Settling in idea at nursery for possible ASD child

[chicolateteapot]

My ds is due to start nursery, as yet undiagnosed asd and possible other issues too.
Separation anxiety causes meltdowns as does new environment etc.

I’ve had an idea that I could start a morning routine at home obviously a very set ‘get ready for nursery routine’ and then take in and knowing how he is say for example ‘look - these are the activities today, this is what you will be offered to eat let’s have a look and see what you’d like to do’ have a quick look and then say ‘if you want to stay for a bit to do x,y,z’ then I will say goodbye now and come back after you’ve done etc’ do a shorter session then build up
If dc says no or starts to get upset to just do the same thing every day.

I want to avoid the approach of ‘say a cheery goodbye and we deal with the rest’ because that’s ok for NT children who might cry and be v upset but mine will have a meltdown which is totally different so that approach won’t help us at all. Plus being undiagnosed we don’t have anything in place formally.
I feel like after a week or two it will be familiar and then he will make the choice to stay himself and we will avoid the separation anxiety meltdown once the environment isn’t unfamiliar etc

Has anyone else navigated this kind of situation

Sorry and I forgot to add if he doesn’t want to we just go home and start again the next day

Have a look at PECS visual timetables. You can usually print them off yourself.
A visual aid is very helpful for children (or even adults) with ASD.
My DS used one from 2, and even now aged 16 finds them helpful at certain times like changes at school.

Thankyou I will have a look that sounds really helpful, I’m so so anxious about it all but knowing how he is once he is settled in the right way long term I think it’ll be the best thing as it’s the nursery attached to what will be his primary till 11 and means once he’s used to the setting he has a good few years there and can hopefully get the he’ll and support needed so I want to do this bit right

Not sure how old your DS is - but I wonder if you could you ask for some photos of his key worker and his room before he starts? Show him the photos and talk about his key worker etc ? Like Additional says we've found visual aids really helpful. My ds is only 3 and we found using photos is easier for him as illustrations are too abstract ie he can't translate them into his world

@rantypantss

Not sure how old your DS is - but I wonder if you could you ask for some photos of his key worker and his room before he starts? Show him the photos and talk about his key worker etc ? Like Additional says we've found visual aids really helpful. My ds is only 3 and we found using photos is easier for him as illustrations are too abstract ie he can't translate them into his world

Yes I was going to do it with photos as I just had a look at the timetables and the picture ones for example have blue clothes for getting dressed and an egg on a plate for breakfast and he won’t have a blue uniform and doesn’t eat egg so I know that will confuse him ! He’s 3 I think I will do as you suggest and ask then for photos and also do my own for the morning routine (might start that ASAP so he gets used to the pictures and timetable)

You do realise you won’t be allowed in the actual nursery don’t you? I agree that having a morning routine at home will help, but then you should drop him off at the door rather than negotiating with him if he wants to stay or not. I’d be walking past the nursery as often as possible to get him used to the journey, and be talking positively about it with him.
What makes you think he has separation anxiety? At his age, he will have spent most of his life at home rather than with others because of lockdown. Being a bit nervous of unfamiliar places is only natural, it doesn’t need a label.
Is it a school nursery he’s going to, or a private one?

Sorry I’ve just seen it’s the school nursery.

He very obviously has ASD and possible other issues (I have older children with asd too) and he has been also stressed previously at any separation.
I want it to be his choice to stay when he is acclimatised to the setting

Parents are allowed into the school again now and the nursery and I know parents with dc there now who have been allowed into the room at drop off so I think it should be ok

I can’t walk him past it now as he won’t fully understand but I can show photos to him at home which may help I think

Could you read a social story to him? As I’m sure you know from your older children the key to success is Structure, predictably and making it visual. How about packing a lunch box of food that he takes to nursery too or some other transition object.
Could you also arrive early/late so there isn’t a lot of people arriving at the same time.

I will try, it’s hard as my older 2 were diagnosed so much later so now looking back I see the mistakes I made at this stage and want to do things differently this time

If you use a visual schedule, be sure to put returning home on it!

I’ve worked with dc with asd and we found it very effective to have a parent come into the building, but not into the classroom. A staff member would come and chat to the parent, then to the child and then entice the child to follow them into the classroom for an activity and then come back to the waiting parent.

It was easier to extend the child’s comfort level at staying in the classroom and taking part in activities than to get the child to let their parent leave after they had come into the classroom.

It basically set up the idea from the start that the classroom is a place for children and teachers, not for parents. But they could go back to their parents if they wanted. We had big windows and they could see each other, but parents were outside.

From an NT perspective that seems a bit harsh, but for our dc with asd having those spaces clearly defined made the transitions easier. If the parents come into the room, the point at which they leave is arbitrary and difficult for the dc to predict and adds hugely to the stress that the dc is under.

Obviously the nursery will have their own way of doing things. We had the benefit of it being an asd environment, so we weren’t trying to deal with the needs of NT dc at the same time. But it might be something to think about for yourself. You can set those expectations yourself.

Depending on what kind of strategies work for your ds, you could ease him in by extending the time he stays in the classroom each day, giving him a timer to carry. Or you could send him in with a task to complete (find out how many dc are in the room/ where the books are kept/ etc). The more clearly he can understand the terms that govern being able to come back to you, the easier it will be.

Hth. Good luck.

@thelegohooverer

If you use a visual schedule, be sure to put returning home on it!

I’ve worked with dc with asd and we found it very effective to have a parent come into the building, but not into the classroom. A staff member would come and chat to the parent, then to the child and then entice the child to follow them into the classroom for an activity and then come back to the waiting parent.

It was easier to extend the child’s comfort level at staying in the classroom and taking part in activities than to get the child to let their parent leave after they had come into the classroom.

It basically set up the idea from the start that the classroom is a place for children and teachers, not for parents. But they could go back to their parents if they wanted. We had big windows and they could see each other, but parents were outside.

From an NT perspective that seems a bit harsh, but for our dc with asd having those spaces clearly defined made the transitions easier. If the parents come into the room, the point at which they leave is arbitrary and difficult for the dc to predict and adds hugely to the stress that the dc is under.

Obviously the nursery will have their own way of doing things. We had the benefit of it being an asd environment, so we weren’t trying to deal with the needs of NT dc at the same time. But it might be something to think about for yourself. You can set those expectations yourself.

Depending on what kind of strategies work for your ds, you could ease him in by extending the time he stays in the classroom each day, giving him a timer to carry. Or you could send him in with a task to complete (find out how many dc are in the room/ where the books are kept/ etc). The more clearly he can understand the terms that govern being able to come back to you, the easier it will be.

Hth. Good luck.

Thankyou that’s so so helpful

Yes definitely get photos of nursery, the car if you drive or buggy if you walk, staff photos, photos of who will be collecting him, a photo of your house. We gave a set to nursery and made a mini version for our son when he was older on a keyring he could keep in his pocket. We honestly had some terrible meltdowns and transition times were the worst. Nursery asked me to drop off in the end and quickly say goodbye because ds wasn't any calmer with me there, it was just prolonging them being able to try and distract him. Try and keep smiling while your handing him over aswell! The amount of times i burst into tears when I came out were crazy lol. Sometimes they could distract him and sometimes he would meltdown for the whole 3 hours. Consistently is key i found

We also made a good transition timetable with Velcro and made a box with a slot in it. So ds would for example have snack, when this was finished we took the photo off and he posted it in the box, to reaffirm its finished. Coming in and going outside to play were hard for him, so nursery started with 10 minutes sand timers, then five,all the way down to one so he had plenty of warning.

@chicolateteapot I'm about to start settling in my undiagnosed 2 year old into nursery soon. And seriously stressed. How did it go with your DC in the end?