Any tips on supporting a shy child?

[kezziethecat]

My 5 year old son is so shy and really struggles with confidence. I'm not sure how to support him best. His teacher suggested maybe drama classes - has anyone found this helpful? He's quite keen when I suggested it. He does have friends but struggles with big groups and tends to want to follow one other child around who gives him attention but that has led to problems and he does sometimes find himself on his own. I know everyone is different, I was very shy too, but I do feel like I could help him build his confidence in some way.

I'm not sure if il be much help but my son is 5 and is very quiet on the school run. His teacher says he doesn't say much and he doesn't always look up when his friends say hello by the school gates.
I used to get really worried about it but he has plenty of mates and is noisy at home!
Ive just figured now that he's polite and reserved and i was much the same at his age!
What i mean is, don't worry too much, sounds to me that you just have a very nice young man!
🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂

As the archetypical shy child I hated and dreaded anything that drew attention to me like drama classes. I did everything possible to get out of dance class performances ( I didn't mind the classes but to get on stage before loads of strangers? No way!).

I still don't like large groups, detest parties with every bone in my body and I'd rather hang around with one or two people even now.

If he's happy then I'd leave him alone. If he's not happy then you should intervene.

I found judo really good. It's a welcoming environment but also seemed to make mine less fearful and a bit more assertive. It doesn't do to be hiding in shadows.

DD was very shy around that age. Two things I think helped:

1. Me being more confident and walking up to other mothers in the park to strike up conversations or invite people over to give her a model of how to be less shy.
2. Her teacher told me this one - she's gotten really good at gymnastics and that's given her something to show off to her peers and their attention has really boosted her confidence.

Thanks that's really helpful. He is lovely - well behaved and polite - but I do worry his lack of confidence will hold him back. Good idea to get into a hobby, he's not really into football which seems to be what most of his class do so might try a martial art.

As PP have said, a hobby to help build his confidence, but not one that involves lots of people looking at him.
Similar to PP I was a shy child, loved dancing, hated the shows we had to do. As an adult I had to search high and low for dance classes that didn't involve a show at some point- as I would still hate it now!

DS1 used to be shy around that age and was very reluctant to join in group situations or participate in anything like drama.

My best advice is to be respectful of who he is, there’s nothing wrong with him. Giving him the message that there is will be more likely to stop him developing confidence.

DS1 is a teenager now and not at all shy but it’s only fairly recently he’s become more outgoing. He had to do holiday camps on his own throughout primary school as we both work and I think that helped develop his social skills with strangers over the years.

My DD is naturally shy and I used to get advice from family about how to increase her confidence, until it dawned on me one day that I should stop looking at being reserved as a personality flaw that needed to be fixed, OP if your son is on-board with drama classes then go for it, but if not don't force him. Why don't you try a few things and see how he gets on? Good luck!

Adding to all the good advice, I think if you haven’t already, creating lots of emotional literacy through language at home. Like saying to him it looked like he might have been feeling shy earlier, was that right? And trying to open discussion. You may get more information about what his worries are and can support him with them. Also books. When I have something I am concerned about with kids, I always buy a book!!

My 8yo is selective mute (assessed and confirmed at 4).

People used to, and still do, give lots of advice about how to "help her" when actually she just needs a bit of space and time to get comfortable. It's just her personality - yes, it means she fades into the background in large groups sometimes but that's what she's comfortable with.

As long as they can socialise with friends and are happy within themselves then the rest is just what others assume they should be doing. Don't force it, he is who he is!

My child was the same at that age. We used to talk about them ‘feeling shy’ rather than ‘being shy’ in the hope that it wouldn’t become a label that stuck.
We went to plenty of out of school activities and though he was shy to begin, he would join in. Birthday parties would always start with him stuck to my side but he would go off and enjoy himself with some encouragement and reassurance.
I think one of the biggest helps was holiday clubs though. Childcare was never an issue for us but during school holidays he went to one of his weekend activities that run a holiday club for a week or two. Made lots of new friends and built his confidence no end.
He’s nearly 9 now and able to express when he’s nervous or worried about a new situation but isn’t afraid to get involved either (just this last fortnight he has been selected for sessions with 2 new clubs that he has been happy to go along to).

Sorry - one other thought op.

You seem to be conflating confidence with social skills or being extrovert. They’re not the same thing, god knows there are plenty of insecure extroverts out there.

I think our objective as parents is to help our dc develop into themselves and be confident about who they are. Pp have flagged activities which may help with social skills.

Like a PP, DS (now a teenager) is selective mute. There’s a lot to be said for accepting them as they are but as parents we also have to try to prepare them for the real world (not life and soul of party is fine, not being able to order food in a cafe or go into shop to buy some shampoo by time they are an adult not so fine - we’re still working on those two).

If your DS is quite keen on trying drama then go for it but ensure the leaders know your DS might struggle. A shy friend of DD found it really helped her whilst It would have been DS’s worst nightmare. A hobby that they are good at will help as builds confidence and brings them into contact with more people. DS joined a football team and for a couple of years it was really good for him until a few comments made him lose his confidence.

My other tip is to push them out of their comfort zone but with baby steps. So DS went from refusing to go on stage in reception show to standing at back of stage to holding a sign up at back to doing an action to speaking one word behind a mask to saying two sentences in the Y6 show. For someone who is “just shy” rather than the extreme anxiety of a selective mute, they would hopefully progress quicker!

What is wrong with shy or quiet? Precociousness is much less attractive.

My sister was a shy child my parents were quite worried at one point she refused to go to after school activities etc. Grew out of it and now very senior and through her work socialises on a professional basis at events with royalty and the grandest people in England and Hollywood A listers which would make most people quake so we laugh about it now!

My eldest son was very shy and really never wanted to leave the comfort and safety of his home. I encouraged him to be more social by reminding him that either myself or his Dad always returned to collect him (we were always 5 mins early, if he spotted us I could see him visibly relax) then ensured he only spoke about the good aspects of his day not lingering on the aspects he hated.
We tried Beavers with great success and he carried on with the scouting movement until he had to leave at 18 and were less than successful in encouraging him to partake in any team sports. One thing I would say is that my son is not a lads lad, he hates the toxic lad bants but has a small group of loyal more serious sensible friends. Now he's 21 he's a kind, loyal, funny university student who's about to embark on living abroad for the next 12 months
So find a hobby he enjoys and encourage him to be the best he can be.

I was painfully shy as a child, even now I'm not really comfortable speaking to new people. My parents had no idea what to do and thought my shyness was rudeness so they would randomly force me to speak to strangers - "Tell the nice lady which ice cream you want, now." kinda thing. Which made my mind go blank. The terror of everyone staring, waiting for me to speak while my mind raced felt awful and only made it harder each time. Please don't do this.

Martial arts was a massive confidence boost, and it didn't involve much speaking. My first judo class I did a hip throw on a grown man and felt like a tiny badass for the first time ever.

My DD(11) has always been very shy. She was a selective mute at age 3/4 and has always been very quiet ever since. I agree with not forcing them into uncomfortable situations but supporting them. Eg, if an adult ever asked my DC a question I would make sure to be encouraging, but always prepared to answer myself if they didn't want to.

I think it's important to let them know that being quiet or reserved is not a problem, so long as they can communicate information that is needed. I've always felt it important to bring this up whenever teachers have mentioned her quietness or lack of confidence (every year it seems!). It's helpful to have a dialogue with the school. My DD's confidence improved a lot with a teacher who understood that just because my DD was quiet, it didn't mean she didn't want positions of responsibility or to participate in activities. I'm a primary school teacher myself and always look for opportunities to include the quieter children too.

Practically, she did drama lessons from age 5-7 which did seem to help with speaking up a bit louder when needed, although I sent her younger sister too as she wasn't keen to go by herself. I model speaking with others - I was also a shy child but have learned how to manage it in social situations. Also, finding activities that she enjoys and is good at. Importantly, she understands that being shy doesn't necessarily mean you lack all confidence. My DD is quietly-spoken and reserved, but has a good level of inner confidence and higher self-esteem than my other DC who is much more outgoing.

Amazing, thank you all so much. Will definitely look into trying out some hobbies and seeing which one suits him.

I do struggle with differentiating between shyness and confidence I think. I also know that being shy held me back as a child - I never wanted to try new things, hated putting my hand up in class despite knowing the answer and things like that so I don't want him to be held back in the same way. Definitely need to accept him for who he is though and he is a very kind and thoughtful little boy.

@LemonRoses

What is wrong with shy or quiet? Precociousness is much less attractive.

What an odd post. Precocity is not the opposite of ‘shy or quiet’.

Two of ours are quiet and can be shy. Our middle one was quiet to the point of rude, so I’d worry that he was offending friends. We talked through specific examples with that. Eg if we bumped into someone and he didn’t feel able to chat, I told him he could smile, or if someone shouted hello from across the road, he could wave if he couldn’t manage to shout back.
At parties etc I was happy to sit at the side with him until he was ready to join in. He gradually has got much, much better.
I endured some terrible play dates where I had to set up treasure hunts, take them for a walk because they weren’t interacting. These were play dates that they’d both wanted. It got better though.

I think just be gently supportive.

I was that shy child. My mother took it upon herself to make me less shy and "more confident".

It was mortifying. All it did was convince me that there was something wrong with me and that I wasn't meeting her expectations.