How do you do it?

[Confusedaboutlots]

On paper I have a good career (senior position in consultancy firm about to be promoted to a salaried partner role) and I’m a mum to one with a helpful husband.

Juniors in my team always ask me how I do it all?!

The issue is I don’t do it all at all! I returned from mat leave a year ago and seem supported at work - being promoted since. But I feel absolutely exhausted - every single hour, every single day and just don’t have enough hours in the day to work, spend time with my daughter, husband, friends, exercise, cook, clean, keep the house tidy, do the 100s of other chores.

I feel like I’m spinning plates everyday and about to drop one or several. My husband feels the same.

The thing is I’m about to step up to said promotion role and we also want to try for a second DC soon but I just don’t know how I will cope.

when I read other threads or speak to my friends, they seem to find it hard but manage - manage at being successful in their careers, successfully spend time with their children, exercise and eat well (including cook well) and some even have insta worthy homes (i really really do not).

I honestly don’t know what I can do to feel more efficient and effective - and less tired in my day to day.

Any tips welcome! I realise no-one is perfect but how do you all do it?

Or am I expecting too much from myself? If I have a good career and am a mum do I need to eat like shit and not exercise?! Is it impossible to do it all?

Any hacks for how I can be more organised and effective welcome please!

I often feel like you OP. I’ve just reached the conclusion that I need to compromise on some things, outsource others, and let go of the guilt if things aren’t perfect.

How old is your DC? Do you have family support?

Outsource some of it.

Do you have a cleaner, for instance? How much time do you need to exercise? Couch to 5k worked for me - you're never out for more than about 30 mins - or a fitness DVD?

Eating well - look at Jamie Oliver, perhaps. He's great for lots of healthy, quick, family friendly meals.

People in well paid senior positions outsource. Hello Fresh instead of shopping and cooking, cleaner every week, laundry service. If you want to exercise, make it quick and efficient - you can do a 30 minute HIIT workout instead of spending 90 minutes travelling to and from the gym and doing an hour long workout. And don't beat yourself up about it.

(Quick food doesn't have to mean shit food. Baby potatoes and fish, prawn stir fry, omelette and salad, minute steak, butterflied chicken- all 15 minute meals, or you can go the slow cooker route.)

Cleaner really essential is you work full time. Also batch cooking helps. Maybe Gardner? Especially when children are young and in your family time you want to chill and do fun things with your children. Just try to pay for as many household chores to be done as possible.

Dc has just turned 2. My parents are local (London) but are terrified of covid despite being double vaccinated. DH has lost his parents and siblings are in scotland.

I am an only child so no siblings to help.

DC is in nursery 9-5 four days a week which is a godsend but i’m still struggling?! Honestly find it harder now than when she was a newborn.

Haven’t had any support or help otherwise since last March and no other help - cleaner etc

Maybe I am just burnt out. But don’t feel like I should be

Just do a week at a time. Bite sized chunks. Nobody gets it right all the time so be kind to yourself. If you have time, read ‘I don’t know how she does it’ - a very real novel which completely validated my knackered-ness. This too shall pass x

As in we don’t have any family help and haven’t had since covid hit

Outsource everything you can, be really clear on your priorities (even getting out for a half hour run pays dividends for reducing stress and sleeping better), lower expectations, spend more time planning time to make maximum use and schedule 'downtime' so you can enjoy being with family without thinking you've got loads to do.

I also find having a routine helps, so I have set times of the day/week where I do certain things around the house e.g. Sunday evening I meal plan and order the food shop for the following week, before bed each night I empty the washing machine and put the next load in ready to be switched on in the morning, 1 hour of tidying on a Sunday morning and then anything not done at that point just has to get left.

I also don’t properly cook anymore mid-week just eat super easy things like salads, quick pasta and pesto meals, things that I can stick in the oven. Not ideal but you just have to compromise on some things. It won’t be forever.

Look at the other women in your life. I don’t know a single woman, not one of my friends, who does it all. Nobody I know works full time, runs the house full time and looks after the kids full time, and has time for the extra things that make up a joyful life. Not possible!

Actually, don’t know why I said women, same for men. Nobody does it all!

Similar situation to you, except I have three DC. The answers in my case have been (a) outsource as much as possible as others have said; (b) have more DC - they really to entertain each other much more as they get older ; (c). Build up a very high tolerance to stress and juggling .

If I am really honest, I am not really sure it's all worth it. Whilst I think I spend a good amount of time with the kids, there is nothing left for me or me and DH. We are both well paid but the cost of childcare and other child related things means my actual take home is less than the most junior member of my team. However, I can't bare to leave the career I built up and we are settled, own a home we love and have friends (but no family) in proximity. Oh and basically I am so busy/ tired, there is simply no mental space left for other options.

Maybe take us through your schedule.

Do you work long hours?

Cleaner is a must, as is shopping delivered. Build the strongest team you can around you both in work and at home (hire reliable people)

I have 90 mins in my work calendar on a Thursday when I go through a number of checklists - some work related (have I done my industry reading/checked my “waiting for a response email folder” checked in with key people etc) and a home one which is (meal plan done, internet shop ordered, checked joint calendar for birthdays/school events, order presents and cards for birthdays/school events)
Read how to be a productivity ninja - amazing book

I imagine you need compartmentalising. I have no DC and a moderately stressful job and ADHD and the way I cope with it is by time chunking. I came to the conclusion I can't be on it at work and on it at home. I have to be on it at work, so home has to be minimalised.

I try and make a home plan e.g. jobs that need doing, for the three months ahead until my next annual leave then stick to a routine.

Sat morning is for phone calls and todos and planning the home week ahead. Before Sat dinner I do online jobs.

Early Sun morning is for planning the work week ahead and batch cooking.

During the week I try and review what I did each day, also always always always have some free unstructured time, and check/plan the next day, do 15 mins housework and some stretches to wind down.

I figured exercise has to be done first thing or it won't happen so 15-30 mins in the morning-spin, weight, HIIT etc.

I don't do it all.

Occasionally I'm on top of things, more times than not I feel utterly overwhelmed.
A lot of the times we are chugging along. then the shit hits the fan and it's back to survival mode.

DH works (mainly from home since last March), I'm a SAHM. we have 7 children aged 19 - 6.
He does so much, way more than me on a good day and takes over on a bad day or I really struggle if he can't.

is that helpful to hear?

You’re in a really difficult period right now. Your child is still very young and you need to do everything for them. I don’t manage absolutely everything, but we’re doing ok mainly because I work part-time and our children are older (8 and 5). You are asking the impossible. There is not enough hours in the day to do everything you want to do. The only solution really is to have lower expectations or pay for more help such as cleaner, gardener etc. It’s gets easier as the kids get old. For example dd (5) is at dance all day on a Saturday so I have time to myself on Saturday mornings while dh takes ds to footie. Dh has time to himself Saturday afternoon.

Well, if it helped when ds was small I didn't exercise apart from walking and going swimming with him. We only saw friends at weekends and as a family. We had a cleaner. Nursery 5 days a week, 8-6 - on a Friday at the time I could finish a bit earlier, but used that time to get my hair cut, go to the dentist/optician or whatever. Ruthless about mental load stuff and other peoples expectations - DH and I agreed that us both working FT in crazy jobs meant that ds came first, then us as a couple, then work, and everything else had to fit round that.
Oh, and reducing standards. Repetitive meals won't kill anyone if they are balanced. Just have lawn in the garden and someone to mow it every two weeks. If you are all out everyday, as long as you throw the plates in the dishwasher before you go out the door and put a load of washing on with a timer so it is ready to take out when you come home, not a lot needs to be done - and if the beds aren't made it won't hurt anyone.

thanks for making me feel better PPs! It’s nice to know that other posters are also but mere mortals.

Tips on here also helping - cleaner for sure, and hello fresh - and actually just being a little easier on myself with exercise and cooking.

Maybe when DC are a little older I can relax a bit more

It's really hard. And most people aren't doing it all and/or are exhausted or ill.

I'm a doctor, coming towards the end of a long specialty training programme. I have two DSs, aged 2&4. My DH lovely but has health problems which mean he is not much help around the house. He takes the boys to nursery but does very little in terms of chores or mental load and often leaves me to it on the weekend (that's for another thread!)

I'm part time, so only work 3 days a week, but those days are at least 10 hours long, with a 1hr+ drive at either end of it. On my non-working weekdays I look after both boys. Sometimes I have to work nights/weekends too. There's also often little extra projects, bits of paperwork etc that I have to keep on top of as well as my usual clinical work. I'm constantly worried that people will think I'm not as committed/good as the full-timers so have to try to keep up with everything - I'll be applying for consultant jobs in about 12-18 months so need to make a good impression!

It's really really hard. My house is so scruffy - I have a cleaner who keeps on top of things, but we just have STUFF that seems to breed! Can't even contemplate thinking about decorating etc as it's too much headspace. I don't exercise at the moment. I do meal plan, so most of our meals on my work nights are quick and simple, get online grocery deliveries and occasionally get Hello Fresh/Gousto for new ideas, but I recycle staple recipes very frequently. I'm always tired but can't switch off for an early night as I'm constantly thinking of things that need doing.

No idea if that helps you OP, but just wanted to say you're not alone!

@ChairOnToast

What’s the point of earning all that money if you can’t spend it on things to make your life easier? You’re clearly earning big money yet you don’t even have a cleaner!

Have you considered what it is that’s driving you to want another promotion if it’s just going to make your life harder? And have you considered job sharing?

agreed - I should get a cleaner

I guess what’s driving me is I like my career and feeling like I’m making something of it - I have always been quite driven in that sense at least - but being a mum has changed me and I do know I don’t want to do it forever

Confusedaboutlots
I feel your pain. We have 4 DC and I work full-time. It is s constant juggle. I have a whiteboard in the kitchen where I list everything for the week, including meals. That way if I'm not there DH can pick it up easily. We have just got a cleaner which. I actually find really stressful as we have to tidy but at least I know everything has been done once per week.
I am also lucky in that my work is only a 20 minute bike ride away so I bike too and from work at least 3 x per week. I also do a 30 minute Hiit every lunchtime. That covers my exercise. Is there any way you could fit something like that into your working day?