If you asked a non family member to be your DC's Guardian...

[Eastie77]

Can I ask who you chose and why? I'm in the process of sorting out my will and need to think about this (obviously if DP is around he would look after them but thinking worst case scenario and we are both not around).

Unfortunately none of my siblings would be appropriate for various reasons. My parents are very elderly and one has Dementia. DP is not close to his family and they live abroad. Plus both DC would struggle to live in his home country.

I have a couple of very close friends I could ask and who I know would do it but (and I hope this isn't insensitive) one is childfree whilst the other has 2 DC and I'm not sure if it would be 'better' to ask one versus the other.

Exactly the same situation here. We asked friends who have teenagers the same sex as our child and who live in our city. They said yes.

We have picked a life long family friend and her husband. We have chosen people we believe have similar values, would do a fantastic job, and DCs enjoy being with. They are also in a postion to be able to do it. We had 3 family options, but 2 would be unfair choices (both for our DCs and theirs) due to their own circumstances, and the 3rd family's values/lifestyle is at odds with our own. We also have a back up guardian choice, who is a very long-standing family friend. They would also do a fantastic job, but it would come at a greater personal cost to the guardian than the first choice, hence being the back up.
It doesn't worry me that neither choice is family, as I know both would make huge efforts to ensure DCs keep regular contact with their relatives, and would fully take on a parental role.

I should add, our first choice are child free, and the second has adult DCs.

We still have to sort out wills, but I asked my best friend who my daughter considers to be her favourite auntie, and she said yes and threatened to kill me off so she could have my child straight away. They love each other to bits.

My husband has two siblings but we're not close to them at all, my daughter knows her cousins to a point but doesn't really have a relationship with them. It would be awful for her to have to live with people she only sees once every couple of years, even though they are very nice.

We asked close friends, who, if we were religious, would have been their GodParents, or equivalent.

They are child free due to medical issues but would have been our first choice either way.

My DSis1 has mental health issues which means she's not ideally suited to do it.
DSis2 has 3 DC of her own and I didn't want my DC being the youngest.
DSIL lives abroad and is 10 years older than DH. She's child free by choice (teacher) but her age and location ruled her out.

If DFriends had said "no", I don't know who we would have chosen when we re-wrote out Will after DC's birth, but now I have close Mum friends I think I could ask.

I would do it for some, but not all, of my DFriends children.

We've picked our close friends as they have worked to develop a relationship with the kids that's quite separate to myself and DH and are close.
They would be loved, cared for and secure with them.

We're down as guardians for three different families- none are related to us.

Not sure why they picked us.

We went with we would be happy raising our kids.
Our first choice said no as they felt at the time it would be too much(and MIL interfered). Given how much MIL is emerges with them I'm glad we didn't go that route.

It doesn't have to be a forever decision. You can change your will whenever you want.

We are named for two families. My conditions when I said yes were that there would be financial provision to make it possible (you can't always find spare bedrooms in your house) and that both sets of grandparents knew about it and were happy. I didn't want them to be contesting it or for it to be a surprise.

We were advised to not do this, as it can cause issues if the named people can’t act as their own circumstances have changed. (Think health changes, their own family tragedy or split, moved abroad etc)
We were advised that the right thing tends to happen at the time, should there be such awful circumstances as demands it.

I have appointed my childless (but not by choice) friend. She knows my children and they like her. I have said it is up to her to decide as my proxy but I trust her to choose someone else if the circumstances make that the best choice. She will have control of my money to spend in trust for the children.

My thought is to talk to the friends with children first, and be upfront with them that you were also considering the childfree friend. They can then hopefully be honest with you about whether they are willing to be named and help you make a decision.

I was the person who was asked - from what was said at the time of the request, it was because I was nearby, would prize a good education (and keep them at current schools), support them to go to higher education etc. Aside from those sorts of nuts and bolts, it was just things like having shared outlook on life, work ethic, planning ahead etc.

It wasn't needed, youngest is now over 18, but it was flattering to have been asked.

It might be worth naming more than one set of future guardians, just in case between now and then something happens in their lives and they can't take on your DC should the need arise.

PP's point about making sure that your wishes are known, understood and unlikely to be contested is a good one.

We did and luckily it wasn’t needed.
We set up a group of very close friends we trusted to make decisions as we would want and who would put the children first in those decisions. It included a senior lawyer who could advise and bat away challenge from family and her husband who is an accountancy partner who was well placed to advocate financially.
The deal was the trust would hold all monies and decision making rights until the eldest reached eighteen, when she would join the decision making board as a full voting member.
We have acted in a similar capacity for friends with children.

Why? We wanted our children raised in accordance with our values. We wanted them together. We wanted them to be as financially secure as possible and not to be used to fund distant family lifestyle changes. We wanted them cared for by people who really wanted to do it.

I have been asked to do this three times but have only said yes once.

The yes was for one of my godsons and his younger sister. I was very good friends with his parents for a couple of years before they got pregnant, and throughout was at their house a couple of times a week, we went out together, holidayed together and I took the kids out and babysat frequently. We were part of a wider group of friends and members of the same church.

Each of the parents had siblings (8 in total!) but none lived close and they wanted their children to be able to stay in school and with their friends if the worst happened and neither parent could look after them.

Among their friends there were many couples with children the same age they spent a lot of time with whom I am sure would have agreed to do this, but they chose me because I:

• didn't have my own children so theirs would remain the sibling unit
• had very similar values, interests, attitudes to discipline, risk etc to their own - proven over years of close friendship
• agreed I would move into their home until the youngest was 18 so that the kids had continuity

It never happened, and I would have done it with no question, BUT, on reflection now:

• I never had children - what if I had? I assume that would have changed my views and theirs, not on having the kids, but on moving into their house etc?

• I didn't have a move-in type relationship over all those years. That would definitely have changed things, especially the 'moving in to the kids house' part

• What would have happened when the youngest turned 18? Would I just move out and leave them to it?

• how would living expenses etc have been sorted? Would I have had full access to their money to bring the kids up? Full discretion on what to spend it on and how much? What about house repairs / improvements? Petrol money? What would happen with the money and bank account access when the kids passed 18? Their dad is an accountant so I assume had things in place, but we never discussed any of that which in retrospect seems incredible.

I suppose what I am saying is there is a lot to consider and to pin down.

The two sibling sets I said no to were both a few years after I agreed the first ones. Maybe I was more realistic by then, but I was not prepared to move the length of the country, giving up my entire life and job (which would not have been required for the others) to live there to care for the children, so they would have been completely uprooted.

In one case I could also see massive potential problems with grandparents whose views I absolutely was not aligned with. In the other, although I knew them and got on well, we saw each other maybe twice a year, so I didn't feel the children knew me well enough. In both cases I said that of course I would take the children in if necessary (which I would have) but I didn't think I was the ideal person and they found other more suitable candidates.

My parents were in line to inherit my cousins who were notoriously wild kids and teenagers (now responsible members of society). I remember M & D opening a bottle of something to celebrate the youngest one turning 18, and their release from the possibility of having to take them in...