Any child psychologists about?

[SecondCityShark]

I don't have children of my own but DH has two and we see them regularly. The youngest is fine but the eldest (12) has some really unusual behaviours. Could do with some advice.

1. She can't be trusted and has stolen things from the house before, like my credit card.
2. She has a weird obsession with serial killers (!). Talks about them nonstop and makes up her own murder stories. No idea whether she genuinely loves them or whether it's an attention thing?
3. makes up stories about her magical powers (like seeing dead people) all the time.

If you try to converse with her about normal stuff, she goes really shy and pretends she can't hear you.

They live with their mum the majority of the time so we don't have major influence but as her new stepmum, I'd like to be a force for good in her life because I really worry about her future.

Im not expecting anybody to have experienced exactly this but has anybody experienced an equivalent? Major attention seeking behaviours? Or is this something worse?

What can I do to help? Is it good or bad to listen to her stories? Good or bad to get professionals involved? BTW, we don't allow much screen time in this house and we take them out for walks, do crafts with them etc. I'm trying to give them positive attention 99.9% of the time.

@Tickledtrout

Thank you, I appreciate your professional perspective on it.

I don't think anybody does know her deeply. That's what I'm trying to do, get to know her. But she's massively evasive and just sticks to the topics she likes talking about (that are all disturbing). Part of me thinks I should give her more time to open up and find her own other interests but I worry that the window of opportunity is fast closing to put her on the right track before the teen years really kick off.

My take on this....

Her parents have split up, she's lost her stability and their full attention, she visits her dad where another woman has critical feelings toward her and her mum, she eats because she's bored, lonely, probably miserable. Maybe she just wants to go home? Or watch TV?

And the topic she has a morbid attraction in, isn't good enough...

The poor kid just needs to shown by her parents she's loved.

And I think you need to take a step back.

Wrong on all counts @GingerFreaker. They've been split up six years and she would have no concept of my concern about her interests because I am always positive with her.

Thanks though. If the scenario was as you'd imagined, your two cents mightve been useful.

Just a note of warning OP, that anyone can call themselves a child psychologist as it’s not a protected title. If you do want to refer her to a psychologist then go on the HCPC website and make sure they are registered as either an Educational Psychologist or a Clinical Psychologist.

@SingtotheCrowd

That's valuable information, thank you. I was literally wondering that just earlier when I was looking for professional help. A lot call themselves 'child therapists' which made me suspicious.

Pop their surname in here and select ‘practitioner psychologist.’

www.hcpc-uk.org/check-the-register/

Taking a punnet of fruit to her room isn't stealing and labelling it as such will cause you more problems.

Step parenting is hard. Maybe look into a course you could do.

This child has suffered a loss, is having to fight for her parents' attention and seems to have 2 parents who are somewhat lacking in their emotional parenting capacity.

Kids with these issues often act out.

How is she at school? Does she hav friends? Is she happy? These are more important questions imo.

Buy her a notebook. When she starts telling stories tell her that's a fantastic story why dont you write it in your journal, I'd love to read it when you've finished.

I have a teen with an interest in serial killers. I also was one. Personally I'd direct her to the book mind hunter, either it will kill her interest or it will provide a context to show how the interest can be put to positive use to catch criminals. In this day and age the idea you can prevent access to material is a bit naive, providing a positive context and an opening for discussion can be more useful.

Start having conversations about male gaze vs female/victim gaze and the treatment of violence against women in the film. Including the difficulties with presentation of women in film, Disney is really useful, especially Frozen (awesome) vs Frozen 2 (deeply problematic). if you can tread gently start talking about the problematic nature of Drag and gender stereotypes....

This one is slightly more complex to implement. We did it when DD was in primary so it was much easier. You need a trusted individual who can differentiate between teenage dross and stuff of concern, in DDs case it was her primary teacher. Give her another notebook/diary. Tell her she can write what she likes, x might check on it every now and then or she can leave it out for x to see. But otherwise you wont read it. Helped DD.

Stop stocking crisps or whatever the food of choice is. Emphasis how you are all having to make this sacrifice to protect her health. No its isnt particularly fair etc. At times (of stress) we have had precious few treats in the house. Emphasis ideas of cause and effect. Teen DD has been known to ask us to hide stuff now, we still dont stock tube yoghurts.

The card and the gender stuffneeds much wiser minds than ne. But these are actually the two biggest red flags for me. The other stuff is reasonably normal

And yes ASD jumped out to me.

@Hazelnutlatteplease that's all excellent advice and totally doable. I'm going to get straight on that (with the notebooks) and discussions around film violence is something that I could really see working with her actually.

I can't tell you how valuable I find your post but it speaks straight to the situation without over-pathologising everything. Thanks so much :)