Recently bereaved

[Ozymandias101]

My mum died early in May, and it seemed fine at the time. I live very close, but I didn't see her every day, so after the initial shock I felt like I was doing fine. I guess I was just imagining in my mind that she was "off stage".

The funeral was this week, and since then I have been sleeping really poorly. I can't settle to anything. I have a weird tightness in my chest that isn't a pain but is definitely discomforting, and means I'm sighing and yawning constantly. I get teary every time I see the trailer for the sewing bee, because she really wanted to see who made that amazing red coat, but she'll never know. It's really hard to concentrate, and really hard not to get angry.

I've been lucky enough not to lose anyone I loved since I was very young. Is this just what grief is like?

Yes, it's normal.
Google the seven cycles of grief. Disbelief, anger, depression are all there, amongst others. They will come and go. Let the waves wash over you, to use an expression.
But, if it all gets too much, contact your GP for some support.
My experience after losing my dad was that I needed to take some antidepressants for a while - they were helpful to me. Your experience might be different, but don't be afraid to ask of you feel you need them.

Thank you for your kindness. The day after the funeral I mostly just slept and felt lost. I've been diagnosed with depression before and this does seem the same.

The pity of it is that when I was depressed before I could choose to do something to make my situation better. Not so much this time

Oh poor OP., I am sorry for your loss. It's still very early days in the grieving process, it is extraordinary how it can affect you physically like this.

I think getting past the funeral does change things, it puts things to rest but it is also very final.

Don't try and fight the feelings it's all part of the normal process. I hope you start to feel a bit better soon.

I'm just glad my dad didn't play "wind beneath my wings", because he did threaten to. I might have thrown myself in the hole along with mum.

So sorry for your loss

Poor you.

It's normal and you'll be ok. I lost both my mum and dad in 2019 and the loss of my mum was particularly hard. I sometimes even now think it's not real but I know it is. I can go weeks now without crying and some days I don't think about it much but it's always lurking somewhere but in a manageable way.

Tapping this out to you has made me teary - because I feel for you so much

Huge hugs and for you.

I live very close, but I didn't see her every day, so after the initial shock I felt like I was doing fine. I guess I was just imagining in my mind that she was "off stage".

I lost my dad 12 days ago and have been feeling much the same. This afternoon/evening have registered his death and had a 90 minute Skyoe call with the celebrant and feel like I've even steamrollered now.

I think all we can do is take each day as it comes, allow ourselves to feel whatever we need to and take care of ourselves as best we can.

@MintyCedric

You have my sympathies. I hope you were all at peace.
My main comfort is that when mum went to the hospice, our only convo before the good drugs took over was to remark on how there was nothing that needed to be said.
I've been so lucky to be geographically really close, and although we fought like ferrets in a sack when I was younger, it all calmed right down when I could see what a dick I was.

My brother lives further away, and couldn't visit due to lock down. He's taking it harder, because he couldn't have off the cuff chats and catch ups.

Yes, what you describe is normal when you are grieving. Everyone grieves differently but when I lost my parents it was also worst at night. Sometimes I would cry uncontrollably for ages after going to bed.

For me, the really desperate feeling very gradually subsided. The grief has never gone but I have learned to live with it. I think of them many times a day as little things remind me of their love and care.

The one thing I would gently suggest is if you are having chest pain or tightness you might want to check with your GP. Grief can make you more susceptible to physical ailments too.

I am very sorry you lost your Mum. 💐

I’m sorry for your loss.

I lost my mum last July, and my dad the previous November. I thought I was doing okay, but we’re interring their ashes on Monday, and suddenly I feel back to square one.

I’m just dreading seeing their names on a headstone.

You’re not alone - it’s an awful time and I really feel for you.

I feel like the ceremony really cements the finality of it. When I looked into the hole in the earth, and saw her coffin go into it, it left me with nowhere to go as far as denial is concerned.

Ever since then, I've had this horrible tight feeling in my chest, and I cry at the drop of a hat. Or any other thing, for that matter.

I'm also a middle manager at work. I'm not sure how long people are willing to indulge my grief if it might affect the bottom line.

The one thing for which I'm tremendously grateful, is that mum spent her last days in a hospice.

Hospice carers are so amazing. They are incredibly compassionate and kind. If anyone you know wonders what charity to give to, make it a hospice.