Should I encourage my 12 year old to see his dad

[Lounew]

So I seperated from my husband last year after 25 years of on and off physical abuse to me police were involved courts and a restraining order .we have 3 children together who he was never violent to but they did hear and see things . Anyway my question is my youngest is 12 boy and at the start of seperation saw his dad but was ways my effort as I didn't want them to lose their relationship but when my son heard him being verbel abusive and was showing up drunk etc he said he didn't want to see him . Now things av settled down my ex as stayed away and never attempts to see his son . It breaks my heart my boy as no dad should i try and push for them to see each other ? Also I am angry he swans around living a single life wen I have all the responsibility. Any advice or experience?

Ask your son, ask him if he would try to forgive his father, if he says no, tell him that you understand and that you believe a relationship with his father is important but you will not add pressure. Also reassure him that if he changes his mind whether it in a week, a month or many years you will support him and he must tell you so you can make arrangements.

Please don't force him. I forced my Dd. She hated me for it. In the end her dad became not very nice to her, she stopped seeing him but I am left with a teenager who just isn't the happy girl I once had.
Things are a bit more extreme my end now. But a lesson I learned was listen to your child. There will always be a barrier between us now. I thought I was doing the best for her, but it turns out when she said no, she really meant no.

You should tell your son that if he's changed his mind about his Dad then you will help re-establish contact. Legally a judge would respect your son's wishes and not force contact

The problem is that now your ex is enjoying single life, is he likely to welcome his son back with open arms?

My ds went nc with his df at 12 after realising he was abusive and neglectful of him. He is so much happier and settled now. Been 4 years.
Support your ds in not having his df around.

DD now 13 hasn't seen her dad for 3 year now, her choice and she is happier for it. She has much stronger male role models in her life (uncle's, cousins, teachers) she realised herself she didn't need his drama.

You want your son to have a relationship with an abuser? Why?

Things have settled because that man no longer has opportunities to abuse you all.

Pushing your child into a toxic situation with an abuser won't take away your grief at what's happened and who that man turned out to be.

Deal with the grief on your account. Support your son's very wise decision to protect himself.

Why would you put your son through more trauma and abuse to (probably) just get rejected again?

You have to resist the idea that kids need 2 parents. Ideally kids would have both parents in their life but sometimes they are better off not knowing the parent(s)

Some people like peddling the lie that a child who doesn't see their Dad has a mum who is maliciously withholding contact. If that's a fear of yours then you need to let that go. You and your son know the truth and he is the most important person here.

If things are calm then I wouldn't bring chaos into your son's life. Your ex is presumably happy now and if he's happy and not exposing your son to abusive then perhaps that's the best that you can expect from him

No. I went NC with my dad when I was 11. It's not always best to encourage a relationship with a bad parent.

Ask your son - support him in whichever decision he makes. As PP have said, a judge would respect his decision if he chooses not to see his father (IF ex does take it to court)

No i wouldn't..

Be careful what you wish for is what is would say..

Your Ds is 12 and doesn't know what he is capable of.

God NO!!

Better to never have contact with an abusive parent. You can bet when your son’s hormones are raging, he’ll get moody and challenging- how will your ex react?

Count your blessings you have no enforced contact.

Don’t ever let on to your ex that you like it this way- he may just ask for contact to aggravate the situation.

No I wouldn't. Your son has made his own decision. If he changes his mind in the future, you can support him with that.

I think it is better for some children to have no contact with a parent, rather than contact with someone abusive.