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Original poster

Has he caught me out here?

24 replies

haveibeencaughtout · 04/06/2021 18:55

My head is in a mess. A big old mess.

I had a big row with my boyfriend on Wednesday. He stormed off and didn't reply to my text messages until today. He's been driving me up the wall recently. He has mental health issues (bipolar II) and has lost his job and is hoarding stuff and getting obsessive about films (and all sorts of stuff). He doesn't take his meds. He also had been talking non-stop for about three months now. On Wednesday, I'd lost an envelope with money in it. I was trying to find it desperately and he was talking about language development in children (or something similarly random) and I flipped. He drove off. We don't live together.

Yesterday, a local man (who also seems to have major mental health issues) left roses and chocolates on my doorstep. I was a bit scared. I could do without it. I was also sad about it. I didn't tell my boyfriend about this. I'd only met the man the day before. He saw me painting furniture in my front garden and said he wanted to be friends with me. I just smiled and went back inside. But, I've obviously taken his fancy.

Then my 18-year-old cat (who was operated on last week) vomited blood (a lot) and started making that noise they make when they're in pain. I rushed her to the vet and she was put to sleep. I was expecting it, but it was devastating. I didn't want it to end like that. I'm still in shock about it.

Anyway, I reactivated an OLD site. I don't even know WHY. I had no intention of ever meeting anyone. I'm too tired, upset, busy. God knows why I did it. Maybe to see if I could attract someone who wasn't weird. I know that sounds awful, but I was feeling sorry for myself. I didn't write to anyone. I got a load of "likes" and messages saying "hello" and nothing else happened.

Today, I got a message from my boyfriend saying, "The meetic with my doctor went well. She gave me some advice and explanations. How are you? Not too hot?"

Meetic is the name of the site.

It's not that hot today.

He's letting me know that he's seen me on there, isn't he? Or have I lost it? He likes plays on words and that kind of thing. Either that or he has access to my email.

Sometimes I don't even need to leave the house and I get into a load of trouble. I'm a 40-year-old single mum. I should sort myself out. Now I don't know if he knows. Or if it was just a coincidence? Or predictive text? I don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt this man.

OP posts:

TakeYourFinalPosition · 04/06/2021 19:16

Nobody here could possibly tell you for sure. It does seem rather a coincidence, autocorrect would change it to “meeting” and Meetic is not a well known dating site... or a common typo.

But it could be a typo, and your clear guilt is making you read into it more.

Where do you see this going? It doesn’t seem sustainable as it is. Does he intend to stay off medication? Does he have frequent flare ups - and does he have ways to deal with them that work such as therapy or anything, or does he leave them completely untreated?

Is this what you want from life?

Original poster

haveibeencaughtout · 04/06/2021 19:29

Meetic is the European version of Match.com. I think it's very common over here. He was trying to write "meeting". But on a foriegn phone. Predicitve text could be a possibility.
He leaves his illness completely untreated. He goes very low for a few months and then when he's high he spends all his money and won't stop talking. He doesn't talk nonsense. It all makes sense. But it's very very fast. He also goes into great detail.
It was very bad three years ago. He was in a psychiatric hospital for three months. He's a decent man. And very clever. And we go on nice trips out. It's part-time. And I don't think I can be bothered to start again. But I do sometimes wish things had worked out better for me.
I don't think I do want this from life. I don't think I even want a man. Maybe I like the idea of a nice one. I don't share a house or finances with my boyfriend, but I've been seeing him for four years.

OP posts:

Original poster

haveibeencaughtout · 04/06/2021 19:36

He doesn't believe in psychiatric medicine. He can give you a million reasons why not. I don't even know if he's been correctly diagnosed. He seems high pretty much all the time. He does go and see his GP who gives him a prescription, but he stocks the meds in his kitchen cupboard. He just pretends he takes them so they don't put him in the hospital again.

OP posts:

Afonavon · 04/06/2021 19:42

Sorry, but the relationship seems too much like hard work to me! I’d be happier alone than dealing with that stress, but it of course is up to you.

justasyouare · 04/06/2021 19:58

If he’s seen you on the dating site then presumably he’s on there too?

You don’t sound happy or like you’re getting a great deal from the relationship.

Ninkanink · 04/06/2021 20:07

I really think this relationship has run its course.

It isn’t making you happy, is it? Is this really what you want out of life for the next 20-30-40 years?

Ninkanink · 04/06/2021 20:07

Also I’m sorry about your cat. Losing a pet is really painful.

Happylittlethoughts · 04/06/2021 20:38

You sound a little manic to me - maybe your writing style.
I think you need to calm things in your life, take a step back and be less reactive. That means eliminating triggers. An ill partner has caused a lot of stress and reactive behaviour. Think you need time alone to reflect and focus. You've had some emotional experiences.

ThursdayWeld · 04/06/2021 20:42

Who cares if he caught you out. You are acting out because you don't want to be with him any more. And I don't blame you!

His mental health is not your responsibility.

AtrociousCircumstance · 04/06/2021 20:46

I agree with a PP, you sound manic here. Maybe you and he feed each other’s dramas? Either way end it, it’s obviously a very dysfunctional relationship.

Aqsw · 04/06/2021 21:19

This all seems like a lot for you to deal with. Can you step away for a while till you are in a better position (emotionally) to deal with all this? You sound very guilty and scared. Is there someone in your family or friends with whom you can talk this through? I would suggest that you seek some help and advice before trying to deal with all this. Your mental health is equally important.

Original poster

haveibeencaughtout · 04/06/2021 21:20

Maybe I do sound a bit manic. I've had a lot to deal with over the last few days. Things aren't usually like this. I have a decent job and run a charity as well (albeit a small one). I'm keeping my head above water, but it all got weird on Wednesday. I think I'm very stressed. I don't want to live with a load of aggro. I don't breathe easily when he's around. I can feel the anxiety in my chest. It's because he just won't stop talking.

I suppose the cat part of the story and the new stalker were just for context. I wanted people to see that stress led me to the OLD thing.

I need to do some thinking. I don't think he'd take it well at all if I told him it was over.

OP posts:

Original poster

haveibeencaughtout · 04/06/2021 21:26

It's been weird since before Wednesday. This has been going on for weeks. Maybe months. We went for dinner with his parents recently. We hadn't seen them for 8 months because of covid. I was hoping his parents, brother and sister would notice the speed talking and talk to him about it.
I do tell him about it. I ask him sometimes (in the car usually) to just take a breather for a few minutes, but he can't.
I don't see him during the week and I find myself dreading seeing him sometimes. Not every time. He's really not a bad person at all. But it's hard work.

OP posts:

LIZS · 04/06/2021 21:29

Are you also vulnerable perhaps, which may be why these men are drawn to you or that you overanalyse what is going on? If your dp won't engage with support services he will continue to be awkward, blowing hot and cold. Sounds like hard work and you have the right to end it if it is not working for you.

YogaLite · 04/06/2021 21:33

U said u reactivated your profile, could it be that's how u met in the first place?

I would assume he was on there too.
I think pp are right, you need to move on..

Thelnebriati · 04/06/2021 21:33

How would he know you were there unless he was also on it monitoring your old account? Is there any chance he can access what you are posting, for example do you use an Iphone and is it linked to his?
I don't want to worry you, but if there is any possibility he is monitoring your internet use, then he can see you have posted this.
Do you know how to check and lock down your gadgets and router? Start by googling that and do it straight away.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/06/2021 21:39

I don't think he'd take it well at all if I told him it was over.

That's not your problem or your responsibility. Run like hell away from this man. He is nothing but an anchor around your neck. Your child needs a stable mother, and with him in your life you're not.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 04/06/2021 21:48

Re the message. Respond to the surface text only, i.e. ignore any deliberate wordplay or coding. I would either send a bland message (you're pleased the doctor was helpful, you're upset about your cat but getting through it) or I would just not respond. Don't tip him off that you've recognised what he's doing. You seem like you need more peace right now, not more drama. And I agree with the others about doubting whether this is a good relationship for you to stay in. You seem extremely stressed by it.

GettingItOutThere · 04/06/2021 21:56

i mean this nicely but, get out, now. A relationship should not be this much hard work and if you have said it yourself on a dating site to find someone less weird - its over!
I would not stay with this man, end it today and make your life easier!

TheChosenTwo · 04/06/2021 22:13

Blimey this relationship sounds like hard work. For him to catch you out he’d have to be on the OLD site too. And what possible reason would he have to be on there? Same as you, because you’re looking for something else.
Get away from him for your own sake, he doesn’t seem to bring you happiness and joy if you sometimes dread having to see him.

PegasusReturns · 05/06/2021 06:52

I don’t think you sound manic, you sound like a woman who has a lot going on.

You know your relationship is over but are staying because you feel obligated to help fix him and guilty that he won’t cope if you end it.

That’s no way to live. Give yourself permission to look out for yourself.

Bouledeneige · 05/06/2021 07:03

I don't think you sound manic - just overwhelmed. I agree with the advice to ignore what he's saying in code or about the dating site. He could only know you were on it if he was too so why feel guilty? The reason you went on the site was because this relationship doesn't work. He's not just hard work, he's unwell and he's not allowing himself to be treated for it. So its you who gets the brunt of it and its sounds draining and debilitating. I think someone constantly talking at you for 3 months would drive most people insane.

Take a break. Can you get away for a week or so - a holiday or seeing family or friends? Can you get some space to relax and chill and get away from him? I think you should. I would also suggest that this relationship isn't good for you and you should leave. But I think you know that. Look after you.

Butterfly44 · 05/06/2021 07:04

Stress of your cat and someone leaving you flowers are not reasons that lead you to reactivate OLD. And it sounds like your partner is on there looking also. So end of the road in this relationship that neither of you are that committed to.

LoudNowSing · 05/06/2021 08:53

You're never ever going to have a good relationship with someone with an untreated serious mental illness. It will just drag you down and drive you mad. Believe me, I know.

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