Tips for living with autistic partner

[Atruingga]

My DP is autistic. Since we moved in recently things have been hard. I love him so much. I don’t want to end the relationship. I just need some help to manage my own emotions when he seems to close down.

The main issue is where there is any sort of change. He said to me he needs time for it to ‘settle’ in his mind. I don’t understand how you can need to time to settle things like joining a new gym or taking up a new hobby. The hurtful things though are in relation to me and him...he wants time to think about whether we go on a proper holiday. Like it needs proper consideration. He will even say randomly oh we won’t be on holiday for a while. Like he is warning me off or something. He doesn’t like any change to the house at all, I hung out washing in a different way and it clearly bothered him hugely.

I want to be better for him. Can anyone help?

I often wonder if I’m autistic.

I literally cannot tolerate change.

I remember once having to move desks at work and I was unsettled for weeks, I hated it.

I’m the same if plans change / my routine changes.

So from that aspect I understand how your DP could feel.

Have you approached him about it?

Do you think he could maybe be anxious about a holiday or a gym etc?

I'm autistic. I can cope with change as long as I get warning and time to process in advance. Holidays are scary because everything is so unfamiliar. Give him processing time, be very clear in what you're asking/ saying, don't move his stuff and you should be okay.

Gosh, your DP sounds just like me! As far as I am aware I'm definitely not autistic though, I just need plenty of notice of when anything different is happening.
And I'm very particular about how the washing is hung out to dry. The pegs have to be matching colours on each row, or each quadrant, of the rotary line, for instance. I organise it that way without really thinking about it. If DH does it "wrong" I sneak out and change it.