Low contact grandparents and DS mobile phone

[notsurehowtohandlethis2021]

Short version of a very long story is that my ILs were pretty awful to my DH as a child and young person and he's had to have therapy for issues relating to abandonment etc. He had a really rubbish childhood including his DM telling him & siblings regularly that having children had ruined her life. She left often to live with a new man but then came back over and over. There were times when DH was a child (under 10!) that she would say 'don't tell Granny I am going to stay with X as she wouldn't understand' etc. I know all this is true as we have been together since school.

We now have a nice life with DCs and nice house etc and in recent years the ILs have reinvented themselves as doting parents and grandparents who love us all soooo much and want to be involved etc. It's a bit of a headfuck with gaslighting/ rewriting history etc as they now proclaim that having children is the best thing they ever did etc etc.

They are, however, still very negative about life in general/ how awful life has been for them etc etc even though their difficulties have all been a result of their own choices. We hate seeing them but I smile and nod and support my DH as I know that it is his decision about the extent to which we see them and I don't have a right to influence that.

DH copes with it all by keeping them at arm's length: we see them every now and then but it's very much small talk and they are not a close family.

My DS (11) is about to get his first mobile phone and I know they will want the number. I know that at some point he will have to be able to make his own decisions about his relationship with the ILs and I have to accept that, but 11 seems very young for this! I am worried that they will be constantly messaging him and a) getting to him with their negativity and b) building a relationship with him which they will then pull away from as he becomes a teenager and not babyish and cute any more, like they did with their own children. I don't want him to be dumped as my DH was.

All my DHs siblings have decided not to have children despite being happily married and have openly said that this is because their own childhood was so difficult. As such there is a lot of pressure on us and our DC to provide the perfect grandchild experience the ILs now want. There is also no precedent for the type of relationship they expect.

If anyone has had a similar situation: how do you protect your DCs whilst also accepting that you can't be in control of the relationships they have as they grow older?

Thank you!!

When you say you don't see them that often, how often and for how long? If it's just a short visit a few times a year then get your dc to keep the phone away (polite when guests are there) and don't let them know he has a phone. If they do get hold of the number then I'd be clear that all messages will be monitored) not aimed at them specifically just as all messages should be monitored for young kids) so you'll be aware of his conversations

Thanks @Findahouse21 that’s a good strategy. We haven’t seen them much lately due to Covid but normally it’s about every 3 months. I just know they’d love to have a direct line into him so I guess monitoring is the only option.

You could tell them he won’t be using the phone except for to keep in contact with you, because he’s still so young.

It doesn’t have to be true but it’s plausible — plenty of “my first mobile phone” family scenarios work like that.

Similar situation with my parents. I allow contact with my oldest via mobile phone. He is aware that our relationship is strained without details but he knows it causes me pain.

He plays online games with them and WhatsApp with grandad only. I’ve recently found out grandma is whatsapping so I’ve told him he isn’t to reply (she is the major issue) and he accepts that.

It’s really hard because you don’t want to put it on your kids but you will have to explain in an age appropriate way, don’t lie to them or keep secrets.
I feel for your dh, it’s so so hard.

Here is yet another situation where I just cannot understand why you allow a relationship between your children and inlaws. If they were such shit parents they won't have suddenly had personality transplants to allow them to be wonderful grandparents. It's a bit shocking that your Dh's siblings didn't have kids because of their upbringing, yet here you and Dh are wondering how to maintain contact with these pathetic excuses for parents. They do not need to know your child has a phone and they certainly do not need access to him via his phone. You'd do well to cut contact with them altogether so that they don't get to have any influence over your kids, and therefore no chance to fuck them up in the same way they fucked their own kids lives up.

Before you give him it, block their numbers on it.