Can’t seem to be resilient when negative comments are made. How do you manage your thoughts with this?

[imaginethemdragons]

Please?
Today I had a very very negative conversation with someone through work.
It was an attack really, stating that there has been complaints by “lots of people” about me. This I know to be very very exaggerated.

I’m absolutely gutted.
Feel absolutely bloody crap.
I’m spiralling into very very dark thoughts of destruction and that actually I’m a shitty person who absolutely no one likes because am a disgusting and fucking nasty piece of shit.
People “put up with me” no one actually likes me, they tolerate me.

I feel like just cutting off anyone that knows me. Deleting all SM (not that I have any) doing them all a favour, save them making excuses to fuck me off.
How do you deal with this kind of thing healthily & logically?

Break it all down, and try not to jump to extremes.

What was the actual issue that was discussed with you? Was it a problem with a piece of work? Or was it a full on attack on your character. Was there any truth to it?

If not are you able to call a meeting with this person, your manager and their manager?

It was just an attack on my technique for doing something.

Trouble is because I feel so utterly battered and low about it, a meeting would not serve any purpose because I can’t argue or defend.

So it wasn't about you as a person?

What did they feel you were doing wrong? Is it just a difference of opinion, or a protocol issue?

You don't need to give it any headspace at all. Try this as a response "that's your opinion" and by "you" I mean the thoughts. Feel free to ignore and dismiss them. Treat them like an annoying radio ad that will be over soon.

Going for a walk might also help if you can.

I’m spiralling into very very dark thoughts of destruction and that actually I’m a shitty person who absolutely no one likes because am a disgusting and fucking nasty piece of shit.

Do you suffer from depression?

Yes it was about me, my way of doing something.
merry thank you, I am repeating that mantra in my head right now.

Doesn't sound like you're working in a particularly supportive or constructive workplace to be honest. If you get 'attacked' and they're exaggerating problems then you're experiencing something that would make anyone struggle to keep their resilience intact.

Sometimes it's helpful to remember the principles of giving good feedback just so that you can steer anyone who's offering you shitty rants and calling them feedback. (And if they're just ranting, picture them actually flinging poo at you like a safari park chimp. They can fling as much shit as they like - you don't have to catch any of it).

Specific - is it specific, can you understand when/where this happens or is observed? Are they giving you the information you need to get your head around what it is that's actually happening that is a problem?

Task - what is it that you're supposed to do in these situations? Does this differ from what you're doing? Do you fully understand what's expected of you?

Action - what specific actions are you taking that's leading to the perceived problem? Can the person giving the feedback pinpoint these?

Result - what is it that they actually want to see as a result of this conversation? Have they told you what the outcome needs to be or have they just offered criticism?

If they're not actually giving you the information you need to be able to understand problems and put them right, that's what you need the meeting about - your need for clear and constructive feedback that you're not getting at the moment.

So not about you personally just the way you do something?
Any truth in it? If so can you try to do it the way they want? If not ignore.

Try to break into down into different components:

The initial complaint about the process - is there any merit to it, do you need to change how you are doing something, or do you just do it differently to them and both are equally fine? Problem dealt with

Secondly their manner of discussing: they felt the need to exaggerate the number of complaints made in order to satisfy their own need to belittle you in the discussion. This is their problem, not yours. If they are a manager, it is a failing in their management technique, ignore them. If they are a colleague with no authority, they should have addressed this with your manager, ignore them

A person can only enter your headspace if you let them. And I only let in people who I respect their judgement. If I don't respect you as a person/manager/colleague it doesn't matter what you think of me, I'll do the job to the best of my ability and take on board constructive criticism of my work and change that if I need to, but personal attacks and belittling say far more about them than me.

I can be my own worst critic, and exceptionally hard on myself if I don't feel like I've done a good job, so anxiety can get the better of me, but it's very rare that it's an external cause

A lot of people are struggling at the moment and bullies seem to be identifying and bullying the weakest. Could this be the case here?

I’m spiralling into very very dark thoughts of destruction and that actually I’m a shitty person who absolutely no one likes because am a disgusting and fucking nasty piece of shit. People “put up with me” no one actually likes me, they tolerate me.

Oh OP I’ve felt this way before, not necessarily about work but about personal situations. Now, instead of thinking “what’s wrong with me that they would treat me like this?” I always try to think “what’s wrong with them that they would treat someone like this?”

It’s a small thing but it can really help. And like Gliblet said, catch none of that shit

I’m spiralling into very very dark thoughts of destruction and that actually I’m a shitty person who absolutely no one likes because am a disgusting and fucking nasty piece of shit.

Did you get criticised a lot as a child?

You are giving this person a huge amount of power. Just because they said something doesn’t mean that has to become your reality. You can hear their comment, weight it up and- if you don’t agree- reject it. Your judgement is as important as theirs.

I think that there is truth in it but I’m a people pleaser and don’t want to upset anyone so I tend to automatically think that anyone saying something negative that they must be right…on account of me being a shitty human being.

I escalated a concern but was hit back with this attack. They completely turned it around to 360 to being my technique, my fault…everybody says so kind of thing.

I do of course intend on amending my technique totally from here on in.
The other thing is that I feel humiliated knowing that people have complained and voiced that they have noticed and are bothered by what I do. People have been talking about me in other words.

That behaviour from them is bullying and designed to shut up.

I'm like you and would be in pieces.

Your concern clearly hit a very raw spot and had great merit.

I once had a run-in in which I was told “Everyone thinks xyz of you.” This was (and sometimes still is) a nightmare for the negative voice inside my head.

It helped me at the time to examine it as if it was an assertion made in a Court. Does everyone really think this? (In my case only 4 people did and I could name lots of people who didn’t), Is there any truth in what they are saying? (In my case, I identified the element of truth but then also why it was unfair of them to draw conclusions from it). Do I trust their judgement? (Actually on this issue, no). Why did I think they were saying it? (In my case partly to make themselves feel better, to assert authority over me, because they aren’t well informed and lack empathy and people skills).

Try to step back and remember who you are (what are your values etc) You’re clearly conscientious and care about the job you do. You would not behave as they are doing to you if you were in their shoes. You would know it would be bad management.

As gets said regularly on mn - don’t let them piss on your chips.

Thanks everyone, good logical advice.
Just what I need.