Sort of bullying... maybe more toxic behaviour or am I over-reacting

[InkKeepsRunning]

DS10 has recently started playing Fortnite. Plse don’t judge, I held out long enough until it felt appropriate and although that’s the focus of the issue, it could just as easily be basketball skills or something completely different.

All his friends have been playing the game for much longer, and come from more “gaming families” - ie their dads play consoles whereas neither me nor his dad know the front of the console from the back.

DS says that his friends spend the entire school playtime discussing how bad he is at Fortnite, that he’s a noob, that he’s botty, that he can’t shoot straight etc. It also happens on the walk home. I’m sure it’s probably all technically true but obviously not a nice way to behave. I’m sure he’s exaggerating a bit but nevertheless I’m also sure it’s happening.

He doesn’t want me to discuss with the school as he says then he’ll be ostracised, he doesn’t want to play with the other boys in the class as he doesn’t enjoy the games they play. He doesn’t want me to say anything to the kids when I see them. I can’t discuss it with my friends as it is their kids, and if I discuss with them, then I’m doing exactly what he doesn’t want me to do. If it’s relevant he had an issue with another boy on the way home from school and the school were great in sorting out even though it was off premises.

Before the holidays, he said to them “Imagine how long your mums would ban you from Fortnite if I told them what you were doing” - and it stopped for a while, but it has started back up again.

He thinks if he got better at Fortnite, it would all be ok - but of course that’s not how it works... and anyway none of us have the skills to help with that.

Any help or suggestions on what I / we can do to sort it out? Thank you!

Any help anyone please? Do I ignore my son’s wishes and bring it up with the kids / parents? Or put it down to kids being kids and just hope it goes away? It’s been on & off probably since they started back at school after lockdown and it’s upsetting my son a lot but he’s also adamant that I should leave it alone.

The obvious solution would seem to be that he stops playing Fortnite. I'm sure there are many other games/other activities that he would enjoy and be able to do well.

@VodkaSlimline. Thank you for replying.

I did go down that line, but the problem is that that is what his friendship group do / talk about so in doing that he’s effectively leaving his friendship group. I did talk about whether he could spend time with other people instead, but he says he doesn’t enjoy the other boys games so would effectively be on his own at break time. Even if he stopped playing Fortnite but hung around with the same group, they’d still be discussing how bad he was.

I explained that friends shouldn’t make you feel bad, but he says he likes them when they’re not slagging him off.

I think stopping playing Fortnite is the best option.

Just to be clear - he only plays Fortnite for an hour or two a week so physically stopping would not be a problem. However, he enjoys it - and bizarrely it helps him fit in.... even though that “fitting in” has now turned into him being slagged off.

I think you need to help your son solve the problem himself if possible, first he needs to recognise that this behaviour is not the way friends treat each other. I would encourage him to tell the group that he wants them to stop picking on him and if they don't tell them he will leave the group. Then he leaves the group and spends a few breaks on his own. Either his friends will apologise or they won't. If they don't, he will eventually make new friends.

It's tough but it's an important lesson to be ready to walk away from people who treat you like shit, otherwise they will just carry on.

If he can't/won't do that himself then I think you need to involve the school. At 10 I don't think you can let him be responsible for choosing what happens as he possibly isn't mature enough to deal with this alone.

@newnortherner111. Thank you.

Playing devil’s advocate, if they were slagging him off for being rubbish at doing cartwheels and that was what all the girls were doing, or at playing football or whatever..., would your response still be simply for him to stop doing it and sit on his own?

It might be - and that’s fine. I’m not sure whether it would be mine or not.

I considered leaving out the fact that it was Fortnite incase that made a difference to people’s views... but then I thought it was be stupid to do that as it might be relevant. Thank you.

Just to add my son who is 9 had a problem recently where all his friends were playing a game he hated. He was really upset and wanted them to stop playing it. I suggested he took in a hobby from home and did that at break. The first day he did that, another friend joined him in doing it, and I never heard about the game again.

i hate all the toxic gamer culture, and fortnite is particularly bad for it.
I would tell your son that he can either play it because he enjoys it, or not play it, but if all the people that are playing it are being awful and insulting him, then it doesnt sound like much fun.

My 14 year old plays it, but ive bannned it for periods of time more than once as it is an absolute shitshow of toxic teenage masculinity

My self and my oh are gamers and honestly this kind of slagging is common. I mean he has only started playing , so technically he is a noob and no doubt he probably isn't yet used to the game. Could he play a couple of times by himself to try and get a bit better.

You are the adult. You need to contact the school, despite what he says.

I think it is relevant that it's Fortnite because of the aggressive, addictive, competitive nature of the game. It clearly isn't bringing out the best in his friends which is hardly surprising given that they're all far too young for it. They sound like bullies - don't let your DS be the kid who hangs around with the "cool group" but pays the price for it by being the butt of their jokes. Teach him to see that for what it is.

e problem is that that is what his friendship group do

But the other problem is that his friendship group are not being very nice to him.

Stopping the game would solve things all round. Maybe he needs a bit of support to find a bed interest.

Contact school, the name calling is happening in the school playground. If he feels this will make it worse then the school should be told again of any subsequent escalation and the behaviour should be dealt with very firmly. I volunteer in a primary. This sort of behaviour is "normal" but the school shuts it down fast, but first they need to know it is happening.

This is also the start of the this isn't how friends treat each other lesson for your son. You need to talk to him about recognising this behaviour and that it isn't about him, it is about them and how they feel about themselves. If they felt good about themselves they wouldn't need to try to feel better than someone else.

In the school I am in we encourage only commenting on someone else's appearance/work/belongings only if it is positive. No negative allowed.

My eldest isn't quite old enough yet to be playing fortnite, (but I know some of his friendship group play already). I totally understand your dilemma though, as there is a huge desire for kids to be doing what others do, but then if they aren't doing it as much they are likely to not be as good.
I think tbh that I wouldn't necessarily stop him playing it if he is being responsible with it, but I would speak to the school about the bullying. And id speak to your DS about how real friends don't put each other down and the should support each other, and if they aren't doing that, he will find better friends elsewhere x

In this situation I would let him play fortnite on his own for a while so he can practice and learn to like it. After a while let him try online playing with the children from school again and if it happens again I just wouldn't let him play them online again.

Thank you all. I did have a feeling that Fortnite / gaming was relevant and so glad I did mention.

I think getting better at the game is not the answer as in my heart I don’t think it will stop it - and secondly sadly I’m not entirely confident that DS wouldn’t just join in or stay quiet if the target moved on to someone else.

He does have many other interests so that bit is not a problem. I did suggest that he explained to them that he wasn’t hanging around them and why. I totally agree if they just accept it - then they are not proper friends. I think I will push this again.

We have a busy weekend - so he will be off the game this weekend, isn’t allowed during the week anyway - so maybe I’ll hang back until next week and see how it goes.

I’m also worried that in pushing it too much with him, he’ll stop talking to me about it and keep it to himself - so I will have to walk gently. What’s super frustrating is that I know if I mention to the parents, at least 4/5 would come down on it like a tonne of bricks... but that might make things worse.

Thanks again all.

Thanks again.

In an ideal world you would tell the school and let them deal with it and I do think you could speak to school ask them to do a class piece on internet safety and gaming. You could ask them to explain how bullying can happen online and will be taken just as seriously as bullying in school and if the two cross over it becomes a school matter. Nothing directly about your son but if they are decent kids it might sink in. Secondly it's not long till the end of the year why dont you tell him to leave it for now and practise loads over the 6 weeks holiday go back in September with a fresh view on it and loads of practise behind him. Also discuss with him what he thinks is harder to have the kids ripping his capabilities or to be left out of the conversation as he doesn't play. He is old enough to have say to a point. I have a 9yr old who plays in the same room as me after school when I am working. Every now and again I hear his language turn somewhat unkind. Dont be a noob your rubbish at that ect. If I hear it he comes off and loses his time for the next day. A lot of it is parenting too so if the parents are good enough friends you could raise with them. If their kids do it in their bedrooms they might not be hearing it.

There is a way to set the system so he shows as offline to friends but can actually still be on and play. Its hard work and I insist that mine does karate Gymnastics swimming and has time with us as a family then he gets fornite time as a reward. He is starting to get bored of it actually and has been playing Apex instead with a couple of friends so it's probably a phase that will pass as they all do. I always try to instill into mine that people should not be able to hurt you feelings and to speak up and at the same time to try and not care what other people think. Easier said than done I know.

OP, I think you and the other posters on this thread are all wonderful parents for caring and trying to help.

I have similar issues. Mine play far too much and I hate it (luckily they never liked fortnite). Can you see if he can play something less ‘toxic’, like minecraft.