Being a B list friend

[IncessantNameChanger]

I have always suspected I'm plan B for one of my closest friends.

For a few years my friend has been in and out of work and I'm on a career break with primary / infant age kids. When friend was out of work, she asks to see me on adverage twice a week during the day.

Now she is back in work she sees the same two friends every weekend only I only see her once a month.

In pre covid days when she was full time I would see her one evening a week.

I know it's her prerogative and in pre covid times I was fine with this as at least I saw her often.

I think that what's irking me this time is the feeling that I'm ok for filling time during unemployment times, but when there is a better offer I'm not in favour.

I'm not sure I want to continue this cycle of seeing her a few times a week during the day when she is out of work knowing that the reason we are meeting up is because her preferred friends are at work and I'm merely the only person available.

I'm currently in the middle of counselling about my abusive mother during my childhood. I realise I'm a people pleaser. I wonder if I'm just happy to have any friendship even if I'm being used a bit?

I dont want to end our friendship as she is my only local friend. But I dont want to be seen as the reliable plan B. I feel like I get all her emotional baggage and none of the fun right now. I get my ear bent for hours about her problems while her other mates get drinks and bbq in the garden. I know that sounds like I'm jealous. In that respect I am.

Not sure how I can break this cycle or put some boundaries in my life

Just be honest with her about how you feel. Whether it ends the friendship or not it might give her some perspective about her behaviour.

Find some new friends so you are less reliant on her.

Isn’t the issue simply that she’s free during the day when she’s out of work, as are you when you’re on a career break? But those other friends she can only see at the weekend, regardless of whether she’s working or not, because they are?

I find it a bit strange that you’ve decided this is an A list/B list thing. Do you actually want to see her at the weekend, or have you just decided that’s the time she keeps for her ‘A list’ friends?

Do you like this person and value her presence in your life?

The fact that she sees you more often when she’s not working is down to logistics and I wouldn’t think that means that she is using you. But I understand that it’s hurtful that she has other friends that she appears to prioritise over you. But I don’t think that should take away from your friendship. If you are fed up of her offloading on you then maybe you can try to meet in different circumstances like seeing a film or something like that.

I definitely need to find some new friends, and go back to work. I cant really get a job until my year four disabled son moves onto secondary as I need to look all over the country ( he has complex needs so it's not like just sending him to the nearest secondary).

I know she tells me things that she doesnt tell anyone else. But it's not because I'm a close trusted friend. I'm a dumping platform.

I said to her we should go out for meal when places opened again. Im always told the right things but it never happens.

She asked me over last week then had a headache last minute. I know her other two friends and I'm not sure if she saw them separately or together. I wish I wasn't such a people pleasing mug as I feel that I just repeatedly fall into that role rather than withdrawing my unlimited support for little in return.

I do need to arrange to make other friends

I also don't think she is doing anything wrong. When she's working, she's busier. That's life. I don't really get why you are so upset.

You really need to concentrate on making other friends (where you are now). I've no idea if your friend is being reasonable or not in her behaviour towards you but you're putting far too much pressure on the relationship imo.

People do have friends at differing levels of closeness, that's normal, as is seeing them more often when you're not working than when you are. I have friends that I would say I'm close to but I know they have other friends that they probably see more often than me, I do think its important bot to become too reliant on one friendship. If she is constantly bailing out of plans at the last minute or its always you that makes contact that wouldn't be reasonable on her part, but it sounds more as if its just that life gets in the way for her.

I totally understand where you are coming from OP.

What has helped me is realizing that I need to be more picky and keep people on acquaintance level and not expect too much from them. Not worry about what they are thinking about me and when they want to spend time with me or who they are better friends with. Some people are fun or interesting to talk to occasionally but it’s up to me to decide if I want to spend more time with them - this was a revolutionary thought to me.

Instead of hoping that someone will become a best friend, it’s better to have a more take it or leave it approach. Like you said I think it’s about boundaries.

@StrawberryCreamCake yes it's totally about my boundaries. I'm normally happy with not being one of her best friends. It's more that I feel that I bend over too much to fill holes when it suits her. I feel like I should be available everytime as that what Good friends do.

I know she has less time for everyone when she is working full time. But on the other hand ì feel like I'm always available to fill her days when she is free. I dont feel happy with that balance. If she is happy to see me twice weekly when she is out of work then I feel I need figure somewhere in life when she is working.

It's that i allow myself to be someone to pick up and put down as her life changes.

So it's more the fact that I would be happy seeing her every few weeks right now, if that also ment I saw her every few weeks when she needs to fill her days. That's my issue. I dont know why I have to be so available all the time when its suits other people.

I would prefer to be a once every six weeks catch up type of friend or once a month for a hours coffee. I dont want to be intense when it fits in with her. Not that I dont like spending time with her, I do. I think people are right, I'm expecting too much but because im giving too much time away.

It's the fact I allow myself to be picked up and put down that im upset with. I upset at my lack of boundaries. Irrespective of what's going on in her life or her priorities, why do I allow myself to do this? It's not really about her, it's me.

A desire to be liked or loved? Feeling like if you do everything you can for someone they will reciprocate? I’m not sure. You mentioned your mother.

For me lack of boundaries definitely relates to a traumatic childhood.

I had a friend I kept pouring my time into and who I was always a shoulder to cry on for and the person to run to when everything wasn’t going well in her life and who I always made excuses for. Turned out she had alcohol addiction issues so I ran to support her even more. She got so drunk in the middle of the day she rolled over and suffocated her 4-month old baby. I still tried to be there for her while others were (as I saw it) much harsher on her. Then I found out she had lost an advanced pregnancy due to drinking and had her driving licence taking away for being insanely over the limit with her other daughter in the car. And then one day...she criticized my parenting over something really small and I thought OMG I let people walk all over me. I recently found out she had caused yet another baby to die.

If you aren’t getting what you want from this friendship with her then end the friendship or distance yourself a little

Everyone at the baby’s funeral was clearly wondering why I was all of a sudden her best friend who she chose to have sat right next to her instead of even her husband. She told me I was “the kindest person she’d even met” I.e. a complete doormat!

Yes you have nailed it on the head. I'm definitely always looking to be validated for my bending over backwards.

God that's so sad about your friend. Totally tragic and I'm sorry you was caught up such a traumatic situation. Poor kids 😭

My friend is a good person and a total socail butterfly. I do like her company a lot. I dont want to cut her out of my life. I just dont want to tip over into letting her use me either which it feels like sometimes.

I'm.not happy being the friend that listens and deals with the tears if there are other friends who dont get that but get the drinks and fun. I seem to fall into these roles from time to time and I'm just grateful I get any attention at all. Positive or negative.

The pandemic feels like its putting a magnifier over a very long standing friendship. Or my councilling is.

I think I'm going to ask her to do what I suggest and work on being assertive. I clearly need some practice!

I hardly ever fall out with anyone. I think sometimes people subconsciously see you as a people pleaser and you just fall into that role.

OP, I think you need to take responsibility for contributing to the dynamic of this friendship.

As I think you realise, people-pleasing isn't a cute failing, or a sign you're just too nice for other people, who are hard-faced users (something that shows up again and again here as a misapprehension). People-pleasing is a sign of something wrong in your own psyche, of cripplingly low self-esteem. It means you keep colluding in a situation in which you act as service personnel to someone else (and at least you actually like your friend, because on so many similar threads it's clear the people pleaser has no liking or respect for the person they are running around after!) because you don't have enough confidence in your own capacity to attract and keep friends without continual availability or being a shoulder to cry on/free childcare/whatever.

But the good thing is that this also means it's in your gift to change things.

What would happen if you stopped making yourself available to her during the week? If you said, 'No, I'm not free on Tuesday or Thursday or Friday afternoon -- what about meeting for brunch on Saturday?'