Self care making me a worse mum, am i alone?

[Takingonthejellybelly]

My children are now at school and I've been really making an effort to give myself time and "self care" so that I'm not just "mum" - my job is intense and very "giving" also.

Except everything I read tells me that self care makes you a better mum, time out is restorative etc.

But I find the more I'm getting out and enjoying life with new hobbies, real down time etc, the less tolerant I'm becoming of the mundane and endless shit show of my kids arguing etc. (I have 2. They appear to despise each other 90% of the time and one is particularly difficult) parenting is straining my marriage (DH v hands on, we share equal house chores etc, although the mental load is 100% me it would be unfair to say anything is particularly out of kilter, he really pulls his weight. We both work.) But honestly we're both sick to death of constantly not being listened to, refereeing etc. Kids are 7 and 11.

I feel like I'm spending a considerable amount of time thinking about the next time I can get away. (I do my hobbies/me time in school hours 95% time)

Why isn't this making me handle home life better?

Am I the only one? I feel quite sad about it.

I love my kids and individually I can enjoy them, but fucking hell this shit is so hard and I'm in a constant state of stress.

Yes me! Opening the door to self care has made me want even more non-child/ family time. Its made me want to rediscover the old me again

Looks like it's just us Wizzy 😬

I know exactly what you mean.

By coincidence I've had the babysitter here recently while I'm actually here too. It wasn't intentional but it's BRILLIANT! It gives me breathing space to make dinner (I loathe cooking, so doing that whilst monitoring the kids is painful!) and just takes the edge off. She is there for some of the incessant questions or endless discussions about skateboarding or football, which again takes the edge off. I am there while they're doing a craft, but I don't have to be in charge of the minutiae, for example. I'm going to try and see if I can set this up a bit more. I enjoy the time much more when someone else is sharing the load and then when they're not there, I'm better at mothering.

I feel guilty about admitting this all, I love my kids more than anything in this world, but I am definitely not cut out for the 101 daily minor things that are essential to do with/for kids. I did not know about this work before having kids, and I'm not sure you can really. I'm great at dealing with emotional issues they may have and comforting or soothing them. I can do that without ever getting exhausted. But the micro-managing of two people's lives is just not my forté!

Can you do separate stuff with each child, so there is less scope for bickering. It's hard to enjoy anything when your kids fight all the time.
Could you find activities to do with each of them that you enjoy doing too?

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

Can you do separate stuff with each child, so there is less scope for bickering. It's hard to enjoy anything when your kids fight all the time. Could you find activities to do with each of them that you enjoy doing too?

We can, and do, but this upsets my husband as he wants us together rather than separating as we already work opposite shift patterns so family time is limited as it is and then it's fucking hideous 80% of time when we do have it

I feel like its destroying my soul a bit. I wouldn't change them for the world and they are great kids but If I'm honest I find myself wondering if I'm cut out for this.

Baby days felt a breeze in comparison. I realise I'm a bit shit once they're over 5/there's more than one.

It’s the same for me, I’ve made a real effort to improve my mental health and well-being overall but the honest answer is my children are the main cause of my stress and nothing will drastically improve while they’re still at each other’s throats every day (real love hate relationships). Today is particularly bad and I’m working out how long realistically it is until they leave home! too bloody long

I’ve fought tooth and nail for them during certain times in their short lives, and I do love them to bits, but my god it’s soul destroying sometimes.

Also I was sat outside a central London cafe earlier and can confirm that bickering children completely dead any kind of chic vibes. So many mental health blogs talk about romanticising your life, a cup of coffee in the shade along with some people watching could theoretically be lovely, but it’s impossible with children as they pull you back down to reality (which has always been a bit shit tbh) constantly

Baby days felt a breeze in comparison. I realise I'm a bit shit once they're over 5/there's more than one.

Yes I realised this a bit too late as well, I think I possibly would have really enjoyed having an only child.

It's difficult. Everyone has this idea of lovely family days but the reality is the kids will fight in car and no one will agree on where to go in the first place. I remember years ago being really happy because my new car had 3 proper separate back seats and I could demarcate each child's space! Mine used to have a thing about their brother encroaching onto their seat, even by an inch!
Maybe short family trips with lots of individual time in between? Or if you go swimming, he takes care of one and you take the other, so together yet apart?

I feel the same. I was feeling guilty too but i'm glad i'm not the only one.

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously your post about separate car seats reminded me of the clear plastic barriers that are in place in self checkouts in supermarkets.
I'm trying to behave more like my husband. Ie, I am a dad, I am also my own person who has downtime as and when

Oh god I feel the same. If I have time apart from the kids, rather than just enjoying it for what it is it just gives me a bittersweet reminder of what my life used to be like and I dread the return to normality. It is so hard to say that out loud.

I thought most people felt like this?! It’s Sunday night and I am buzzed about the nanny arriving in the morning! I am going to take the dog for a walk before work BY MYSELF and then do a day’s work but will have a nice shower, get dressed without a small person ‘helping’ and have lunch in the garden. I love my kids but in small/medium doses! 😂

@UnculturedSwine

Baby days felt a breeze in comparison. I realise I'm a bit shit once they're over 5/there's more than one.

Yes I realised this a bit too late as well, I think I possibly would have really enjoyed having an only child.

The most heartbreaking thing about this realisation for me is that I quite literally nearly killed myself to have a second baby. We went through hell and back and I'm not sure I ever fully recovered (actually I don't thinkyou ever do, it changes you)

So there's this constant twinge of sadness about not enjoying them because it feels like a careful what you wish for situation. They have absolutely broken me. Though maybe I'd have always been broken without him, had it never happened. But atleast I'd be broken in peace and quiet 🤣

Fuuuuuck

Why does it have to be like this.

I think i was happier being oblivious to the fact i still had interests and passions. Damn self care

You need to do things with the kids separately. Divide and conquer. You're making yourselves miserable trying to force something that isn't there.

Or get DH to take them both out for family time while you do your own thing.

I always feel like every time I do something for myself, some random disaster hits as a way of punishing me for daring to put myself first. It's happened too many times now to be coincidence.