if X is there - she always makes me feel shit."

I would do this, too.

@RampantIvy

Don't lie. If you were my friend and I had found out you had lied I would feel hurt, and might not invite you to anything again. Just tell her you feel uncomfortable that she has invited other people.

Although, if you were my friend I would have asked if you would mind me inviting other people in the first place.

I disagree with your last sentence, a host can invite who they like and shouldn't need to ask permission.

To the OP aren't you being a slight drama llama, couples will speak couples talk, as that's their life, I'm sure the woman wasn't being cruel or spiteful towards you because you are single by saying my husband and I.
Not all people think of asking others questions either.

I personally would still go, when the couple start a conversation about something they have done, you could always reply with something you have done. You don't need to wait to be asked

@VodkaSlimline
I’ve been meaning to update - thanks for the prompt! Last few days have been a whirl of home, cold shower, change and out again (I’m not in the U.K. yet)

So I took the advice here for a grain of truth and said that a mutual friend (A) who was doing me a favour had to change her plans and could only do that favour Sunday lunchtime as she’s leaving on Monday.

Unfortunately then it came true so the grain grew like a mushroom into the whole truth so I just had a long lunch with my lovely friend A and no harm done - I’m seeing bbq friend (B) on her own during the week and her and her husband with lots of couple friends in a couple of weeks.

Maybe the single thing was me being a drama llama. I’m quite happy with couples n it doesn’t bother me except in circumstances where it’s underlined repeatedly. I love my friend (B and A) but find her friend boring and pretentious and v keen to demonstrate her superiority as thats the face she shows me - and ultimately, life’s to short to bbq with someone who makes you feel like shit when there are lovely people in the world!

Thanks for the help mumsnet! You inspired me

Ps just for a note you don’t have to accept other people’s opinions of you but until you have been a single parent and long term single it’s quite hard to know how you can be spoken to and treated sometimes - but most of the time it just means I’m happy, free n have a wonderful son n lovely friends.

Sounds like a fab outcome! And yes, life is too short to socialise with smug-married wankers.