Autistic DP? And how to help?

[Ikdeajs]

I think my DP is autistic but he’s never been diagnosed since childhood when apparently his parents pushed for a diagnosis but nothing came of it.

He is wonderful. Except for one thing. He cannot and will not make arrangements with me without needing time to process it.

Example...I stayed last night and this morning I said shall I see you Saturday eve? To which he stared into space and said I think so maybe, I’m not sure what I’m doing. I said well which day over the weekend would you like to do? Again, I’m not sure what I’m doing...

This is the case for absolutely everything. If I push it he retreats more and seems almost panicked.

But every time it happens, we always end up doing as I’ve suggested or similar, it just takes him a few days to confirm, like it needs to sink in. It’s so irritating!

No decision can be made swiftly and he can’t handle it if I alter plans even slightly. One weekend I suggested changing where we had booked for dinner and i could tell on his face it caused confusion.

These moments make me feel he’s hesitant about me and wanting to see me. He assures me that’s not the case. But why does he do it?!

He does it because he's not neurotypical. He's not hesitant, he just thinks differently.

But why does he do it?!

Well if he is autistic that is why he does it. Why don't you read up on things?

And you title asks how to help

Help by allowing him the time to think. You don't need to do or change anything here.

Because change is difficult.

This will be part of the relationsip. Changing plans at the last minuts really throws me. Making plans I'm good with thinking time/deciding over email rather than on the spot.

If he is Autistic, a lot of Autistic people struggle with transitions and changes. Either could explain this. Sometimes seemingly small changes can be really distressing for my children, full on meltdown. These things are genuinely very hard for some Autistic people.

Routine helps my boys cope and they need a lot of warning and time to process changes without distress.

Does he self identify as Autistic? The Autistic led spaces I'm in are very accepting of people who self identify. It can be hard even now to get a diagnosis especially if you're good at masking and your struggles are less obvious.

I think you could hep by accepting that this is how he is.

I have attached 3 memes which I find a helpful way of explaining/visualising how my autism affects me. If your DP is similar then maybe it will help.

But essentially, a change means reprocessing a shit-ton of information to be sure you are making a wise decision. It’s exhausting but necessary for me. Further, the number of inputs I need to consider is huge - I have a constant stream of new information I need to process.

So a small change to a neurotypical person can involve a large amount of consideration from me. And I accept that can be frustrating but I cannot change it. It is what I need to do.

But we are not all the same - I’m only speaking about my own experienced.

There was another thread on this that I was reading yesterday - sorry, I can't remember the title but maybe someone else on here can. There were some really insightful comments from autistic posters.

My dh is autistic (diagnosed). If your dp is autistic then he can't change who he is, you either have to accept him for who he is and what he is, or walk away now.

If someone were blind, you wouldn't expect them to take in the world around them in the same way would you? Or would you get annoyed that they can't see a view you could? Or read your facial expressions? With autism you can't expect people to transition and make changes quickly, their brains take in the world differently and synthesise information differently. Routine, set plans, limited change all help. Please don't get annoyed at something that can't be changed.

And as pointed out, we're all different! With your DP, it's clear he needs time. My son does, too, but not too much time, IYKWIM. A couple of days works best for him and seems to for your DP. Sometimes, of course, it can't be helped and in that case having a diagnosis can help as he can access support, even privately, better to help with coping mechanisms for the anxiety that can go along with autism.

My son, for example, has psychological therapy and has some tools to help when he's faced with something that causes his anxiety to increase.

It also helps with others, making them aware they're dealing with a person with autism.

Again, for example, my son when he sees medical professionals can engage in conversation with them just fine, but he won't make much eye contact and has to have something to engage his hands, a fidget or a piece of cord he ties knots in or the like, and his BP is often elevated on the first go but if you leave him a few minutes and do it again it's back to normal.