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‘Surely you should be worrying about having kids’

11 replies

Reatutr · 14/06/2021 15:51

A colleague said today (let’s call her Anna) said to another colleague (let’s call her Katy) in a group chat, that ‘surely you should be worrying about having kids?’ Katy is 36, been with her partner a year and haven’t yet moved in together yet. Katy just laughed this off (I’m not hugely close to her so it’s not something I will talk to her about separately). I’ve no idea why Anne thought it was ok to say this, the wider conversation had been about a gift for another colleague in this context, but still it’s quite inappropriate.

Even thought the comment wasn’t directed at me, it’s completely thrown me into a panic. I am essentially the same situation as Katy but only been with my partner a few months, I’m a year younger but we are yet to get into talking about having kids together! We’ve both said we want them in general terms though.

I just feel so panicked and so sad. I worry about this stuff generally but what else can I do other than see how this relationship goes? I feel under so much pressure and feel so sad about it all. The way Anne said this today she seemed totally shocked Katy hasn’t moved forward with her relationship...yet I’m way behind that even if I am a year younger.

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 14/06/2021 15:57

A year is nothing! There's new evidence to suggest that the old idea of 35 being some sort of magic cut off for fertility is no longer relevant.

Society pressures women terribly...then that's added to by the stupid tradition of men being the one to propose...

Please don't panic. You're where you are...if you're happy with your current relationship, just enjoy it. I would not advise ANY woman to get pregnant just a year into a relationship!

My sister in law is a lesbian and she decided at the age of 43 that she would have a baby alone. Not everyon'es idea of a good choice but she did it...and she's happy.

Men and relationships are not the only route to a baby. The amount of divorced couples with kids shows that marriage isn't the natural way for all families anyway.

FortunesFave · 14/06/2021 15:58

Sorry, the link is about fertility being longer now.

Reatutr · 14/06/2021 16:03

Thanks @FortunesFave

I’m embarrassed to say I’ve been hiding in the loos most of today just in a state of panic and upset. I want to have a big discussion with my partner but things have been going well and I didn’t want to rush it. I feel so confused.

I feel under so much pressure. I will be 36 in a few months.

OP posts:
murbblurb · 14/06/2021 16:20

does your sillybitch of a colleague even know that the other woman wants kids? Perhaps she does and can't have them? This is a stupid thing to say, don't let it get to you. And I'm sorry that sillybitch is so insensitive.

PermanentTemporary · 14/06/2021 16:23

It sounds like it's hit a nerve from you but - nothing has changed. Somebody made a thoughtless comment, thats all. You're happy in a relationship that's developing well and you know your partner isn't opposed to the idea of kids. You're in a good situation, try not to dwell on it.

Ttc42nearly43 · 06/07/2021 16:41

If you are really concerned you can get a blood test done this is to test your AMH levels private fertility clinics offer this

GeorgiePorge · 06/07/2021 17:03

OP take your time, and please don't let other people's comments panic you.. although I appreciate how hard that is to do in practice.

I was sent into a spin by a locum GP carrying out a cervical exam when I was 31. She asked me if I had children and when I said no her reply was "oh didn't you want a family then?". Her whole treatment of me from when I walked in the room was way below par but rather than standing up for myself or making a complaint, I fled in despair about my childless future (I had just split from long term partner so was a bit fragile).

Fertility is a complex thing and age is one of many contributing factors. I've fallen pregnant at 37 with not much more than a sideways look from my partner and so far had a very standard pregnancy.

Don't rush your relationship on the basis of careless comments that people have given no thought at all too. The moment I got into a new relationship people started asking me when I was getting married... are we having kids... I just had to treat it as mindless chatter and smile in response.

Enjoy this early stage of a new relationship and getting to know someone. The rest will follow. x

LuxOlente · 06/07/2021 17:10

A comment like that in my male-dominated industry would mean a report to HR. I'd frankly report the silly bint. Comments like that are designed to keep women disrespected in the workplace and out of the running for promotion and opportunity.

TeenMinusTests · 06/07/2021 17:14

Might be worth in the next few months having more than a 'general' conversation though. e.g. I'd want to be trying for kids clearly this side of 40. If he is thinking '10 years away' you need to know now not in 4 years' time.

ahoyshipmates · 06/07/2021 17:17

I do wish people would engage their brains before opening their mouths when it comes to other people's fertility. And then preferably keep their mouth firmly shut.

Oh and OP - I had my first at 37. Smile

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