Coping with intrusive thoughts/snappy after baby

[May257]

Hi, I have had one intrusive thought every day for over six months now and it’s effecting everything. I had my second baby 7 months ago and since having him have had one thought over and over again and I just hate myself for it. In the beginning I couldn’t eat or leave the house, I would hold my baby all day long and not trust anyone (even husband to watch him at night), I have a beautiful older child to who is 5 and I find myself snapping at her all the time, little things like not getting shoes on quickly or being to loud when I’m trying to get baby to sleep (crying writing this as that’s so trivial and I hate myself for snapping at such things). I know I’m doing it but I hate myself for it and my husband has noticed it and now my little girl has to, I feel like a terrible mum for having no patience and I don’t know if it’s the lack of sleep or intrusive thoughts that have effected me as a mum. Some days are okay and I can get by and go out see family/friends etc but other days I just want to hide away or go back to when I was normal. I have done CBT and it hasn’t helped, not taken any meds yet that’s the next option. Have a supportive family and husband but don’t like to burden them to much. Have read books on intrusive thoughts but always come back to what if my thought is real and then the cycles goes on again. Have let the thoughts come and don’t push away but i could honestly think about the thought all day long. Does anyone have any advice? TIA

That sounds really awful. I don't have it as bad as you but I can really relate to this. I am no expert but for me it is definitely sleep related. I have a 12 month old and his sleep is terrible. The days he sleeps better are much more manageable. Hang in there and try to keep yourself distracted (easier said than done). Hopefully if your baby starts to sleep better your mental health may improve. Good luck.

Thanks for replying @beckylovescats I have good days where I am positive and think things will get better but the bad days are horrid. Sorry you are having trouble with intrusive thoughts to, they’re so awful. I agree on the sleep thing, sleep deprivation makes any bad thoughts a lot worse!

What sort of thoughts? Xx

Intrusive thoughts, anxiety and postpartum rage can be signs of pnd. Can you speak with your gp?

I sympathise though. I have almost daily thoughts about accidentally dropping her down the stairs, getting hit by a car when crossing the street...anything that could be dangerous, I think about. It's exhausting.

And the snappiness could be postpartum rage. It makes it so you can't control your emotions when you're in the moment.

Sorry you're dealing with this

Have you spoken to your GP and given them the full picture?
The lack of sleep is obviously a very real problem but you might be suffering from PND too, and it’s important to accept help if it’s offered.

You have a 5 yr old so you know you’re a good mum really.

Please go back to your GP and tell them about the intrusive thoughts and how it’s affecting your relationship with your daughter.

Thank you all for replying it is interesting you mentioned pnd as I have wondered this for a while but dismissed it as I can get out of bed and get dressed, tidy the house etc so don’t think I could have it could i? Can pnd let you have good/bad days? I don’t really want to say the thought exactly as I find it so upsetting and most people will think I am mad but it’s about me losing my little one and the fear of him being taken away. My intrusive thoughts are mostly about what other people could do/have done and me not having control I guess of other peoples intentions. Sorry to anyone who is dealing with intrusive thoughts I hope everyone makes a speedy recovery!

@May257 we don't think you're mad at all, it's useful to get a flavour of the thoughts as it were to see the severity of the situation. My worst fear was that you were having thoughts about harming your self or worse. The thoughts you've mentioned are just your protective role in overdrive,they come from a good place as you just want your LO to be safe and sound. Don't worry about what the GP will think, it will help them to know. Counselling will also help as it will let you air the thoughts and let them escape from your head xxxx