Have you ever “lost yourself”

[callmemaybee]

If so, how did you manage to comeback?

My life now and pre-pandemic is so different and tbh, I don’t recognise myself now! Everything, looks, confidence, identity etc is non existent!

When I had my dc, especially after dc2 was born and did nothing but cry alllllll the time. I had given up a long term job, we had no money, someone I thought was a friend had moved away and stopped seeing me, we had to move house, I had to rehome my lovely little dog... it felt like everything that made me the person I was had either been taken away or I'd had to give up. Those few years were very difficult.

I went back to being available for work part- and then full-time and put the dc, who were only little toddlers at that point, into nursery and started a new hobby (photography) that got me out of the house and gave me something to think about other than my children.

This year has been good for us as a family (although we're in the shit financially) because both dh & I have been at home together during the lockdowns and school holidays and then during term time he's taken over the role of main caregiver whilst I've been working.

Our dc are 10 and 8 now so are much easier in teems of being able to walk to & from school and make basic meals and do chores etc as well as being able to play out so it's nowhere near as full-on aa it was when I had to juggle 2 under 2 mostly by myself day in, day out.

I think after I had my kids it was difficult to feel any identity outside of "Mum" and "Wife". I had 3 babies in a very short space of time, gave up my job and just lost what made me, me.

But, I started back at karate in 2014. Earned my first and second degree black belts, opened my own club and built a really great friendship group through it.

Then in 2019 I went out on a whim and applied for a job, and got it! I have LOVED being back at work, earning my own money. I finally feel like I'm starting to be my own person again.

Yes, after having my DC. My youngest is 3 and eldest 7. I felt like I was finally finding myself again just before becoming pregnant with 3yo. Then a lot of weight gain happened, I'm having to wait longer to get back in to work, the reality of having 2 kids with only my DH for help, at the minute I'm just wife and mum. I'm not sure who I am outside of that. It actually bothers me a lot.

Not lost myself as such, but discovered my real self around the time of the menopause.

People tend to focus on the negatives around menopause, but I became more confident, took on a challenging new job and generally became less of a people pleaser. I genuinely prefer my life at 60 than at 40.

What does it actually mean, ‘to lose yourself’ ?

For me it means losing sense of your own identity, shutting down so as to continue functioning, going through the motions of life on autopilot, like a zombie or a shell of who you once were. Existing not living.

I agree with your definition of lost self. For a long while I was pretty much a zombie, shambling through a list of behaviours that I assumed were expected of me.

Yep. Feel like I’m (barely) surviving, not thriving?

It’s like I’ve lost my spark and enjoyment for life, I can’t even blame lockdown any more

I'm lost. Two small children, an OH that I don't always usually like and am WFH so don't get to speak to other people day to day. Seeing my friends again has given me a boost but deep down, I'm not me anymore. Nobody has noticed and that hurts. I'm not the sort to say I'm struggling so until I pull my finger out and do something about it, this is the new me. I don't like it.

I think I’ve lost myself. I’m not 100% sure I ever knew myself before as I had crippling ocd, but since having my DTs I don’t know who I am anymore outside of being their mother and dh’s wife.

I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up, I feel like I’m mainly existing but not thriving. I guess I’m in a rut but don’t know how to get out of it, mainly because I don’t know what I want outside of it. The rut is comfy I guess!

The tell me a bit about yourself question is pretty difficult to answer, as apart from gardening my one other passion is niche and bloody boring unless you’re a fellow china addict!

I’m mind 30’s and feel I’ve made a bit of a mess of my life so far (apart from my kids, they’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me). Just feels like there’s more to life than breaking up fights, constantly preparing food and despairing at the state of the house. Well, I think there should be. But, what that is is a complete mystery to me.

It’s so sad (but normal, unfortunately) how so many of you felt this way after having kids!

@MuchTooTired I can definitely relate with the rut sensation. Have you considered a hiring a cleaner? the state of the house is one less thing weighing down on you

@callmemaybee I’ve thought about hiring a cleaner, but it’s another thing I’m dithering on! I’m a sahm, it seems too indulgent and a bit embarrassing to have one although I know it’s neither! I realise that sounds absolutely bonkers - my mind just gets overwhelmed with how long do I need, how much will it cost, how do I find someone I’ll trust, will they judge me (which I don’t normally care about but home is a safe place), how to fit it around my mini destroyers etc.

Logically I know even a couple of hours a week whilst the kids are at nursery will work, I think I’ll look in to it, thank you!

I’m sorry you feel you’ve lost the spark and enjoyment of life too, it’s a horrible way of feeling. If you had a magic wand that would ‘fix’ everything, what would you like?

You mention your looks being what's getting you down but that's probably a symptom of the other problems in your life.

I definitely 'lost myself' in my 30s. My job was made redundant and I ended up redeployed into a job I hated. I didn't really appreciate it until later, but a lot of what happened then knocked my confidence. I then had kids and that really knocked me. I had PND and anxiety. I then got redeployed again while I was pregnant with DS2. I did a job that wss perfect for childcare, but terrible for me. I felt trapped and I remember feeling like I didn't matter anymore, I had to do what suited the kids. I worked evenings and had two kids under 5 at home all day so NEVER had any time by myself (I'm someone who likes my time alone).

I started finding my way back when DS2 was 3YO and I went back full time working days. I got evenings to spend on myself. It has snow balled since then. I still hated my job though!

Interestingly, it has been lockdown that helped me find myself again. I got off rhe hamster wheel of life, did a lot of navel gazing and made some big changes. I found a new job which I am happy in. That has made a lot of things in my life better too (because I WFH and I'm less stressed mainly)

My weight got upto the highest it's ever been in this time, mainly because I had no time to exercise or cook healthy meals. But I also had no time or energy to deal with my feelings so I binge ate as a way of dealing with them. Now I am in a better place emotionally, I am working on my binge eating.

Something I have also 'worked on' (hate that expression) is that it's OK to look different to how I did when I was 30. I'm 41 now. I've been through a lot, I am a different person because of my experiences. I do still do my make up, wear nice clothes etc. I'm eating better and exercising. I've accepted I'm different now though.

Take it one step at a time. I found things snowballed, one little thing boosted my confidence and made other things easier until I started doing loads of things together. Life gets easier as the kids get older too. Don't put too much pressure on yourself if you have a young baby or toddler. It will come, but it does take time.

How I got back from being lost was I dumped the abusive boyfriend, who was the cause of it, and went back to the things I did before I met him. I wasn't sure I wanted those things any more, childhood hobbies, but I didn't know where else to start so I started there. Building things up slowly and making new friends until I had a life I was happy with.

Yes after having breast cancer 5 years ago. It was a mixture of PTSD (it was such a traumatic experience)I think, and the fact that I gave up a successful career because my brain didn’t seem to function anymore thanks to the drugs. I felt completely worthless, like if I disappeared no one would notice.
Gradually found myself again through voluntary work, and then eventually studying for a new qualification.

I'm completely lost at the moment. Widowed in July.

Yes I feel like this. A decade of multiple major traumas whilst also trying to parent two dcs with additional needs and I now feel utterly exhausted. Barely surviving.

@joystir59 sorry for your loss

I lost myself after my son was stillborn. I hope that I never go back to such a dark place again, it was terrifying because it just enveloped me and I couldn't shake it.

Grief is a very unpredictable journey.

@joystir59

I'm completely lost at the moment. Widowed in July.

I am so so sorry. Early days but I hope you can find yourself. 💐💐

This is a really interesting and inspiring thread, thanks for starting it @callmemaybee.

I realised I had lost myself when I had a 'that's enough' moment after 25+ years of silent treatment etc. from my STBXH and started reading self-help books to help me decide what to do about my marriage.

One of the exercises was to list things you like to do and I realised that I couldn't answer that as I didn't know. I actually couldn't remember what I liked because I had spent so long as a people pleaser whose life revolved around DH and DCs.

There were dark days when I would have been happy not to wake up in the morning but I found a great counsellor and am now almost divorced and looking for a place of my own.

Finding myself again has been terrifying, uplifting, exhausting and energising all at the same time. I'm not quite there yet but loving the stories here and taking inspiration from them.

I feel a little lost at the moment. I lost a parent I was very close to, then my much loved 22-year-old cat (the feline love of my life, I may never get another). I threw myself into my work and have had tremendous success - so many opportunities, which I have grabbed with both hands.

But now all I do is work and I love it, but I feel so (too?) busy. DH is wonderful. My friends are lovely. Am still in mourning though and I can't sleep and seem to have lost my zest for life. All the things which used to help (reading, knitting, piano, drawing, sex) seem not to work any longer.

I intellectually understand how lucky I am. But I used to feel lucky too. I don't feel it any longer. Could be lockdown, could be everything else.

Am eating well, doing good sleep hygiene, exercising, practising mindfulness, reminding myself every day of all the things I should be thankful for. But it almost feels like these are yet more things I need to add to my to-do list.

Sometimes I want to just draw a duvet up over my head and sleep for weeks.

And all of the above written down looks horribly self-indulgent. I need to figure out a way out of this funk.

Well, I got caught up in that and forgot to say: OP, I saw a doctor yesterday and they were very persuasive about gratitude diaries and mindfulness. They said that a lot of us haven't taken the time to reflect or grieve for what has happened during lockdown and that we should take time out each day both to do that and to focus on the here and now.

Perhaps that will help?

MissyB1 sorry to hear you had breast cancer. I did the same, 6 years ago. The ptsd is horrible. Trouble is im still lost! What did you train for? I seem to be unemployable and tho I’m trying to set up as a sole trader I don’t seem to ge anywhere. Training would be good any suggestions?!

@QueenPaw I can totally identify with this. I'm horsey, I've had them for my entire life, but for various reasons (including the death of our beloved pony) over the last few years I've had to take a break.

It is like having no home to go to or losing a part of yourself. I'm back riding now but no horse is quite like our pony so I'm still feeling slightly lost