Lovely MIL is dying

[confusedofengland]

MIL is only 72. She has vascular dementia & recently had a few episodes of blood pressure going really high. Since the last one, on Thursday, she has not really been moving, eating or drinking. Today they called the doctor round (not before as she was calm & happy & is DNR so wouldn't go to hospital etc) & he has confirmed she has hours or very few days left

PIL live 2.5 hours from us. DH went up there yesterday afternoon. He was going to come back home last night but in the end he stayed & is staying until she goes. FIL & SIL are staying too. He gets upset in spells, but he generally feels relieved that she is not suffering too much & the dementia has not been as drawn out as it might be.

I am finding it incredibly tough. Our 3 DSes know that Nannie is poorly (although not the extent of it) & are playing up a bit (DS2 has autism so not easy anyway), so it's hard on a practical level. I also wish I could be there to support DH, he just phoned me & broke down in tears on the phone & I miss him! We have only been apart a very few nights in 21 years together. Also, I really love MIL, have known her for over 20 years & I am just gutted that she has to go so young. It seems so unfair.

Sorry for rambling, it's a whole jumble of emotions & nobody is around to talk today. I desperately need a reassuring hug from somebody who is not the DC but that's not possible

Oh love that is so sad.

We lost both MIL and FIL to dementia a couple of years ago.

Sending you a virtual hug and

So sorry about your lovely MIL, such a cruel and unfair world sometimes.

I recently lost a parent and my husband did the things I needed the most; he took care of the kids so I didn’t have to worry and he was/is there whenever I’ve needed, not always physically-sometimes on the phone. You sound like you are doing exactly what you need to and I bet your DH is really grateful. Be kind to yourself too.

💐

Sending you a gentle reassuring hug. It's hard isn't it, dealing with the grief of people you love, your own grief and trying to keep everything together for the family. Is there anyone who might be around physically or on the phone a bit later to give you some real life support?

Your mother in law has people with her who love her, and she will be feeling their love. She will have known how much you love her too - how wonderful to have such a close relationship between the two of you.

I wish your mother in law a peaceful and calm end, surrounded by love. And sending you another hug and

How very sad and how awful that you can't be by your husband's side or say goodbye to Mil. I'm so sorry op .

There are people around, mainly friends, who will help with practical stuff, but I can't really ask today as they are having family days today. My parents are just round the corner & had the DC yesterday as I was at work. Then they bought chips & we stayed for dinner but actually it was harder than being on my own as my dad shouted at autistic DS, sent him into a mini-meltdown then went on about how the DC are only ever like that when their parents are there. No hugs from them.

I don't honestly know if I can hold it all together. It's also hard not knowing how long it will be. How long do people usually stay with their relatives after the event? I don't mind in the slightest, but not knowing is really difficult

We saw PIL twice in half term & had lovely days with her. She wouldn't recognise us now & wouldn't be able to tolerate the DC around her at all, so I actually don't feel too bad that we can't say goodbye. Is that awful?

So sorry for you it is a cruel disease I lost both my parents to it, and no its not awful not saying goodbye, we always thought it was better for the DC to remember them as they used to be, not how they became, I know how hard it is, sending you a virtual hug x

I’ve been in this position and it’s so hard. What I did was kept the home, children etc running and others updated on the situation so DH could concentrate on being there for his Mum and family. Get the children to bed on time so you can sit down and have a bit of time to gather your thoughts etc so you are in as good a position as possible.

But to be honest, it’s a waiting game and so so hard. There is no right or wrong and it’s just case of your DH and family playing it how they feel at the time. There will be lots of comforting to be done and also a lot of admin and organisation. Your DH might decide to come home for a bit or take it turns with SIL to be around to help your Dad. Sending lots of hugs.

BusyBee, thank you, it's really helpful to hear from somebody who has been in the same situation. I have been googling but all advice seems to be for the bereaved/grieving relatives or for supporting a grieving partner who is physically with you, neither of which apply here.

He has just messaged to say her breathing has turned shallow but she is still peaceful. I'm holding on to the peaceful part.

support op she’s in the best place and with family. That’s a privilege. No it’s not ‘bad’ to think you’re glad your and the dcs last memories will be of happier times. Hope it goes as peacefully as possible. Support to you le dh.

Youre very welcome. I too had no clue what I was supposed to be doing when I was so very upset myself! Feel free to message me directly if you'd like to x

Sorry to read of this. I'm sure your friends would excuse you calling today and be helpful if they can be.

Thoughts with you OP. I lost my lovely lovely MIL three weeks ago very suddenly so know exactly how you're feeling

I'm so sorry to read this. I hope that when she dies it is peaceful and your dh is able to cope .

I'm so very sorry. I hope the your mil's passing is as peaceful and as gentle as possible. Sending you strength - and a hug.

Shrimping I am sorry for your loss

@confusedofengland I’m so sorry for what you’re going through OP I’ve been the one sitting bedside waiting like your DH is. I had a very very close relative go at 76 with vascular dementia. It’s a terrible disease 😔

Just do what you can to take care of the house and children and let him concentrate on being there for his dear mum as much as you can ❤️ I know that’s not easy when you’re grieving yourself but he’ll appreciate you doing what he can ❤️

My relative passed very peacefully and I wish the same for your dear MIL

Busybee I have sent you a DM - I think! Technology is not my strong point

I'm so sorry Op.

It's a beautiful day and will be again tomorrow. I don't know if that helps, but a comfortable, warm and sunny ending would be my preference.

Has your husband/siblings got anyone else with them to help?

It's not awful that you don't feel bad about not going to say goodbye. Just a shame you can't be closer to your husband.

I'm so sorry op.

So sorry OP, it's a really weird time waiting for someone to die, even when it's kind of the least worst option. It's still not what you'd wish for though. Hugs.

She is gone DH says it was very peaceful & beautiful, surrounded by her husband & DC, just drifting off to sleep. She is at peace now & in terms of how dementia can go, she did pretty well. She was still walking, talking, eating, knowing up to the last few days.

I am devastated, but somehow less upset now that it has happened.