Cut ties with work ‘friend’

[Whatelsecouldibecalled]

Have worked with same person for 10 years. Got on well. Both of us a little hot headed at times but generally good relationship.
Socialised outside of work. Had play dates. Supported her through some tough times in her life. She was supportive with a difficult period for me. Have returned to work from maternity leave about 4 months ago. Found it extremely hard going back as everything had changed thanks to covid. Technically she is my boss as in charge of department but I am her deputy. I haven’t found her to be that supportive since coming back. I feel that she has been short and difficult with me. Some of that may be my own insecurities around being back. When she has been rude with me I have put it down to stress and moved on. There has been a number of incidents since being back where I have felt that I have been treated unfairly. Straw broke the camels back last week. A senior manager told me she had reported that I have been difficult to work with since coming back from maternity. My work ethic is excellent but I have an ‘attitude’.

I am really hurt that my work ‘friend’ of 10 years felt the need to report me to a senior manager rather than speaking with me herself. Really hurt. And upset I had no idea she felt I had an ‘attitude’ I have been incredibly stressed and may have been short occasionally but if she had said I would have apologised. To then be told that I had to be mindful she had had a hard 14 months of work due to covid was a kick in the gut. Having my first baby in the middle of all this shit hasn’t exactly been easy. Or the adjusting to working with new restrictions.

I feel this, among other issues, means that I can no longer have a friendship as I am
So hurt of how she has treated me and I need to maintain a professional working relationship only. I have cut all ties on social media. I will politely decline social invites. I haven’t been at work since the incident due to bank holiday. I am not sure how to move forward from here.

Learnt my lesson the hard way about friends at work. I feel quite sad about it all

I have been incredibly stressed and may have been short occasionally

Maybe it’s more than occasionally?

Having my first baby in the middle of all this shit hasn’t exactly been easy. Or the adjusting to working with new restrictions

Congratulations on the birth of your child. I’m sure it really has been difficult but, being able to safely stay home with a baby, may have been slightly less stressful than working for the whole of the pandemic & putting practices in place, constant changes, worry about coming into contact with people etc etc so, although you’ve found the last 4 months working in the new way stressful, I imagine she’s pretty much at the end of her rope after 14 months of it. Maybe she didn’t feel able to tactfully discuss it with you directly -or maybe you’ve been more than a bit short and she’s not happy and needs management to step in- we can’t possibly tell.
Cutting ties on SM is really making it clear your relationship is over, I imagine remaining professional may be difficult with the hurt (on both sides) involved.
I couldn’t work like that, I would have to have a chat and get it all out in the open so we could both move forward.
I hope it all goes okay & there is no atmosphere, when you get back in to work

Are you me?! I am friendly and polite with mine, but the team is seriously struggling with her management style (20 emails a day, refusal to listen to ideas from people with far more experience, remote control if she’s not in). It’s bonkers. Be professional but don’t allow her an ‘in’ socially, mine has tried but has now-hopefully-realised that I am not interested in socialising/being her friend.

Maybe she’s hurt that her work friend had returned to work and is being “short” with her?

I can understand feeling hurt but it may be useful to really reflect on your own behaviour too. If your upset because she’s reported you for no reason that’s one thing but if your upset because she raised a valid complaint but not through you first then that’s another.

It’s difficult to be a manager and a friend because when you have to start managing issues people get their backs up

You’re not your bastarding auto correct

It sounds like she's probably had an incredibly.difficult time herself. Working throughout CoVID has not been a walk in the park for anyone. Perhaps you have been more than 'occasionally short' or perhaps the friendship has run its course? Removing her from your social media is making a statement to her that you are no longer friends so I would just try to be professional moving forward.

Personally I'd have asked for a 121 with her to talk it through before removing her on SM as that comes over as a bit petulant. You're hurt because your 'friend' passed her concerns up the chain (did she 'report it to senior management or did it come out in conversation?) and, even if there is some truth in her version of events, I would have felt the same. Clear the air in a professional way (keep friendship out of it) and then you'll know where you stand. Perhaps she was looking forward to your return to support her and your priorities have changed and you've been full of baby? Talk it through.

As you say, lesson learnt. Covid restrictions have been difficult but that should not be used as an excuse or defence for behaviour.

It's always hard to decode messages on a forum and try to figure out what actually happened as only hear one side.

You did drop some clues that you may be more at fault than you are taking responsibility for. Not saying your former friend/boss wasn't also at fault.

Dropping someone you have known for 10 years from all your social media accounts seems quite a strong impulsive reaction. Are you typically that quick to anger at work?

I know you may have had a difficult pregnancy and that is unfortunate but it's really a personal matter and isn't equivalent to someone who has had a hard time at work, doing work. Maybe what you went through was more difficult but it's not necessarily relevant in work context.

Wow I'm quite surprised at the negativity of the reactions. OP I agree that her going over your head in a work context to complain about you is a friendship killer. That kind of thing can tank a career so it's really really terrible of her to have done that without talking to you first - even just as a boss let alone out of respect for your friendship.

No matter how badly you've behaved if she's your boss she should have talked to you first.

The problem now is how to move forward. If you flick a switch on your relationship (which you're well within your right to do) it's presumably only going to make things more difficult ongoingly.

To protect yourself I would start writing down everything that has happened and happens moving forward. It may also be worth speaking to Hr and having them make a record of the fact that your friendship has broken down so if she starts to complain about you more etc they take a more sceptical view. If you can afford it maybe also speak to an employment lawyer. I have a friend working with a lawyer atm to put in a grievance at work and it means she's going to be much better protected than having put one in by herself and then hiring a lawyer.

It may also, unfortunately, be time to start looking for a new job.

Even if the OP had been a bit short, for which she would be owed an apology.

To report you is really off and I can't imagine how ye come back from that.

OP, I would apologise sincerely for being short.
I think you should say that you are disappointed that she reported you instead of speaking to you, but you will definitely address it.

Keep your private life private from now on.

I am not sure how to move forward from here.

Keep all communications civil and professional, OP. If you feel yourself getting "short" take a mental deep breath, smile, communicate appropriately and move on.

You may also want to see if there are any appropriate vacancies elsewhere in your organisation that you can apply for if you feel (understandably) uncomfortable in your current position.

If necessary, do some long term planning with regards to training for other roles in your organisation if possible. Good luck. 🌹

I’d start looking for another job tbh.

Is there any chance that the work colleague who told you may either be wrong or stirring?