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Original poster

Wwyd? I feel so conflicted!

41 replies

AintNobodyHereButUsChickens · 14/06/2021 14:30

DH is taking me away for my birthday at the end of the month and his mum said she would have the kids. Great! All sorted. I mentioned to DH that we could get DS a toddler airbed for when he stays at grandmas and he'd be so excited. And DH was like " Confused But they'll be here?!" It turns out that it's been arranged that MIL will be staying here in our house while we are away. I told DH hell would freeze over before I ever allow that woman to stay in my house unsupervised.

Now, there is a huuuuuge backstory. MIL is overbearing, interfering, controlling and I see her as little as possible. She kicked off when we booked our wedding (told us we were stupid and it would ruin our relationship), after our DD was born she told us we couldn't have any more kids, so naturally she kicked off when we announced DC2. She went mad when we put in an offer on our house because she hadn't viewed it yet (DH had to book another viewing just for her Hmm ) When I was heavily pregnant with DD she offered to do a big clean of our house because I was really struggling. She told me to go out so I wouldn't be in her way so I obliged, came home and she'd rearranged the kitchen. I'm 99.9% certain she rummaged around in the drawers in our bedroom under the guise of putting laundry away as things were disturbed in bedside table drawers. On our wedding day she gave DH a card, told him not to show me and to open it the next day. It said how proud of him she was and how thankful she was to him for giving her a granddaughter. And that she wished he would get me to do more housework because he works hard and deserves a nice house.

When we moved into this house, we ended up having DHs brother living with us for 3 and a half YEARS (still kicking myself now for putting up with it for so long). He finally moved out a month before lockdown happened last year (thank god!!) he was living with us all through my second pregnancy and when I was 5-6 months, I had a go at BIL for leaving a mess on my freshly scrubbed hob. Next day MIL calls me for 'a little chat' and in a nutshell, paraphrasing slightly here- she told me I had to be BILs skivvy, I'm lazy and disgusting for not ironing and I have to lose weight. Same pregnancy, around 30 weeks-ish, she told us she had bought DS a toddler bed Confused bearing in mind he was still in my uterus at this point. The bed never actually materialised so we're not sure what happened there.

Anyway, I don't want her to stay here. We DON'T have a guest room so the only place for her to sleep would be in our bed. Honestly the thought of this makes me feel sick. It's my home, my bedroom is my safe space. I don't want her tainting it. DH says it would be easier for the kids as all their stuff is here which is true tbf. But it's not like her house isn't child friendly and it's plenty big enough, DD has her own bedroom there!

WWYD?? I'm conflicted because I know it would be easier for the kids. But the thought of that woman invading my happy place is really upsetting me Sad

TL:DR AIBU to put my foot down and not allow a woman I can't stand to stay in my house and bed?

OP posts:
Original poster
AintNobodyHereButUsChickens · 14/06/2021 14:33

FYI our house is not a hovel. We just dust slightly less often than she would like Hmm

OP posts:
Golden2021 · 14/06/2021 14:34

After reading that, I'd rather cancel and go without the trip. She sounds vile and you need to make sure your dh is fully supporting you.

Original poster
AintNobodyHereButUsChickens · 14/06/2021 14:36

@Golden2021

After reading that, I'd rather cancel and go without the trip. She sounds vile and you need to make sure your dh is fully supporting you.
I sort of feel the same, but DH and I have never been away together, just the 2 of us. And we've already spent £250 on it which is nonrefundable Sad
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NeilBuchananisBanksy · 14/06/2021 14:38

Nope, they stay at her house. I'd be really cross at DH about this too.

Crunchymum · 14/06/2021 14:38

So, so many things to unpick here.

Why are you letting someone so vile spend time with your kids unattended?

Why have you stayed with a man who clearly doesn't support you?

Quite frankly if you are happy for her to provide childcare so you can have a break, then I don't see the massive deal with her being in your house.

LondonStone · 14/06/2021 14:40

Same as Golden. I’d say either the kids go to her or you cancel the whole thing.

Absolutely no way to sleeping in your bed. And ‘all the kids stuff is at your house’? True but it’s easy enough to pack a bag for a few nights.

Golden2021 · 14/06/2021 14:41

They need to stay at hers then. Both put your foot down.

Justmuddlingalong · 14/06/2021 14:41

If he won't back you up, tell him to take MIL instead. I wouldn't back down on this.

Iloveacurry · 14/06/2021 14:44

I’d take the financial loss and cancel if I was you.

bananaboats · 14/06/2021 14:46

I wouldn't allow this but with the relationship as you describe I wouldn't be letting them stay with her either. Though as is often the case it's sounds like you have a DH problem not a MIL problem which is a much bigger issue.

Original poster
AintNobodyHereButUsChickens · 14/06/2021 14:48

@Crunchymum

So, so many things to unpick here.

Why are you letting someone so vile spend time with your kids unattended?

Why have you stayed with a man who clearly doesn't support you?

Quite frankly if you are happy for her to provide childcare so you can have a break, then I don't see the massive deal with her being in your house.

I occasionally question these things myself tbh. As much as I hate to admit it, she has been a real life saver since we had DS. DD has found it pretty overwhelming suddenly having a little brother after 7 years of being an only, so MIL will often take her for a weekend and she has a ball there, she loves it. Despite her bitchiness to me, she is a good grandma and the kids love her.

This is literally DHs only flaw, he's brilliant in almost every way, except for standing up to his mum and just agreeing with whatever she says. Drives me bonkers but he is slowly getting better.

OP posts:
LittleDidSheKnow · 14/06/2021 14:50

She sounds beyond awful, but at the same time you can't have it both ways; you can't let her do you a huge favour but also dictate the terms.

I'm another in the 'cancel' camp, I'm afraid.

annacondom · 14/06/2021 14:54

Your DH didn't run this by you because he knew you wouldn't like it. I think you need to explain in words of one syllable that the dch will be going to MILs, or else. It's tricky, explaining why you don't want his DM sleeping in your bed. But he should back you.

quizqueen · 14/06/2021 14:55

I wouldn't be interacting ever with a MIL who spoke to me like this. Luckily, I had a good one though and was happy for her to come to my house and look after the grandchildren. Not to sleep in my bed though. Say you are not going on the break unless the children stay at her place. End of story. Make sure she doesn't have a key.

Justmuddlingalong · 14/06/2021 15:00

After the update, I think your argument falls down slightly. You can still have reservations about your MIL, but your DH must be confused by what appear to be your double standards.

Tangled22 · 14/06/2021 15:11

So she sounds awful. But she’s looking after your children for - what is it, one night? A weekend? A week?

Is there NO ONE else who could have the kids for you? A mate who you wouldn’t mind staying at your house to do it? Could you shorten the trip to two days/one night and have a friend do the childcare?

I wouldn’t let MIL stay in your house, given the backstory and how she treats you. But I also don’t think you can dictate the terms of the favour. It’s either get different childcare or cancel.

blakeway45 · 14/06/2021 15:14

You can't let her do you a huge favour but in the same breath not let her stay. It's one way or the other IMO

RandomMess · 14/06/2021 15:17

Take a friend away instead and leave DH to look after the DC?

Billandben444 · 14/06/2021 15:17

I'd tell DH that you don't want anyone staying in your home (don't need to give a reason) and if MIL can't have both children at hers (she already has one regularly anyway) then he'll need to cancel or take his mother. Then change the subject.

Original poster
AintNobodyHereButUsChickens · 14/06/2021 15:20

@Tangled22

So she sounds awful. But she’s looking after your children for - what is it, one night? A weekend? A week?

Is there NO ONE else who could have the kids for you? A mate who you wouldn’t mind staying at your house to do it? Could you shorten the trip to two days/one night and have a friend do the childcare?

I wouldn’t let MIL stay in your house, given the backstory and how she treats you. But I also don’t think you can dictate the terms of the favour. It’s either get different childcare or cancel.

No-one. Because of lockdown my toddler hasn't seen anyone so he doesn't really know many people! I would have asked my sister but she has a newborn plus 3 other kids. There is a family friend who I would absolutely trust in my house and who adores the kids and vice versa but she works full time.

The trip is 3 nights, it's an event so it's not something we can just rearrange.

OP posts:
Workinghardeveryday · 14/06/2021 15:22

No way I would have her in my personal space.
If it’s going to cause trouble can you not make up something like carpets getting cleaned as your leaving so wet and drying while you’re away?

Notaroadrunner · 14/06/2021 15:25

I'm also baffled as to how you would leave the kids with her at all given your disdain for her. Does she have a key to your house? If not drop the kids to hers on the day of your trip and say there must have been a miscommunication between her and Dh as the kids were always going to be staying at hers. Otherwise tell Dh he's minding the kids while you bring a friend on the weekend away.

Tangled22 · 14/06/2021 15:26

@AintNobodyHereButUsChickens urgh that’s such a shame. I don’t suppose your older child could stay at MILs (she has a bedroom after all!) and you could bring the toddler with you on the trip?

Just as a bargaining chip. So if MIL comes back and says “no I have to stay at yours, because all the kids stuff is there”, you can suggest this solution instead. She can hardly argue that the older child needs to be at yours, if she has her own bedroom at MILs.

Hsurbbrb · 14/06/2021 15:27

I can see why you don’t want her in your house. But you can’t really expect her to do you a favour of this extent and then complain you don’t want her in your house

SmellThis · 14/06/2021 15:31

I would rather not go than worry about this when I'm away