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Original poster

Is my friend right? I feel worried about leaving things too late

16 replies

Helooshr · 14/06/2021 11:59

Dating 10 months. I’m 35 in December. Talked about family and marriage, not specifically with a time frame together, but in that we both want these things.

DP has advanced training in his line of work for the next four months. He’s literally maxed out everyday, every weekend. He makes time for us but he is very stressed as he needs to completed this training to take a management role. This will be huge for his career in this industry.

I just want to settle down, move in and have a life and family with him. My best friend has said do not bring all this up now, while he’s so stressed and focused on work. I’ve only in the last few weeks fallen hard for him properly and realised he is the one I want to be with. My instinct is to say all this to him but maybe my friend is right?? Would it be bad timing?

OP posts:

tbtf · 14/06/2021 12:03

You haven't been together long but I guess when you know you know Four months is no time at all so personally I'd support him by letting him focus on his training. And then see where you are and how it's going in October, you could be living together by Christmas which will come round really quickly.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/06/2021 12:04

Of course you should talk to him. You’re on the clock for babies and if this isn’t going where you want it to in the sort of timeframe you want it to you’ll need to cut and run.

Life is full of stress. A training course isn’t a reason not to discuss your relationship. He’s either on the same page as you or he’s not. In 4 months when it’s done it’s not like there’ll never be stress again.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/06/2021 12:06

If he’s the sort of person who says he can’t think about non- work things when work is busy he’s not necessarily the sort of man you want to father your children. Don’t hitch yourself to a work obsessive. As important as his training is it’ll be his wife and family and friends who go to his funeral, not his colleagues.

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GingerAndTheBiscuits · 14/06/2021 12:08

Four months is nothing if you’re hoping to spend the rest of your life with him. Let him get through his training and then broach the future with him. Do it now and you may not get the response you, or he, would hope for.

Themadcatparade · 14/06/2021 12:08

Yeah it’s pretty early in the relationship to ask him to reprioritise wants and needs. I think most people are more likely to
Invest in their career over their relationship this early on, it would be unwise not to.

If you go in there and put more pressure on it, he may/will see it as you not being able to support him with something that seems to
Important to him. I think the best thing to do is support him early on and it will show a bit more promise for solidarity in the relationship. Relationships are for two people to raise each other up, not limit and restrict each other.

Later down the line if he still Chooses his career over settling down and you aren’t in to that and need more then he’s obviously not the right match for you

MiddleParking · 14/06/2021 12:09

Some people have to do work-based training while they actually have kids, so I would give him short shrift if he couldn’t even have a conversation about hypothetical ones because of it. Although to be fair it sounds like it’s just your friend that’s said that, not him? I’d definitely talk to him on the timeframe you would have done so anyway.

backinthebox · 14/06/2021 12:11

4 months is not a long time to ask for no distractions if your DP is on a hugely important to him training course. If you know there is an end point to this training he is doing, why would you not give him the best opportunity to complete the training and then talk to him about life changing stuff? I was on a training course once which was an essential hurdle to being able to progress in my career, and I was unable to process anything outside of work, to the point where I moved out of the home and booked into a hotel just for the duration of the course in order that DH and kids did not distract me unnecessarily. If he is as maxed out as you say, you should be respecting him and supporting him, not throwing him questions about marriage and kids. In 4 months time you can ask him those questions every day. But don’t do it now.

SleepingStandingUp · 14/06/2021 12:11

Have you both said I love you?

I think a conversation about "obv not right now but ..." and ask if he's thought about timescales. How old is he? So a "where do you see yourself when you're 40" kinda thing.

I asked DH on about date 3 or 4. He told me he'd imagined he'd be married with a couple of kids by the time he's 40. I think he forgot he was 38 🤣🤣 so I made a joke about having to years to marry him and bear his children. By 40 I was pregnant with DS1 and we were married.

MoreAloneTime · 14/06/2021 12:12

Is the work thing just temporary or are they always going to be bleeding him dry? If just four months I'd say wait, if it's likely to be indefinite then don't.

backinthebox · 14/06/2021 12:18

To the posters saying he ought to be able to do his training and still discuss other major life decisions, I really don’t think you have been on the sort of training courses that need your full attention. Mine have been in the aviation sector, but I can easily see how someone in medicine, military, and many more roles could be maxed out by a course. We are expected to completely immerse ourselves in our training, and handling of situations which are a matter of life and death (including our own!) which we could be responsible for are studied. Someone calling me to ask about whether I want babies during one of my courses would have been met with the answer ‘yes, but not with you!’ If he’s asked for head space for just 4 months, and you actually want your future to be with this person, I’d be inclined to give it to them. You are not going to make a better case for him spending the rest of his life with you by fucking up his career!

VodkaSlimline · 14/06/2021 12:31

Your friend is right. You don't have forever but a few months won't make a difference. Do what you can to be supportive during his busy time, keep yourself busy too, and see how things go. You'll have a better idea by the end of this year.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 14/06/2021 12:35

@AnneLovesGilbert

Of course you should talk to him. You’re on the clock for babies and if this isn’t going where you want it to in the sort of timeframe you want it to you’ll need to cut and run.

This.Also, FWIW, I was almost 37 when I had DD, but was 35 when we started TTC. Good luck.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 14/06/2021 12:36

@AnneLovesGilbert

This is the more important one of Anne's posts. Raising a child is hard, even with you both on the same page.

backinthebox · 14/06/2021 13:56

Thank goodness my husband didn’t take your advice! Instead he’s supported me through several bouts of brief but intensive training, and I’ve supported him through all-consuming periods at work, because we love and support each other and want to see and help each other grow. We have 2 children together, and each of us occasionally solo-parents when the other needs us to. Work has not stopped us being busy, but it has not stopped us having children either - but there’s a time and place for everything. If he’s maxed out and you NEED to know right now, chances are you are not the right sort of partner for him.

ARoseDowntown · 14/06/2021 14:03

It depends what you’re asking him for. If you want him to start planning a wedding when he’s on this course, then no.

If you want to bring up the topic of moving forward once his course is over, arranging to move in at that time, giving notice on where you’re currently living, basically sorting yourself out so that when he’s free and has time he can be present for you actually moving into his house - then yes. It a few conversations over dinner.

If he can’t handle that sort of conversation while he’s busy at work, take that on board. Some women might be fine with that, some not. Only you know what’s best for you.

MimiSunshine · 14/06/2021 14:54

I raised the subject of moving in with my then boyfriend when we’d been together 10 months.
He paused, clearly thought it through and then said yes.

We both knew that wouldn’t actually be able to happen though for at least another six months due to our circumstances at the time so I think it helped us both to feel like we were on the same page but not rushing into things.

If I were you I think I’d say something like “it’s not a conversation for now as I know you haven’t got the headspace. But, I was thinking, maybe in a few months we could talk about moving in together in the new year.”

Then just leave it with him. When his course finishes, which is no time away, bring it up again and see where the conversation takes you.

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