Dealing with grief and anger of being diagnosed as an adult

[ATieLikeRichardGere]

In my case I’m talking about ADHD but I imagine this can apply equally to other conditions. Since getting diagnosed in my 30s, I am going through periods of dwelling on how many things could have turned out very differently, and especially how many years of depression could have been avoided, if only I had received this diagnosis sooner. There were several opportunities not taken by people who should have known better. I am sure that sexism is a really significant factor in no one noticing the obvious. I have feelings of disbelief that this has happened to me. I also feel relief for the new understanding I have finally been given, but the frustration remains. I don’t know what to do with it! Anyone else go through this?

Hopeful bump!

Not me but DH who was diagnosed in his 60s within the last year.

He was in denial until he had the official diagnosis and even after that quite resistant to any suggestions I made for strategies that could help him. It was putting a strain in our relationship. In fact his condition has always put a strain on us but now we know why and are working out what helps and what doesn't.

Like you, he missed opportunities, educationally and career wise because ADHD wasn't identified at all until the 1990s. His self-esteem certainly suffered.

Fortunately he found a career which matches his hyperfocus and did very well at it.

I help him by pointing out the hard evidence of stuff he's really brilliant at, that everyone lives a life with the cards they are dealt and all the positives he has.

He says things are easier now as he has more understanding of how his brain works.

There are some very good YouTube videos and podcasts which might help you (search ADHD on Mumsnet to find the recommendations).

If it's not too woo, could you also try some short daily gratitude practice? Search Spotify and if you find it difficult to sit still and do it, try listening with headphones when you're walking.

And give yourself time to grieve, that's fine, but make a conscious choice whether that should consume you.

Good luck.

Not me, but a good friend was diagnosed with ADHD. She had therapy for about a year to deal with the implications it has had on her life and is in a much better, optimistic place.

I’m glad your husband went for a diagnosis in his 60s and that you have some answers as well.

I don’t think gratitude is too woo at all but as you suggest maybe best as a walking activity! I know these feelings will need to pass to move forward.

I’ll search and check out some recommendations.

Thanks so much. It’s good to just hear other stories.

that everyone lives a life with the cards they are dealt

I'm sure it's well meant, but this is very ignorant. When you've spent your lifetime being told that there's something wrong with your 'cards', it's understandable that you might feel pretty pissed off.

Would you say the same to someone that had been misdiagnosed around physical illness? No, of course you wouldn't.

Sorry for the distraction ATie, your feelings are completely valid, and it's so frustrating when people minimise the experiences you've had to deal to with due to the failure of those around you to recognise your condition and offer support in a more timely fashion. Much the same as any bereavement (the loss of what you thought you knew, of what could have been), it will get to easier with time.

Oh do fuck off Orf1abc

How to take a line out of context so you can stoke up some righteous indignation, get to call someone ignorant while getting in a feel good vibe for patting the OP on the head and 'validating their feelings'.

@Orf1abc Yes I know what you mean though I think it’s truly meant well and not an attempt at minimising here. It’s difficult to resolve the tension around self acceptance, which is necessary, but also acknowledging that the struggle is real and made harder by the fact that the disability was invisible/unidentified. I haven’t told many people about the diagnosis yet because I don’t think I am yet strong enough on it to withstand the minimisation I’m sure will ensue.

Is there support for adults with ADHD?
I was diagnosed with Aspergers as an adult but any support is for kids. I don't feel anger at not being diagnosed as it wasn't a diagnosis available back when I was a child but I think that it would have massively helped to understand that it wasn't my fault that social interactions and relationships were so hard for me. Like you it's been a contributing factor to feeling depressed too

@Orf1abc

That's what works for us (I have serious conditions which went undiagnosed for years and there are lots of 'if onlies').

Ultimately, acceptance is a place within reach, usually after passing through some or all of grief, denial and anger.

Lots stay stuck in grief, denial or anger too which is where therapy/counselling might help. Everyone is different.

@TotorosCatBus I am on a long NHS waiting list so I’m not sure what support is there but I suspect not enough. That’s frustrating it’s the case for Aspergers in adults as well. I’m really sorry you’ve felt depressed.

I love your username btw.

Life has been a lot easier since diagnosis, as I now live a lifestyle to suit what I can cope with.

I look back & see how things would be different. Lots of failed exams, no career but then successful in other things. I have a sort of mental map of strengths & try to avoid situations where coping will be a challenge. I'm still contemplating getting meds privately. I think overall I'm much more content.

@Wombats12 that’s really good to hear that life is better now. I think it will be the same for me eventually. It’s incredible how many things now “make perfect sense” and that alone is worth a lot but having strategies like you describe is a next step I think. Glad you are more content.

I'm absolutely positive I have ADHD as well. Realised at 35 (after several breakdowns involving lockdown and childcare) but haven't gotten around to getting an official diagnosis yet. It basically connected the dots throughout everything in my life, from childhood to parenthood and explains all the struggles I had during every phase of life.

I was also sad at first thinking my life could have turned out differently. I always thought I had anxiety/panic disorder & emetophobia which I did seek treatment for. I missed out on quite a lot of experiences due to the emetophobia (drinking, more travelling, partying etc). It took me a few months to fully accept the realisation but I find life really is easier once you come to terms with it.

Instead of that horrible feeling that something is "wrong" with just you, you realise that you actually have a very common (7%) neurological problem where there is a lot of treatment and help available. And because it's biological, there's nothing in your childhood or trauma that could have caused it.

The important thing is moving forwards with the diagnosis. On the simplest level, there are great resources on FB (ADDitude) and a huge ADHD community on TikTok with tips and advice (@domesticblisters is a good one for dealing with everyday life mess). I find life much easier once I actually know which things are being caused by ADHD so I can work around it.

Hi ATie, have you come across the ADHD for Smartass Women podcast? It's a bit American, but it's all about navigating ADHD as a grown woman and I find it really interesting and useful. It has a lot of 'hacks', how to play to your strengths and work accordingly, and there's a FB group too with the same name.
The penny dropped for me recently as a friend was diagnosed with ADHD, she shared some articles and I saw myself reflected in them with a sickening clarity. I'm planning to seek diagnosis to confirm I'm not just lazy or scatterbrained, but I'm afraid I'll be told that's all it is, which would be a massive kick in the teeth now I've started to come to terms with the concept.
You're the same person you've always been, but now you have a key to understanding how your brain works. I hope you can reach some more balance as you settle into the diagnosis. Take care xx

I was diagnosed with ADHD a few years ago. I'm in my early 50s. No medication for ADHD here, but AD/AA meds have more recently been added to my life.

I know exactly what you mean. But... I was in danger of losing the post-diagnosis present and future to mourning a lost past. Luckily my hyperfocus went into overdrive and I spend an inordinate amount to time looking into coping strategies and bonding through laughter with other people in the same boat. Anything that make me sad, I turn off. If it leaves me emotionally neutral or laughing like a drain, I keep watching.

I am nothing like the woman diagnosed a few years ago. Certainly a whack of credit has to go to the Ads/AA meds. But the rest. That was me.

I may have curly brain that works (or doesn't work) differently, But there is still shit I can do most days to make me a a teeny bit better than I was yesterday, or last week.

I don't grieve for my almost five undiagnosed decades. There are what got me to this place and this time. With this character. Perfect I am a long way from, but I am good enough and will keep getting better, even though only millimetres at a time.

You have now lovie. Don't let it become more past that you mourn for.

Big fat hug from a fellow late bloomer.

I think I'm about 3 years post-dx.

Annoyingly, my GP won't do shared care.

I'm in Wales where there is a dedicated service for autistic people but literally nothing for Adhd people (despite considerable overlap) without going via the local mental health team. I'm certainly not going to take resources from people in crisis when the cmhts are so stretched. My mental health is really good but some support, both meds & talking or group therapy would be helpful.

@PlayDohDots Your experience sounds familiar. I think lockdown has been a catalyst for a lot of people. I’m a bit scared of getting sucked into a TikTok vortex, but I like ADDitude. Agree it’s good to know it’s a biological thing and to find strategies.

@SunshineThelma I had given it a brief listen but the Americanness got to me! Maybe I need to give it another whirl. I hope you can get your diagnosis soon. I’m sure you will have ADHD confirmed.

@NebbiaZanzare That was wonderful, so encouraging. I’m so glad things have worked out well. Thank you.

@Wombats12 that’s not ideal. I suppose - at a stretch - it’s because they’ve not long realised that ADHD persists into adulthood. But the lack of services is clearly all wrong when you look at the public health impact of unmanaged ADHD. I really hope this changes.

[quote ATieLikeRichardGere]@NebbiaZanzare That was wonderful, so encouraging. I’m so glad things have worked out well. Thank you.[/quote]
BTW, I'm no superwoman. But I read something. About not comparing yourself to others, but instead comparing yourself to your past self (like yesterday, cos even I can remember yesterday ... most days 😅).

That was pivotal moment for me. I no longer felt about 50 years behind all the other competitors in the race of life. I only have to work on my pace today compared to my pace yesterday. And I don't have to turn myself from drunken tortoise with several verrucas in Usan Bolt's rabbit cousin to win. Tiny milliseconds of improvement per day (or week if hyperfocus has had a party) adds up faster than I thought it would.

Yep, definitely baby steps.

I'm currently being asked to come up with smart goals. That doesn't work for me. One day at a time improving processes...put every cooking appliance on a timer, clean for 5 minutes, do 1 km of exercise, small things add up. No lofty distant goals.

If it makes you feel any better I was in my late 40s!

It’s natural to feel angry but I think lots of people have early experiences that make things hard for them, whether it’s something like dyslexia or abuse or just a very disadvantaged start in life. Life is very unfair...

It’s important to do a bit of mourning for what could have been, but if you turn to the future you will feel a lot more energised than if you look back.

Get some counselling if you think it would help, but I think the main thing is focus forward as much as you can.

I know what you mean. I have MS and it was missed for years and years whilst I struggled on. I sometimes have days where I think about “if only” but those days have got less with time xx

How long ago were you diagnosed, OP?

Baby steps, not comparing yourself to others, looking forward. It’s all very solid advice which I know I must take.

But if I can just wallow for a moment longer. I know everyone has their challenges and struggles and that life is hard and unfair most of the time. This hasn’t been my only challenge - I was under a psychiatrist from the age of 5 as I had other serious problems. My life hasn’t been entirely trauma free. I’m also very lucky for some of the protective factors in my life that others are not so fortunate to have, which have probably kept me alive frankly. But but but. If only the neurodiversity aspect had been seen, I really think much of the mental illness, some of the trauma, could have been avoided. That just makes me angry to think about. I know it can’t be changed now. I know I have to look forward. But if someone had just asked a few of the right questions! If some of the things I did say had only been listened to and believed! Ugh. Maybe counselling, yes.