DS(6) starting parent favourites again

[Missingtheedge]

DS(6) went through this stage when he was 3 but he’s starting it again aged 6.5 years, when I think he should know better and all the guidance I’ve found online only mentions this as toddler behaviour.

I’m a SAHM (but job hunting) and DH has always worked very long hours and is usually never home before bedtime, but in the last two months he’s decided to come home earlier and wfh the rest of the evening so he sees DS.

This favouritism behaviour is really ramping up and DS is often awful to me, and then clinging to his DF like a limpet. He sometimes hits me when he doesn’t get his own way, tells me he’s going to scream in my face (but doesn’t), pushes me, is wilfully disobedient, and quite hateful with the things he says. DH always strongly tells him off and makes him apologise.

DS does this at home and in front of other people. His friend, also 6, has told him off twice for ‘speaking to your mummy like that,’ and my friend has also reprimanded him for hitting and being obnoxious to me. He looks contrite and then repeats the behaviour later.

I’ve tried to ignore what he says but it’s really starting to get me down; it’s also downright humiliating and embarrassing when he starts in front of other people. I’ve pretty much done absolutely everything for him as his DF has never been around except in the mornings before work, weekends and school holidays (works in education), and yet when his DF is around he often treats me like dirt. Then in the next breath, when his DF is not here, he’s all over me hugging and telling me how much he loves me, has even said a few times he loves me more than his DF. It’s like being gaslighted by a 6yo.

I tell him off for being rude, hitting etc and explain why the things he says are not kind, I’ve walked away and ignored him when he kicks off, put him in time out, and confiscated TV/iPad time.

DH is also getting fed up of this behaviour and the constant clinginess, and rejection of me. What can we do? Sometimes I feel like walking out of this house and never coming back

No one else experienced this then?

You may need to adjust your expectations and also reactions. Sometimes better to not react or ignore the bad behaviour.
My dd can be like this with DH. My observation is that DH can be too “woe is me” about it, take it hugely personally and forget that he’s the adult, she is the emotionally immature child here. It’s better if he is matter of fact about it, not overly dramatic and, ashamed to say, childish in his responses (eg he’ll storm off, and he sounds like a kid himself!).

So I would work on your emotional feelings around this separately from when dealing with your child. Keep it calm and measured in your responses to poor behaviour and don’t over react emotionally. Also try not to see it as a competition with your DH or that you deserve better because you do “more”. It doesn’t work that way.

I would try this book and have a think about when things go well and why that might be?

Ds is going through this at the moment, clinging to me and rejecting dh. He is almost 3. Dd is 5 and also went through this when she was a baby but is going through it again now at the same time. As she went through it before we aren't too worried (even though it does get us down sometimes) because we know it will pass.

If you think about it, kids have been through an awful lot in the last year and a bit - no wonder they are acting up.

Maybe in our case dh is getting rejected as he is the one who is at home with them the most. I work outside of the house so perhaps, after several lockdowns, thats why they cling to me.

My advice is to just keep going, keep showing him lots of love and empathy (both you and his dad) and he will come through the other side x

Whilst kids go through these phases with regards to being more attached to one parent, I would be strongly dealing with the fact your 6 year old is hitting you and speaking to you like that. You mention other people stepping in to discipline him but not yourself. Sounds a bit like he doesn't have the same level of respect for you and that is something I would be working hard on. I say this as when I was a child my mum would regularly leave my dad to pull us up on things and it ended up with just my brother and I laughing at her. Obviously I feel awful about this now as an adult and we get on really well, but at the time there were just no consequences for being rude to her.

Sorry not woken up, just read that you do address it with him. But the fact other people are stepping in suggests it may not be very effective.

You're his security, he knows you'll always love him and that's why he chose you.

Any bad behaviour towards you gets a consistent and instant punishment. Time out is a good one. Ignore any secondary behaviour. Whatever he did in the first place is your focus.

It must be pretty bad for other people to be reprimanding him. I'd only do that if I'd repeatedly seen a parent give no consequences. It sounds like you're spending a lot of time explaining stuff (which he probably already knows) and not on giving consequences.

Thanks for the comments. I do instantly tell him off, and my friend and her DD have also chimed in after I have told him off.

What do other people do when their 6yo hits and/or says horrible things to you in public, when invariably someone has seen his behaviour and is staring? In public, a verbal telling off results on him either arguing back or saying more awful things, shouting and maybe running off. Time out at home works well, but out in public he becomes hysterical and aggressive and flatly refuses to do it (would always go somewhere quietish). I think embarrassment causes this reaction from him.

As I say this is new behaviour and he is normally well-behaved both at home and out.

Tell him before any outings that you expect him to behave in a certain way. Keep it clear and short and positive. Tell him he’ll get a warning if he does misbehave and then he’ll go home.
If he does misbehave then give him a warning and then take him home if you can

I’m not sure about time out for a 6 year old. He’s a bit old for that in my view. It’s the sort of thing I’d do with a preschooler.

I'd do exactly as above. But if its a trip where he wouldn't mind about going home or would actually aim for it, supermarket for example or something he finds boring I would have another consequence ready that you know will have an impact. Warn once and then ensure you follow through. L

One warning and then home is also my strategy. I've only had to do it once! The next time the warning was enough.

Yep, I agree, one warning and then home.

I remember someone saying that her kids were acting up quite badly when they were all out for dinner at a pizzeria.
The mum gave them one warning and said the next time they misbehaved they were going home.
But still the kids carried on.

After the second misbehaviour, she bundled them all out of the pizzeria, paid the bill and home in the car straight away.
Pizzas and all left on the restaurant table.
They'd barely had one mouthful of their pizzas.
The kids never pulled anything like that again

@Missingtheedge

Thanks for the comments. I do instantly tell him off, and my friend and her DD have also chimed in after I have told him off.

What do other people do when their 6yo hits and/or says horrible things to you in public, when invariably someone has seen his behaviour and is staring? In public, a verbal telling off results on him either arguing back or saying more awful things, shouting and maybe running off. Time out at home works well, but out in public he becomes hysterical and aggressive and flatly refuses to do it (would always go somewhere quietish). I think embarrassment causes this reaction from him.

As I say this is new behaviour and he is normally well-behaved both at home and out.

Rather than telling hi, off publicly, with everyone watching, can you take him outside and have a private word? Eg you’re in a cafe with friends and he does it - rather than telling him off in front of the friend, ask him to come outside for a minute and address the behaviour there. With everyone watching he will be embarrassed at being told off and more likely to act up in response. If it’s just the 2 of you again he may listen. I have no experience in doing this in parenting but as a teacher it’s what I’d do.

Kids will usually have a favourite parent, just one of those things, but this isn’t about that, it’s about his behaviour.

It is completely unacceptable. I don’t understand why he’s been able to hit you more than once. After age 2, hitting a parent would result in an almost nuclear reaction here.

You need to have a chat with him together, I wouldn’t specify about the favouritism, just say hitting, rudeness, name calling etc has been happening a lot recently and it is no longer being tolerated. He needs to manage his behaviour with you in a way he presumably does with everyone else, or is he raging at school or others too?

If he does it outside of the house there’s a warning and you go home or if that isn’t feasible I would either sit him in the car I. Silence for 15 minutes or he loses a privilege. At home it would be up to bed. Maybe try something like a star chart, that DH can monitor as well so he sees you are a united front.

I also think stop spending lots of time explaining, he knows it isn’t kind by now and it probably just feeds the reaction. Your response should be instant and consistent.

Well, all the chats about his behaviour before we go out were in vain today. His behaviour was absolutely awful towards me and my friend who was with us was shocked and said we should seek advice.

Whenever he didn’t get what he wanted it was almost constant hitting and pushing, and telling me to ‘go away,’ ‘I hate you,’ and ‘I want a new mummy.’ We were in a busy area and so many people staring and no amount of ignoring or being told ‘no hitting’ worked. Don’t drive so no car to take him to, and very busy area due to an event on so no quiet places to take him. I should have got the train home but then it would have ruined the day for my friend and her DS, but then his constant behaviour pretty much did anyway. Got home and he’s all over me like a rash saying he loves me so much, kisses etc. I don’t buy the saying that they play up with those they love/trust the most.

I’ve reached the end of my tether and am going to speak to the school Senco. Right now I’m just sitting here in tears at his behaviour and the public humiliation I had today

I would dial back what you do with him. Don't do stuff where you can't immediately go home if he misbehaves. Stick to short local trips. What is the consequence now he is back home?

@cansu both DH and I have told him his behaviour today was unacceptable- we do not hit/push etc. We bought a new iPad today and have told him that he is banned from using it for 5 days (he has little time on it but has recently discovered a game that he loves on it). He only had 2 books at bedtime instead of the usual 4.

Also, at his after-school activity this week where he has started misbehaving afterwards in front of other people, he has been told he gets one warning for misbehaving and then we leave and go straight home (we usually have a treat light meal afterwards with his good friend that he does the activity with).

Yes, it’s a good idea to do activities where I can easily return home until the behaviour ceases. Friend suggested we could arrange to meet at a park with the understanding that one warning means we leave. I know this will cause absolute hysterics but hope he will learn from it

Ahh I don’t have any advice I’m afraid as my eldest is only 3, but I hope you’re feeling better since you posted and I’m sorry your day was spoiled and you’re upset Hope you can have a pleasant evening and someone more helpful comes along.

FWIW I think you do need some very serious consequences for him tomorrow, as a result of today’s behaviour.

I have a good friend who was at her wits end with her dd. She contacted the school nurse service and felt the advice she got was really helpful. She was advised to be calm and firm, not to react emotionally during tantrums and to always give a warning and a consequence. She said that the nurse helped her to see that her dd was being allowed too much control in the home. She is a lovely, empathetic mum and she is feeling much better now that she feels she has taken back some control. It has meant really sticking to what she has said though and not making empty threats.

6 year old wouldnt get a warning with me. Would be lifted and removed immediately. Sounds really tough op. Has he been ok with lockdowns and school stopping and starting?

It's bloody hard work as they play you don't they. He knows what he's doing.

I think today he should have gone straight to his room when he got in. And stayed there. No bedtime stories. No opportunity to be all over you like a rash. You need really strong consistent boundaries.

I get it. My dd can still be a madam at 8yo. At 6 we had an epic tantrum and really rubbish behaviour. I sent her to her room at 4pm and made her stay there, she went to sleep at 6pm. She tried the I loveyou, I hate you. You're the worst, dad is better and im going to live with him dialogue. All for a reaction. I didn't give her one.

She can still push it now. But she does know we will leave somewhere if she continues and she will be sent to her room.

Sending lots of hugs. It sounds like it's been a really rough day.

I think he knows you're embarrassed about his behaviour in public too. So he knows you won't massively challenge it. If my dd has pushed me to go nuclear (only twice ever in public) I don't care who hears me. The cajoling and reasoning isn't working with him. He knows not to push, hit and behave like that.

At 6 even if he plays favourites with you both he knows not to hit you!

When my DS was younger if he was rude to anyone (which wasnt very often) we would leave right then and there. I understand you have tried everything and there might be an underlying condition but would that help? No warning, just home.

It sounds exhausting.