The sadness of your life not turning out the way you'd hoped... does it go away?

[AngelsRollTheirEyes]

I turn 30 in July and there are some things I'm proud of. I have a good education, I have a lovely home and I have settled into a life I like.

I've never had a boyfriend though, or even kissed anyone. I feel so lonely and like such a reject. I really do. I have tried OLD and I have come to the conclusion that it's not for me. I hate everything about it and it just wrecks the confidence that I have. Unfortunately I don't meet men IRL because my hobbies and job are both female dominated, so I do feel like I have given up in some way.

My life is fine, and I have so many things I can do and look forward to, but I am lonely. I would have really liked a baby and I don't think that will happen now. Even if it does, I am so sad that my teens and twenties have been so lonely.

I promise you it’s not too late. I clicked on this expecting you to be much, much older.

When you say your teens and twenties have been so lonely, do you mean in the sense that you’ve not had a romantic relationship? Do you have friends? I’m guessing so with the hobbies and so on.

I do have friends but no, never had a romantic relationship. I know it could technically still happen, but the chances are so low now. It seems so impossible to get started.

It's not too late, you're only 30. But If I could back and tell myself anything I'd tell myself to have a bit of psychotherapy. At 29, I was so TIRED of being single that I got in to a relationship with a controlling man, thinking I'd just have a little 'break' from being single but it was so hard to get out of it. And I liked that people thought I was in a relationship at last.

I know when I was 29 people would have also said to me ''you're so young!'' but on the other hand, in the 12 or so years that I'd wanted a half decent boyfriend, it had never happened, they'd all been either far too controlling or far too avoidant and in fact, so avoidant they wouldn't have admitted to being my boyfriend.

Looking back on it I probably had some mild to moderate attachment issue. I was probably not very secure in my attachment style and I should have looked at that.

But i also should have pursued other interests. I would have loved to have done a philosophy degree, made some sculptures, done a silver smith course, maybe gone to volunteer for a while to make me braver and shown me that life didn't have to be so conventional.

YOu are young OP, but at the same time, if you don't change things yourself, they just roll on and on, more of what went before. So I'd suggest a bit of therapy and a solo holiday to make you braver (so that no opportunities pass you by)

xx

I get the feelings in your post Constance. I would so love to tell people I have a boyfriend. I'm so sorry your relationship wasn't the best.

I have a solo holiday booked this summer. I probably will have to quarantine but I think it will be worth it for some sunshine.

The chances are NOT low! And 30 is hardly over the hill!

Perhaps you will have to go out of your way a bit since you don't really meet men in your daily life/hobbies. I wouldn't give up on OLD though, just give it a break and perhaps try different sites, some are better than others.

I met my DP when I was 43 and I'm now 49 and we're still together. I was single for 8 years before I met him (OLD). I was always single on and off throughout my 20s and 30s and I always knew that I was never going to meet my "one" through clubbing. as all the men I went out with were awful. I hated OLD but I persevered and went on a lot of crap dates. It's a cliche but it helps to keep trying.

One of my best friends met her lovely husband after 30, no serious relationships up to then. She has two gorgeous kids now.

Not saying that's the only thing in life worth having, of course it's not but you seem to want that so just saying it is possible.

From what I've seen relationships can sometimes move quicker when people are older as they are more aware of what they don't want and know what they are looking for.

Would travelling solo or in a group suit you?
I love travelling and in all honesty would choose that over being settled down any day of the week!!

Maybe you could get a housemate, though that wouldn't suit everyone of course.

I don't know what the answer is. If I live my life to suit myself, and do the things that make me happy, I never meet men and I don't date, but then you're right, things don't change.

I would 100% rather go on holiday alone than with a group!

OLD really makes me feel crap about myself. It's everything I hate! I just can't take it lightly or see it as enjoyable in any way.

@AngelsRollTheirEyes

I get the feelings in your post Constance. I would so love to tell people I have a boyfriend. I'm so sorry your relationship wasn't the best.

I have a solo holiday booked this summer. I probably will have to quarantine but I think it will be worth it for some sunshine.

Good decision. I think it's really important to get out of your comfort zone. I wish I'd done that more.

Have you ever considered using the same approach as match makers? They often ask for 4-5 family and friends to come forward.

Matchmakers will seek out people who come from similar socioeconomic stratums, nearby geographic locations, identical education levels and so forth.

With the help of your elected family and friends they find possible suitors.

Honestly, so would give it ago. You might find it easier than OLD as there will already be a connection.

GOOD LUCK xx

Why not join a club or volunteer for something? Meet new people. Pick something that isn't all female. Sometimes you need to be proactive. Take one small step towards your goal. Or do an evening class? I'd really recommend doing something like diving or hill walking, where you go on weekends away after a while. I'm an introvert but there are times in life where you have to break out of the comfort zone.

Oh @Angel your post has made me so sad - you're no age at all, you have plenty of time, don't write yourself off! Plenty of people get married and have a family in their 30s and 40s, please don't give up if that's what you want.

Oh I just want to give you a hug!

There is still plenty of time although I know what you mean about the downside of hobbies and work being primarily female focused.

Fwiw I met my husband at 21 and was married with a baby by 29. I was living back home with my parents and going through a none too pleasant divorce at 40.

My contrast, my friend met her DH at 33, married at 35 and ten years later is still happily married with 2 kids.

We never know what the future holds for us.

Your not to old at all. I've just recently separated from my husband and I'm single and 38. If I have hope of one day meeting someone then you should to. But you need to get out of your comfort zone and start meeting people otherwise you won't meet someone. I know you don't like online dating but have you tried all the sites? Do you socailise outside of your hobby? Do you go to the pub? Do you work with anyone that takes your fancy etc etc

Yes me, although I'm 39! It's easy for me to say 'you are still young, it's ok' (which you are) but I feel like I've blinked and here I am.

That's not to make you feel bad, more I I wish I'd put more effort into getting into hobbies sooner and not sweat the small stuff in the relationships/friendships I've let slide over the years.

I too absolutely hate OLD but I'm starting to dip my toe in again. I'm a walking contradiction though, I love being alone and go on city breaks alone and I feel like I'm set in my ways now but would also love someone to do that and go through the rest of this weird life with me. It's tough.

I am a contradiction too. I really like my hobbies and I don't feel that I need to add anything else to my life, apart from a few places I'd still like to travel to post-Covid.

I really don't see the point in taking up something just in the off chance to meet a man. I'd be bloody miserable diving or hill walking.

I've tried Bumble, Tinder, Match and Hinge. Match and Hinge were very quiet and tbh everyone was either on Bumble or Tinder too.

Thank you for the nice messages. They've really cheered me up!

That made me smile. Those were just examples .