I hate my MIL but I’m happy to use her for childcare

[IrEl]

I’m not a MIL! My DC are small but since becoming a Mum and having Mum friends and reading Mumsnet regularly I have become very aware that the majority of women dislike their MILs. For all sorts of reasons.

Turns out my MIL is a monster (DH never told me about childhood abuse until we had DC of our own) and once we had DC DH decided we should go NC so I don’t have experience of “MIL fed my child too many sweets” or “MIL refuses to keep my baby’s nap schedule”.

What I don’t understand is that a lot of people on here and that I know IRL spend so much time bitching about their MIL while also being happy to use them as childcare. In several of my friends cases, A LOT of childcare.

How can you leave your precious children with someone that you don’t like? I’m not trying to be goody, I genuinely don’t understand.

Before you jump on me, bear in mind that I’m jealous as my DC only have 1 grandparent (the rest are dead) and I’d love them to have a ‘normal’ grandmother who loved them and wanted to spend time with them. I also feel like I could tolerate many of the things I hear people moan about, if only my kids could have that relationship. I find it really difficult when I have to listen to the MIL bashing (IRL mainly but I know there’s a lot on here too) and this is something that’s always puzzled me.

I assume that’s because although they don’t like their MIL they are still patient and kind Grandmothers.

So pre-kids did DH and you have a "normal" relationship with MIL?

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz No. They were never close and I thought she was very strange. He tried to keep me away from her, I thought he was embarrassed but it wasn’t that.

Just because someone doesn’t see eye to eye with the MIL doesn’t mean they’ll withhold GC or contact. Especially if their DP has a good relationship with their parents. Also convenient, just because you don’t like someone doesn’t mean you can’t trust them with you’re child, also grandparents would typically have their GCs best interests at heart. My mother and grandmother didn’t like each other but my mother facilitated a relationship for us kids benefit, also the added bonus of another set of hands when needed. Nothing ever black or white. Family dynamics are tricky

Children benefit from a bond with grandparents and I assume most mothers want that for their children

But if that bond is with a toxic grandparent then there are other priorities

What sort of childhood abuse did your DH experience ?

For all her flaws she’s a decent kind grandmother that I trust has DCs best interests at the forefront of her mind. My DC are safe within her care and have a good bond. It wouldn’t be fair for DCs relationship to be affected by adults personality clashes..

Its easy to look from an outside perspective and say you could tolerate things, the reality is often very different.

Relationships are complex and children are people in their own right who have relationships outwith their parents.

I am absolutely NC with my mother, but I've allowed my dc to make the choice over whether they see her or not.

TBH, this isn’t really about my DH abuse and I don’t feel comfortable I going into that.

I do understand that just because you don’t see eye to eye with someone you could still trust them with your kids because you know they have their best interests at heart.

I hear people say some really nasty things about their MILs though and I guess that’s what I struggle with. My one friend in particular criticises everything her MIL does, not to her face although I know they’ve had some run ins. Her MIL picks up her older DC from school 4 days a week and has her toddler 4 full days a week. She’s saved them a fortune in childcare and clearly my friend trusts her to look after her children. But literally every conversation you have with her descends into MIL bashing.

Like PP say it's often because you may not see eye to eye with a MIL but she's not dangerous with DC. In my case I never used family for childcare and I stopped MIL from having access as babies but that was because she was directly a risk.

I do believe you should hold boundaries and deal with it yourself and no I don't personally think you should allow childcare if there is any question of toxic behaviour that could harm DC but that's not the same thing as just a negative relationship with the DIL. DC are not ours to just play with and control access for spurious reasons. We control access for safety and health. That's it.

The only time access to my DC is removed is if there is reason to believe there is a genuine risk to them. I don't have to like people who the DC like , as long as they can't harm them its not for me to control access on a whim.

You can be a shit mother but a great grandmother. The relationships are different

I don’t trust my MIL has my children’s best interest at heart. This is what boils down to it

My MIL is lovely in all the ways that truly matter and is great with my children. I respect her and I like her in small doses. She's not someone I'd be friends with out of choice and she really irritates me if I have to spend long periods of time with her.

She is quite anxious and wants to be liked and so is a ditherer and won't tell you what she really thinks. On holidays together it drives me nuts. I'd like us to do some things she wants to do, or eat somewhere she wants to eat, but she won't tell us what that is!! "No, we decided on activities and eating arrangements on 5 out of the 6 days. You have to choose this time!!!" (Is what I shout at her in my head while outwardly asking her again whether x is okay with her)

She also dotes on her two sons and is a great mum, but it goes too far sometimes. BIL can put on his own sun cream, and put a few plates in the dishwasher. He's 34, you don't have to fuss over him like he's a child all the time!

Ahhh that feels better.

I would vent about her to friends, even if overall I generally like and get on well with her. I suspect I'm not entirely her cup of tea either!

My dh was abused by his mother growing up so when we had dd I was apprehensive about her looking after her.

Dh told he she wouldn’t dare lay a finger on dd, so I trusted him and allowed MIL have dd a few times which was heavily appreciated especially when we had ds who was extremely high needs.

However, one day, when dd was able to be fully coherent, she told us that nanny was smacking her.

We confronted MIL who claimed dd was back talking her so she deserved a smack. Dd was 3!

That was it. We cut off all contact straight away much to MIL’s disgust.

Dd is now 8 and doesn’t remember MIL luckily. MIL tries to get into contact with dh on various platforms (he blocks her when she does) begging to see the dc but we refuse

Soubriquet

I think this is the issue. If someone abused their own child without remorse, then they don’t know the needs and behaviors of children and so can’t be trusted with childcare.

They can have a bond with the child.. MIL has a bond with my kids but not an intense one becshse her interactions are all supervised by me. Much to her dislike.

Someone who used to abuse their own children need to prove themselves first

MIL used to abuse my husband and his sister.

When I gave birth to my son and daughter I refused outright any interaction with my kids without my involvement

And I was completely right

I left DD with MIL for 30 minutes when she was a baby. She proved she wasn’t a suitable person. She was full of crappy advice about babies, I didn’t quite believe she would do those things, she did I didn’t leave her with her again until she was 6 for a few hours.

My MIL is nice enough. We use the IL’s for childcare every day. They are relieving us of the significant financial burden nursery would entail and they get to spend lots of time with the GC, which is lovely.

However they have always (will always) think they know better than us regarding the children in almost every situation. I have to trust that they do as I ask regarding childcare but suspect it only gets followed some of the time. I’ve learned not to sweat the small stuff as the care provided is absolutely fine and they love the kids.

I am guilty of having a bit of a bitch and a moan behind their backs because if I didn’t I’d explode. I have to vent. It doesn’t mean I don’t like the IL’s or am not grateful. Confronting them is not an option as they’ll hit the roof and it’s just not worth it.

So Op I think you’re confusing innlaws that undermine your parenting (I’d suck it up for the kids sake) with in laws that abused their kids (I wouldn’t suck that up because kids won’t benefit from that).

Many in laws undermine the parenting of the younger generation. It’s a matter of opinion and when they’re doing the childcare I would give them room to have their way.

But in laws who insist on abuse being an ok way of parenting, well these are not and should not be trusted. If a childcare provider had an ethos that agrees with abuse of children then you wouldn’t put your child there. because they go against mainstream guidelines and it’s negligent to trust them it’s not in the best interest of your child.

So they can have a bond with their grandparents without it being a bond of trusting them with childcare

It’s cheaper.
Grandparents don’t usually charge for childcare. There’s often an unspoken battle between wives and MiLs because they both love the same person.

Of course, there are some very difficult MiL’s, but there are difficult DiL’s too. You have to make a choice between having free childcare and paying for someone to do it. I’m assuming that if you didn’t trust your in laws, you wouldn’t trust them with your child.

@AriadnetheSpider

My MIL is nice enough. We use the IL’s for childcare every day. They are relieving us of the significant financial burden nursery would entail and they get to spend lots of time with the GC, which is lovely.

However they have always (will always) think they know better than us regarding the children in almost every situation. I have to trust that they do as I ask regarding childcare but suspect it only gets followed some of the time. I’ve learned not to sweat the small stuff as the care provided is absolutely fine and they love the kids.

I am guilty of having a bit of a bitch and a moan behind their backs because if I didn’t I’d explode. I have to vent. It doesn’t mean I don’t like the IL’s or am not grateful. Confronting them is not an option as they’ll hit the roof and it’s just not worth it.

Agree with this. It’s really hard to give feedback to family members who are looking after your child, and they find it easy to criticise or be vocal about what they’d do differently.

If a hired nanny / childminder started saying things like “oh I don’t believe in sleep regressions / we never gave calpol in my day” etc etc then you’d think they didn’t see eye to eye with you and you might not keep them. But with grandparents, doing it for free, you feel obligated to nod and smile to keep the peace.

Doesn’t mean it isn’t irritating though

Taking abusive grandparents out of the picture, I think you can rise above conflicting personalities for the sake of the children, and if you like, convenience. People realise that it saves them a fortune, but sometimes they might need to let off steam to a friend.

My fantastic MIL was too old to look after our DC except on three occasions when BIL was around to help.
MIL stuffed them full of sweets and biscuits each time (they were 3 & 4 the last time, she was 84 and BIL was there to help her). They loved it and it made her life easier.

If she'd have had them regularly that would have become an issue. As it was I was hugely grateful that she'd kept everyone fed and alive whilst I was out for an hour!

My own DM was too far away to have our DC regularly too, but I think it would have been an easier arrangement. Our parenting styles are similar, and if there was an issue with my DM I'd have been able communicate that.

My mil is alright, but we won’t ever be best friends. However she is a fantastic grandparent to our children and our children adore her. I would never stand in the way of their relationship.

I find it hard to trust my mother in law because she makes it very clear that she has no compassion for my kids and therefore, I think my children are missing out on bonding with “a” paternal grandma.. but they’re definately not missing out on bonding with her

It hurts me very much that she couldn’t be a more reasonable person. I was willing to do anything for that to happen.

I still allow them to bond but under my supervision. As controlling as that sounds .. but she better know that when she isn’t showing compassion then she doesn’t deserve to be trusted with kids.

Not all adults are safe to be around kids

I struggle with this actually. As I can’t stand my in laws and they’ve barely spoken to me in 10 years.

However in the scheme of things they are good grandparents, so it’s a very difficult situation. I do hate the thought of them even holding my baby or spending time with my toddler, but it’s not really up to me. So I need to find a way to move past it.