How would you deal with this?

[CharcoalFingers]

Can I please have some perspective on this situation and how you would all deal with it?

16yo DD recently finished school. We’ve always had a good relationship, never really fallen out. We’ve always spent a lot of time together and she’s a real home girl, she barely goes out and just enjoys staying home. She’ll go to the cinema every now and then with her friends but is normally more happy to stay in. She’s really popular and one of the “cool kids” (sorry that’s an awful term but just trying to give you an idea of what she’s like).

I never look at her phone anymore, I haven’t since she’s been 16 but I do pay the bill.

She’s always FaceTiming and I tell her from about 10pm to be quiet (small house, younger siblings asleep).

Anyway, yesterday we were going out, she wasn’t getting ready so I went into her room (knocked first) and she was on FT, told her to get off it and get ready. She threw her phone under her pillow and said it was just her friend (I didn’t even ask). I told her to give me her phone as she was acting so suspicious, but she got really agitated. I took the phone and told her to get ready. I had a quick look through her phone and she was on call to a boy who appears to be her boyfriend. No biggy but disappointed she didn’t tell me about him. I then noticed photos where she’s in her room with him, and his room too. I’ll spare you the details but they weren’t playing chess.

She started shouting at me about privacy and for the first time ever was getting angry and shoving me to get the phone.

We were getting late to go out so I gave her the phone and said we’ll talk tomorrow.

I’m upset that she lied to me and went behind my back, and that she brought someone into the house without telling me. She’s also not on the pill.

My perception of this is totally skewed as I had her when I was 17, and I do not want history repeating itself.

I’m actually gutted, I’ve always prided myself on our relationship and how well we get on and I feel like she’s thrown it in my face a bit

I won’t over react with her, I’ll stay on a level ground but I want her to know it’s not ok to go behind my back and to bring people into the house, and lie to me.

Any words of wisdom?

There's a couple of things here I think. The main one is you need to respect your daughter and her privacy. She's 16 and starting to explore intimate relationships. You need to treat her like an adult for her to behave like one.

However, I am also a firm believer in your house - your rules. Explain why they're in place and the consequences of them not being abided by.

Finally talk openly (and really openly) about your concerns with her. I had my first child very young (she's an adult now) and whilst I love her to absolute bits, I've continuously explained why it wasn't the best idea, detailed the very real challenges I had and why I'd recommend a slightly different path for her. I've always felt that she'd never listened to me, but sometimes when we talk now I know that it all sank in!

At the end of the day you need to trust that you raised them right

I would make it clear to her that it’s the sneaking around that you aren’t happy with not the act itself.

Yak to her about safe sex and consent and make sure she has a form of contraception. She’s 16 and 16 year olds have sex, it’s hard to accept as a parent but it happens.

Also try not to feel like she’s thrown your relationship in your face by sneaking around. I had my dd1 (also 16) at 19 and have always prided myself on being an in touch understanding parent that she could go to. But she’ll sneak around from time to time abs we as their parents have to set them right.

Thank you. Yes I totally get the being 16 thing, although she’s really immature for her age which is why I think this has shocked me! But I understand that and do respect her privacy, but also like you say my house, my rules. I think there’s a fine line.

Yes I think we’ll have a very frank and open discussion tonight, I’ve already said to her about life choices etc and whilst I don’t want her thinking she was a mistake, having her has certainly turned my life upside down and I never really started a career and will never own a house etc.

Thank you

Why is parenting so fucking hard!!

Yes I’ll make sure she knows it’s the sneaking around I’m more bothered with than anything else.

Thank you. It’s hard to let go sometimes but I do accept it will happen.

I don't think you should have picked her phone up and gone through it , my dd is a bit older now but she would have been absolutely fuming at that . With regard to her having a bf that's quite normal at 16 but I understand that you would be worried with regard to sex( I had my oldest son when I was barely 19) I would have a frank chat about contraception and arrange a drs appointment for her , which you do not have to attend if she doesn't want you to.

My biggest concern would be that there are photos of her not playing chess. This generation of children have had that drummed into them for years and years. How are they still not getting it???

I'd talk to her, on a drive is always a good place, and tell her you are upset and confused that she didn't tell you that she had a boyfriend. Ask her about him and try to be interested and positive. Try to explain that you panicked yesterday as you knew something was not right and that there isn't a need to hide perfect normal things from you. You love her and you are interested in her and her life.

Remind her that it's never a good idea to produce photos or messages that she wouldn't want you or her head teacher or the world to see.

My story that I used on my teens is that of the wife of the teacher Jeremy Forreter who ran off with that girl to France. His wife hadn't a clue about any of it but because the newspapers couldn't write about the girl as she was the victim and a child they dug up all this stuff about his wife.

She had written a wedding blog years before all of this had happened and all of her wedding photos and other details from this blog, which probably only a hundred people had read before that were on the pages of the newspaper.

I got secretive with my mother when I started having boyfriends. It is part if growing up to not want to share everything with you - she is learning to be independent.
So I wouldn't go so much in the 'I want to know everything about you'. It really is not your business. Of course, you want to protect her and I'm sure you have taught her good values and self respect, and reminding her of those is a good idea. But let her have her own life, separate to yours.

I went to an excellent seminar about technology assisted sexually harmful behaviour which covered young people taking and sharing intimate photos which placed the issue in the context of teenage development. I’m not at all saying you shouldn’t be concerned, of course you should, but so much of young people’s lives are lived on-line they presenter (who is an expert in this area) explored that culturally young people do it as part of their development in relationships. They suggested focusing on healthy relationships which include privacy and dignity rather than responding in a punitive way (removing access etc). It might be worth helping her to think about what the consequences of her boyfriend sharing the pics might be, exploring porn culture with her and helping her set boundaries for herself around what’s ok or not for her in relationships.

She hasn’t thrown your relationship in your face, she’s growing up and wants privacy in her private life. That’s ok but she needs to know that if things get out of hand she can rely on you to have her back. Check what they're doing for contraception and set ground rules for your home. Talking while on a drive is a good idea because she doesn’t need to look at you while she’s talking so it’s less intense.

I’d explain you want her to know she can come to you and that you’d have wanted to support her in her relationship but you also get that she’d want privacy. Unless you have reason to think the relationship is abusive in which case I’d be much stronger in my response.

You’ve had a big shock, so go easy on yourself.

The thing is as you are well aware it happens. It's at the age where they're exploring more shall we say.

As long as she is aware you're there for her to talk to and she knows about safe sex. I probably wouldn't take it much further than that at the moment.

I'd be so embarrassed if my mum went through my phone.

I’d be more worried about the photos getting in the wrong hands.

The problem is that by keeping all this a secret she's putting herself at risk. What if it had gone badly in her room? She wouldn't feel able to tell you because you weren't told he was there in the first place.

Sorry I’m at work so a quick reply.

I think that was my main concern Hollow, I just couldn’t put my finger on what it was.

It’s the first time I’ve touched her phone since she was 16, but I’ve always said to her as long as I pay the bill I can go through it if I feel I need to. Which I think is reasonable. But like I said, I haven’t even touched it until now.

I’ll speak to her tonight and have taken everything into account that you’ve all said. Thank you.

Who took the photos of them not playing chess?

Just because you pay her bill, doesn’t give you the right to check her phone. She’s 16, you should not be checking it at all, even when she chucked it under her pillow. It’s her phone, it’s her private life. All you can do is talk to her openly about things. She’s an adult and whether you like it or not, you need to leave her be, to have her own private life, make her own mistakes and to learn from them.

She's not fully an adult yet, indeed if said photos were to be sent to others that's a crime as the 2 people in the pictures are under age.

Of course op needs to protect her child.

And yes if she is paying the bill she has a right to know what it's being used for especially it that is potentially criminal activity that may well harm her child.

Your dd has a right to some privacy op but she also has responsibilities to ensure she and the boyfriend are safe and not exploited or harmed in any way.

Contraception, safer sex and consent are important issues too but to be quite honest I'd have expected you to have discussed those with her some years ago as usually by 14/15/16 it can be too late.

Talk to her tonight in as non confrontational a way as possible, focusing on the law, her safety and privacy and protection from the consequences of her actions

Revenge porn is very real and can't be stopped once the ball is rolling.

16 is an adult in some areas. At 16 she can have sex, buy cigarettes, leave home, be entitled to a private life …
Distributing indecent images of any age, even over 18 is a criminal offence.
Paying the bill does not entitle OP to look through the phone. It really doesn’t.

I think you need to approach her and firstly apologise for not respecting her privacy. Yes I get "my house my rules" to an extent but that attitude isn't going to encourage an open dialogue and you were in the wrong to look at her phone. From what youve said she wasn't distributing these photos, and they weren't for yours or anyone else's eyes.

Once shes (hopefully) forgiven you and understands that you panicked and accept you were in the wrong, then you can start on the rest.

She may well be being sensible about protection. But if you have any concerns whatsoever then suggest the implant for her. She may not be an adult but she is over the age of consent and doesn't need your permission to have sex.

What I'm hearing is that you had this wonderful relationship all the time she was fitting in to your idea of what she should be and now things are different (she's growing up) shes pulling away, as they naturally do, and this has come as a shock to you.

I do understand, I've been there, but it's your problem, not hers

What I'm hearing is that you had this wonderful relationship all the time she was fitting in to your idea of what she should be and now things are different (she's growing up) shes pulling away, as they naturally do, and this has come as a shock to you

This could not be further from the truth . What a silly thing to assume. I can only assume you’re one of “those” parents who let their children roam the streets at all hours. That’s how it comes across to me.

They were selfie photos, not full nude but not decent either.

And yes of course I’ve been talking to her about consent/sex/contraception etc. I have done for a while.

I don’t quite think placing the blame on my parenting is fair here. And yes, I do have the right to look through her phone if I think something is going on. The last time I looked at her phone she was 14, and the time before that was when she was 10/11/12 and she was learning about what’s socially acceptable with having a phone etc. Of course she has right to privacy, I’ve never said she didn’t. It’s not like I’m checking it every night. Thank god I did check it so I can talk to her about it.

And I only looked at a few photos, I didn’t go through any messages or social media. It was literally a scroll up the photos, it took less than 30 seconds. I wasn’t sat there for hours on end scrolling through and going through everything

I will talk to her later, calmly and just explain the dangers etc.

Looking at the phone of a 10-14 year old is very different to a 16 year old. You could have had a conversation with her before looking and for all you know she may have told you without the embarrassment of knowing her mum has seen her private and personal photos.

I think you need to accept that you lost control for a moment and acted badly. That kind of humility will put you in a much stronger position.

We all do it. I've had to apologise a few times for acting on impulse and not getting it right.

I didn't say I was right about my assumption. I just said that's what I was hearing from what you'd said

I didn't think you hadn't talked about contraception. I was just saying that it might be worth considering the implant as you said pregnancy was something you're worried about.

Honestly I think if my 16 year old reacted like that while on her phone, I’d be having a look too - privacy is important but so is supporting young people in becoming an adult. I don’t think I’d be stepping back completely because someone reaches 16 particularly given the risks attached to early sexual behaviours.

I didn’t lose control, all I did was look at her photos, I didn’t actually expect to find anything so that’s what shocked me.

I always apologise if I’m in the wrong, I have no problem apologising when it’s needed, we all make mistakes. But I won’t apologise for looking at her phone for less than 30 seconds. I didn’t act badly

If I was looking at my husbands phone and found out he was cheating, and people said I was needed to apologise for looking at his phone, that would be victim blaming. I know it’s different but it’s the same concept.

No you didn’t, but another poster did.

Thank you Jelly. That’s how I see it too. And I still won’t step back just because she’s 16
on paper. She’s an immature 16, she didn’t suddenly grow up overnight on her birthday and develop a world of wisdom.

Imagine if she did that and someone was grooming her. But I didn’t follow my gut instinct and look at her phone just because she was 16.

No you don't have to step back at all, keep trying to keep her safe and talk to and guiding her. But you do need to realise she has agency over her own body and sexuality and she doesn't actually have to tell you anything.

It's in her best interest to tell you that she has a boyfriend and that things are progressing sexually but you need to coax that out of her so she's doing it because she wants to. I don't think you can demand it or just take it by looking at her private photos. You be also now seen another person's (the bf) private sexual pictures too so you've taken his privacy away when he trusted that they were safe on his gf's phone.

In a relationship you make a commitment not to cheat so the example of looking at your partner's phone is different. Your daughter hasn't actually done you any wrong, she's just shocked and disappointed you because you thought your relationship was one thing and it's another.

You did ask for wisdom and having been there, done that, you will have a higher chance of getting her to open up to you and trust you with this if you apologise for not respecting her privacy and move on from there.

She's probably mortified that you've seen her in those kinds of photos so it'll take a while for that to subside before she can start to open up.

I do feel for you. It's fucking devastating when you realise your kids have a whole life you know nothing about.