Am I to blame?

[Lottiesnanny]

My daughters husband died very suddenly four years ago of sepsis leaving her with a young family… It was such a terrible shock And life has changed For everyone.
My daughter has coped wonderfully and I will always be there to help.
I suffer with anxiety and have done all my life but when [name redacted by MNHQ] died it sent that into overdrive and I was later diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder.
I constantly have to check on my children even though they’re all grown up and I have to ring my mum the same time every day to check she’s okay too.
I know it’s over the top and I have counselling in the form of CBT.
My husband who I’ve been married to for seven years told me last night that he’s moving out and all I care about is my children , that he feels neglected and I don’t pay him enough attention.
That is quite difficult when he is a very angry individual and can get quite nasty when he’s had a drink which is 99% of the time.
I admit that I am not very affectionate but that comes with the PTSD I feel quite dead but I am seeking help and he knows that.
He said the day [name redacted by MNHQ] died it was like a switch going off that destroyed our relationship ,because I changed .Now all I care about is making sure my kids are okay and not about him and I’m to blame because I didn’t handle his death very well.
Now I’m sitting here thinking that I am to blame that on top of everything else I’ve ruined our marriage maybe that’s just the anxiety talking and he’s just a selfish arse,

Don’t know in my head which one 🙈advice needed please

[Message from MNHQ - we've edited the name out of your post]

He doesn’t sound like too much of a loss OP

You’re definitely not to blame, it sounds like you’ve had a really hard time

Might be an idea to ask mumsnet to edit your post for the name though, makes you more identifiable

I think you are better off without him, so don’t give it or him another thought.

He doesn't sound very nice. Would you actually miss him? Is there anyone you can have a cry to?

If he's angry and gets worse when he drinks, I think prioritising your children and grandchildren and letting him go is the right choice. Who is there to support you though, do you have any close friends, brothers or sisters?

Let him go.

Maybe with the shock of it all you have come to realise what truly is important in your life hence putting your children first before your husband especially with him having the qualities that you have described there. So rather than being it your fault you are being neglectful because of x,y,z incidents, x,y,z incidents have changed your perspective for the better and shown you what you truly value in your life.

It reminds me of when I was in a horrible relationship when I was younger - I didn’t realise how bad it was for me and my self esteem so I relied on him and clung to a relationship that wasn’t right for me. Then I fell pregnant with my daughter and all of a sudden I became important - I knew what love really was for the first time in my life and I knew I had to break up with him. Difficult time in my life lots of confusion but being out of it and looking back made me realise no one was at ‘fault’ for the relationship break up, it was just my priorities changed and for the better. In your circumstance, you’ve had a huge life wake up call. And it sounds like you don’t want to settle for less anymore.

Hope this helps, it will get better

No you're not to blame, marriage is supposed to be about supporting each other through the hard times, not leaving because we feel neglected when our partner is going through something awful. The drinking and anger don't sound good regardless and you may well find your anxiety improves when he's gone.

Wow thank you , you wonderful people. I need the positivity right now it somehow makes me stronger and more able to come to a decision. Anxiety makes you second guess every thought process 🤦‍♀️
I won’t stop him from moving out because I believe we will all be better off once the dust has settled. No more treading on eggshells would be a huge relief 😮‍💨

you know what? I bet you will recover faster when you have lost the great lump.

He's doing you a huge favour. You will be better without him.

My OH had sepsis about 5 years ago and was close to death. It was a horrendous time. I can completely understand why it is so traumatic for you. I went through years of panicking over minor cuts turning septic.

You should put yourself and your family first and fuck him. A good partner would support you with this, not belittle you.