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I am overthinking things aren't I?

15 replies

NothingEverChangesButTheShoes · 16/06/2021 21:51

I know a lady through a mutual interest. We aren't friends, more acquaintances, and I haven't really seen her since the start of the pandemic. She used to sit with me, because the wider group is quite cliquey.

Go back about two years. She became a little clingy and gave me a lot of workbooks for DD. She said they were left over from her own daughter, but I noticed in the bottom of the plastic bag they came the receipt dated for three days previous. Her DD is a good few years older so they'd have been no use to her at the time of buying. The books came to over £20. The lady has a disability which has caused her to stop working and I felt very uncomfortable accepting the books when she'd spent so much and then lied. I spoke to the group leader, tried to stay clear and things died down.

During the pandemic the lady has called me a couple of times and I've been supportive but guarded.

Roll on to three weeks ago. I met her out and about and since then things have got odd. She called me. I was with DD and I try not to answer calls when she is about. I don't have time to chat, I'd rather play. Lady called me again and left two voicemails. So I called her back in the evening and chatted. She has now left the group we were part of because she didn't like the leader or anyone else there apart from a couple of people. I had noticed no one would really bother with her, but I respected her and was polite.

The next week she called again, left me voicemails and texts until I answered. I sent a text this time. She said she wanted to give me some things to help my DD and she will come to DD's school to meet me. I didn't really want her coming to DD's school so I said she could meet either after drop off or come to my home and gave her my address. She came and brought a lot of nursery type resources (my DD is quite a bit past nursery) for DD. She mentioned she was having trouble paying her mortgage but I noticed she must have used a lot of ink and laminating paper to make the resources. End of, or so I thought.

Tonight at school pick up, the children were dismissed early and on the way home my phone started ringing. I ignored it because I was driving. It rang again 5 minutes later. We get home and it's the lady. Ringing because she was outside school and wanted to see DD. I found that very odd. She has her own primary aged daughter that she should have been home for. I text her at five pm after she text me a couple of times telling me she wanted to see DD and hoping everything was OK. I told her we'd been busy.

She's likely on quite strong medication and I'm wondering whether her decision making skills are clouded. I haven't asked for anything and don't expect to be ambushed outside school especially since she has her own children. I'm also a little worried about her hanging round wanting to see DD. Part of me thinks she is just being kind. Part of me has all sorts of weird and wonderful scenarios where she'd intercepted DD at the classroom door. I don't know how the teacher knows who is picking up because the picker up asks for the child by name and no one has ever picked DD up apart from me.

To where you lot come in. How do I get rid of this woman? I can't exactly go to anyone to tell her to stop because she's not done anything aside from ask around for my address before I gave it to her. Someone told me she'd been asking. Do I tell school she's been bobbing about outside? Do I tell her not to come to school? We are often busy straight after school and are rushing off to a club so we'd have no time to chat. Or, should I just completely ignore her?

I've NC for this because it involves my DD indirectly. Also. Sorry. Far too LONG.

OP posts:
dudsville · 16/06/2021 21:58

That would annoy me greatly and start to creep me out. I'd try to find some way of telling her you and your family can't be what she wants you to be and that you're stopping contact. I haven't found a way of dying this that doesn't hurt people's feelings, but honestly she's massively overstepped by going to your child's school so her feelings aren't your priority.

Gymhairdontcare · 16/06/2021 22:05

I'd have a word with the school and make sure they are aware of the situation and also it adds protection if she tries to pick your dd up ( she does sound a bit crazy )

Babynames2 · 16/06/2021 22:07

Definitely speak to the school, tell her class teacher the woman is overly keen on seeing your DD and that nobody but you will be collecting her.

I would be concerned as well OP, it’s really creepy. I’d start ignoring calls and replying with very short texts instead. Brush her off with being busy a lot and eventually she may get bored.

Does her child attend the same school?

NothingEverChangesButTheShoes · 16/06/2021 22:23

Her child attends a school in a different town. I'm glad other people are thinking the same as me. I haven't asked for any help with resources or contacted her without her prompting. I don't really have the time or inclination to be what this lady wants me to be. I know that may sound awful to her if she is simply trying to help, but it appears help has strings attached. It strikes me as bizarre that she'd already given me the things and still went to the school. She does like children and helped with children's activities so I'm 95% sure it is innocent, but I don't like it.

OP posts:
lborgia · 16/06/2021 22:24

I don't think she actually has a daughter. Unless you've met her.

This really goes against the grain, but because I've ended up in a difficult situation by being kind like this, I'd have to be fairly blunt and ask why she is fixated on helping your daughter, meeting your daughter, not home with her own.

You could just go NC, but honestly this often triggers a person to go full smother.

I'm so sorry. It's shit when you find yourself in the middle of someone else's fantasy, and it can be scary. Don't do the female thing of continuing to be polite, not want to rock the boat etc. It can get very serious.

Good luck, and please either tell another friend, partner, or even pop into the police station for some advice. Before anyone freaks out, I'm not saying report her, just ask if you can get some advice about a woman showing far too much in your daughter. At what stage should you ask them to log an incident?

Follow your gut, but this already seems to have been going on over quite a period of time.

HerMammy · 16/06/2021 22:29

@lborgia
Could be right, how she at your school at home time? who is collecting her DD?
If she has a DD she’ll know the things she’s gave you are not in the correct age range.
She sounds like she’s fixating on you both, speak to school, tell her to stop contacting you, nip it in the bud before it escalates.

NothingEverChangesButTheShoes · 16/06/2021 22:32

She has got a daughter. I've met her. One of her DC has the same condition as mine, so she is an 'expert'. I've heard her turn on one of her children and I didn't like it. I let it go because we all have different parenting styles. Have told people from the group (hence name change) and DH. I kept her at arms length and the pandemic helped, but I am unsure why meeting her at random a few weeks ago triggered this.

OP posts:
NothingEverChangesButTheShoes · 16/06/2021 22:33

I did wonder whether the DD is with her dad now and not at the lady's home.

OP posts:
lborgia · 16/06/2021 22:40

Because just seeing you was enough of a trigger.

Sounds as if you might be spot on, if her daughter is no longer at hers, her intensity will ramp up.

Stay. Away.

NothingEverChangesButTheShoes · 16/06/2021 23:09

The whole thing freaks me out. DH is as puzzled as I am. I'm going to ignore her. If she does come again I will have to tell her we're busy and rush off. I am more interested in why she felt she didn't need to be where her own child was. I'd not be separated from mine after school unless I was working or on my death bed.

OP posts:
FictionalCharacter · 17/06/2021 02:48

This is very abnormal behaviour from her, she’s not just being kind. She has lied to you, is trying to force herself into your lives, and waiting outside the school uninvited demanding to see your DD is plain wrong. You don’t owe her any consideration or kindness now she’s done that - get rid.

Susannahmoody · 17/06/2021 02:52

Bit odd. Don't be shy about cutting her lose and potentially offending her. You owe her nothing

Aquamarine1029 · 17/06/2021 03:22

I would not be concerned about her feelings. You certainly don't have to be rude or cruel, but you can definitely be firm. This "relationship" needs to come to an end. Red flags and weirdo alarms are all over the place with this woman, and I would definitely be speaking to the school about her. The fact that she comes to your child's school is off the charts weird and concerning.

prettylittlestar · 17/06/2021 10:26

Sounds like someone I knew. Next she will be telling you to do a parenting course. After that I was done.

NothingEverChangesButTheShoes · 18/06/2021 17:22

Happily I haven't heard from her since. So hopefully she's got the message.

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