How do you become more optimistic when your life is a massive shit show?

[TedDansononmyown]

Life has been extremely difficult for the last seven years. It's been one thing after the other and I'm absolutely broken by it all. Life is, quite honestly, relentlessly shit. I'm not talking small disappointments either, rather 7 years of constantly big, life-altering issues.

I've held it together and just carried on but a side effect of all of this is I'm now deeply pesssemistic. I instantly jump to the negative of any given situation and my partner has had enough.

I didn't use to be like this. I've always been a worrier but I could have fun. Now, even the nice things - which are few and far between-are hard to enjoy because I fixate on what could go wrong etc.

I'm not depressed but I'm certainly not happy. I can get up and function but there's a constant panic about 'what's next'.

I know it's circumstantial but I've been waiting for it to get better and it just never does. I don't see how I can be positive when everything is constantly falling apart. I kept thinking there would be some let up at some point where I could 'reboot' but it's just never come and Ive bounced from one crisis to another. Well, I'm sort of limping between them now as I'm so tired of it all.

I don't want to be like this. My lovely partner is ground down and I don't want it to affect DD. I need to change but don't know how.

Has anyone been here and can offer advice?

I dont know how you change but somehow you do.

I've been in your shoes, I probably am still there, where every bit of shit just still keeps flying at you and nothing you can do will fix the situations. Everything is out of your control.

We've had most of it here, major illness, job loss due to disability caused by illness, financial ruin caused by disability, then having a disabled child.
Then lots of other major/minor crisis that added up too.

Then noticing that friendships really fell away because I no longer had the money or the energy to contribute. Or I was hiding away from friends and ruining relationships because I was ashamed I wasn't the person I used to be.

Every special occasion or date in the diary, holiday, babysitter arranged or dinner booked was cancelled because of a medical emergency or a hospital stay until gradually we just stopped making plans at all and stayed at home. And our world became even smaller.

I went to the GP crying disappointed tears and was sent to CBT counselling. And spent 8 sessions feeling totally unheard as the Psychologist tried to tell me I was depressed, when I wasn't I was bitter and angry. My mother and DH have depression and I know how it can affect people. I knew I wasn't depressed. I was angry at my life being taken from me and that every small chance I tried at stealing it back was taken away again.

So, eventually I started to see each set back as one individual event, and not another load on the pile. And to try not to "pre plan for the next emergency" therefore putting my actual life on hold.

My mantra now is.... shit happens, move on.

So it's still the same, but my outlook has changed. I will book the dinners, they may be cancelled but maybe one will happen. I will book refundable holidays close to home.
I've reconnected with friends and explained about my 8 years living in a hole of self destructive anger and its been great to reconnect.

Worrying about tomorrow only uses up our energy we can't change the outcome.

It's a very hard road and I wasted so much of my life being so angry when I had enough to deal with, I could have been so much kinder to myself. And I think you should be too.

Sorry if this is a bit waffling, DH and I went out for a lunch yesterday, it was planned and we made it! and we were trying to put the past years into words and then I saw your post today, I hope you and your DH get a wonderful lunch soon

Find a hobby you love, book something that you can look forward to (a lot of places ie National Trust properties, stately homes etc do Christmas light trails which are lovely and some have tickets on sale now if it interests), grow something, buy a book you've always wanted to read (that's a happy/positive story!) or find one, find a yummy recipe to make, plan some nice (simple) things to do with your dd. Start making your own little positives, accept that some might not work out but that others will - just because one plant doesn't grow doesn't mean you can't grow anything.

I hear you. We've had ill health, disability, near divorce, career changes, very unwell parents, financially crippling legal issues over the last 6 years. We just cannot seem to catch a break.

I paid a ton of money for psychotherapy which helped with the anger and bitterness. I've reduced my expectations to near zero. I do look around at friends and think WTF did I do to deserve this but am managing to move on.

I've just started anti depressants as struggling to cope with chronic stress and anxiety and these are working well.

I hope that something good happens for you, OP.

This is a useful tool for challenging negative thoughts;

www.psychologytools.com/self-help/thought-records/

How are you feeling today @TedDansononmyown? Do you want to chat to us about what's been happening?

Exercise every day or at least four days a week.

Life altering. I say that as someone who's had years of shit to plough through.

Exercise is the best possible medicine for a tricky life.

I'm just trying to get on with things. It's just a constant slog from crisis to crisis.

I'm pulled every which way and I'm really tired of it. I'm really trying not to fall apart but balancing so much is just really difficult.

I don't need anything hugely amazing to happen either. I yearn for a year-or even just a few months-where nothing bad happened. A few months of simple nothingness would do me just fine. It's awfully sad that I've got to the point where my hopes for the future are this low.

I'm just very, very tired. I try to exercise but trying to find the time and motivation is very hard. I will though. I have to do something about my diet and its as good a time as any to build in a little exercise each day.

I'm sorry to everyone else who is in this position. It's a really lonely place to be.

TedDanson do you have anyone to regularly talk to about what's happening? I found it really helpful to have therapy in part to just offload my distress onto someone who wasn't a friend or family member. It helped me to re-set my identity a bit, since I wasn't then always the one whinging or unhappy when meeting up with friends. Peer counselling is a great option if financing private therapy is difficult. Or you can vent here?

You're right it is so lonely, I've never felt more lonely in my life than when everything was going so wrong. I often felt that I was living in a different universe entirely from my friends and family. I just want you to know that there are other people out there that actually do understand.

Thanks. I think therapy is probably a good idea but I'm financially unable to take it on at the moment. I have a huge amount of debt due to covering costs of everything that goes wrong. I may look into it via GP.
I know I have to do something. I grew up with a very anxious mother who I love dearly but, as I've got older, it's clear that I've taken on these habits and it doesn't make me happy. I know I can't control what is happening externally, but I can control my reaction however I've never learned to do this. I'm desperate to avoid this pattern for DD.

TedDansononmyown 💐 for you. I completely understand how you’re feeling. I’ve had around 25 years of illness, money worries, bereavements, disabled DCs and it’s utterly exhausting. I’m so sorry that you’re going through it. I try to just deal with the next hour or day, so it doesn’t feel so overwhelming but it’s not always possible. My anxiety is sky high a lot of the time. I’m taking antidepressants but they’re not doing much, can’t afford private therapy and the GP just says how hard it is for me. Sometimes even just sharing your worries or thoughts on here is helpful. It’s good that you’ve done that and you’re getting messages of support. You’re in my thoughts. Take care.

@TedDansononmyown - I really recommend you read Kain Ramsay's Responsibility Rebellion. It's no nonsense and full of understanding and practical advice for improving the way you approach life.

“When Things Fall Apart” by Pema Chodron, offers great advice for dealing with life’s shit. It’s very down to Earth and relatable.