Withdrawing from a friendship group...but they're coming to my wedding reception

[BrimfulOfBaba]

I'm fully prepared to get a dressing down here for being pathetic, but I need outsider opinions. I don't wish to be petty, only to protect myself from anxiety.

I moved to a new city 2 years ago and joined a meetup group in order to start making friends. I met a group of women and it's been a nice casual friendship. We have a WhatsApp group and have met up for meals/walks etc. That has petered out since lockdown.

There are cliques within the group and there are other WhatsApp groups that I (and maybe a couple of the others) aren't part of - which of course is completely understandable! There will always be some who connect more with others. I can't help that I do feel a bit sad about it - I have really tried to form bonds and although I don't feel actively disliked, it is a bit disheartening that none of them initiate wanting to spend time with me. I have initiated things which are mostly taken up.

I've tried not to be off-puttingly keen, I ask questions, I share a lot of values with these women, but perhaps we just don't have enough in common. I have been making other friends outside of this group where they seem a lot more enthusiastic about keeping up with me so I feel a bit more reassured that it's not just that I'm horrible/annoying.

The problem is, I really want to leave the WhatsApp group because it's almost a reminder of how little I mean to a group that I would really like engage with. However, almost all of them RSVP'd yes to come to my wedding reception which is in a month - I invited them almost a year ago when we felt closer (I had to reschedule my wedding due to corona).

I want to emphasise, I don't want to leave the group in the hopes they will contact me. if I could leave without anyone being notified, I would. But I don't want to make anyone feel awkward re: whether or not they should show up to my wedding...or for me to wonder whether I should bother adjusting the catering. Should I wait it out, and then leave? Or should I just not leave and make myself stop contributing?

I’d archive the group for now (you still get notified of new messages) and only interact if they speak to you directly. Then, once the wedding is done just leave the group. I did a similar thing with a group earlier this year; just left the group quietly and didn’t say anything; a couple of members messaged me to make sure I was ok and I just replied that I felt my time in the group us run it’s course and wasn’t trying to draw any attention to my departure and they seemed ok with it. To be fair, 6 months on, I don’t even miss the group so it was the right decision for me

Can you tell them your wedding has been cancelled again, leave the group, delete them from your social media, and then just go ahead with the wedding without them?

I'm sure they feel the same and don't want to come to the wedding anyway but social conditioning means they won't want to cancel on you at this late stage. You are stuck in a Mexican stand off.

It's silly to have people you're not even close to at your wedding. No hard feelings just let them go to find other friendships.

I wouldn't want them coming and getting pissed on my money when they don't have the courtesy to be friends.

I'd post in the WhatsApp group that you've had to postpone again and will be in touch. Then in a week or so just leave the group.

They may not come anyway if it was a year ago that they agreed to come. I would just leave the group and be honest about it if any of them contact you directly.

I'd cancel the invite to the wedding, they can't really expect to go to the wedding of someone they are not particularly close to. It's really expensive to host people at a wedding and I don't think they would be offended if you wrote to tell them the wedding plans had been changed. You could say due to financial reasons you are slimming down the guestlist or due to covid to try and minimise the amount of people etc. They may be looking for an excuse to get out of the invite anyway.
Then just duck out of the whatapps sometime later.

I would just post less and let it run its course, how many of them are there and are they daytime or evening guests?

Tricky one! They don't sound like completely terrible people, but not your tribe and I think it is understandable you want to step back and focus on other friendships.

Personally, I'd be tempted to send a breezy message along the lines of:

"Hi ladies - as you know my wedding is (fingers crossed!) finally happening next month. When I sent the original invitations I know several of you rsvp-ed with a yes, and it will be so lovely to see you again! But given what a crazy year it has been I just wanted to say now that I really do completely understand if you can no longer make it - if you could let me know either way I'd really appreciated it, as we are making our final arrangements. Love to you all!"

That way you are giving an easy no-drama get-out to people who have forgotten or no longer feeling enthusiastic, while leaving the option open for any of the group who do genuinely want to see you.

Just a thought!

(that is of course assuming that you would be happy with some/all of the group actually coming in those circumstances - if you actively don't want them to come then unfortunately I think you will need to be more direct)

Uninviting them and leaving the group would really burn bridges so you need to be sure that you don't want anything more to do with them. It may not be that you don't mean anything to them but they have other priorities which sadly don't include you. It's hard not to take these things personally but as you say, you have other friends and you seem like a nice person.

If you have other people who you'd rather invite and/or it will save you money, do dis-invite them. However, if the answers to both are no and you don't dislike them, I'd still invite them to the wedding and reduce contact thereafter.

You only moved 2 yrs ago and in that timeframe so much has happened. Over one year of pandemic has affected so many people in a huge number of different ways. Try to be understanding.

I think perhaps you're being a bit harsh? You describe "cliques" but that should be expected when you're the new person to the area.

I'm on the side of thinking if you just had them at the wedding, stayed in the group, give it more time, chill out about it a bit, you might feel more positive about it all.

Just write in the watsapp group "thanks for the RSVPs but the wedding is not going ahead as originally planned. I'll be out of the watsapp group but you can get me on my mobile if arranging a wee catch up at some stage :-)"

And then leave the group and forget all about them

I’m with GNCQ.

@cheeseismydownfall’s suggestion is spot on. You may have to accept they will want to come anyway for a free night out so if you don’t want them to come at all, just tell them it’s been slimmed down and you have to withdraw your invite - bloody Covid
Then mute the group and leave in a few months. Or just mute it forever if you’re not brave enough to leave!

[quote SandysMam]@cheeseismydownfall’s suggestion is spot on. You may have to accept they will want to come anyway for a free night out so if you don’t want them to come at all, just tell them it’s been slimmed down and you have to withdraw your invite - bloody Covid
Then mute the group and leave in a few months. Or just mute it forever if you’re not brave enough to leave![/quote]
This.

Thank you, some really helpful advice. @cheeseismydownfall I really like that text, I may use something like that.

I really don't mean to be harsh, I think they are wonderful women, that's why I'd like to be friends with them - it just makes me wonder what it is about me that they don't seem to feel similarly about. It is a new group in that everyone met at roughly the same time, but I am the youngest by a few years and also couldn't go on a group trip recently, and they all probably bonded more then.

I think I will keepn the invite but give them an 'out' in case they'd like to take it. I do understand I would be wining and dining them on my dime but that's the decision I made when we felt close so I'll honour that. Maybe post lockdowns there'll be opportunities to develop stronger friendships but in the meantime I will stop trying to chase that.

On the flipside I just had a nice meal out with a work friend so I'm not feeling like too much of a pariah!

Can you not say numbers are restricted due to pandemic and you’re having to cut them out of the wedding for family only. Apologise profusely and say we can have a night out when this is all over. Mute the group permanently so you don’t have to get pings from the chat and then leave when you’ve not participated in a long time?