I am 30 weeks pregnant and have a 2 year old DS. DH works long hours and works away most of the week.
On his days off this weekend (he doesn’t always have weekends off) I said I had a number of jobs to do Saturday morning - clean the house, sort some admin with utility company and duplicate bills, do a food shop, sort car insurance renewal. Things which I’d not been able to do in the week with work, DS etc. DS had had to stay home from nursery for a corona test for this week so that prevented me from working one day and is going anywhere until we had the results.
I work 3 days a week and have the other days with DS. DS is a busy toddler and keeps me on my toes. My job is professional and I earn a decent salary (a third of our household take home, after childcare) but it’s definitely much less pressured than DH’s. He works long hours and I don’t dispute he works really hard to support us all. He doesn’t see DS much, if at all, during the week and is seldom there for wake up or bedtime so DS is always desperate to see him when he’s home. He didn’t see him Sunday - Friday last week.
Saturday morning came and he had some jobs he wanted to do outside. So he dropped his DS from a prev relationship with his parents (he has him EOW) when he realised I was trying to get something done too and clearly intended me to look after DSS whilst he got on. I was a bit pissed off as he’d commented that the house was untidy/unclean, the fridge empty - so he recognised these things needed doing but couldn’t give me a few hours to watch DS get them done.
I mentioned to him that I was starting to feel a bit overwhelmed spinning all the plates in the house, with childcare and life admin and virtually no help from him. I can’t remember when he last cooked a meal. He doesnt read his own post, doesn’t know where anything is kept, after being in a new house 3-4 months he didn’t know how to use the microwave or oven. He doesn’t even clean up after himself, doesn’t ever put a wash on, I’m lucky if he puts his own plate in the dishwasher. Ironically something that attached me to him was he was clean, tidy and seemingly self sufficient.
He shows no interest in helping with childcare, taking care of either DSS or DS seems like a hardship and I’ve noticed he’s been organising his days off for my working days when DS is in nursery, I pulled him up on this and he said those were the best days as he gets to do all his DIY and projects in the garden. Which I appreciate adds value but means I spend 12 out of 14 days practically on my own with DS. As the only times he’s home with him is when DSS is here, the other days off choosing to busy himself in the garden and still leaving me to it. I asked him to put him to bed before another stint of him working away and he said no - despite the fact that was the first time in about 10 days.
He made me a coffee this weekend and it struck me he hasn’t done that for weeks. If I ask him to fetch milk on his way home he’ll forget. I can’t rely on him at all. About two weeks ago I asked him to take the bin out (I emptied the kitchen bin and left the bag by the back door, he was in and out all day) it took 11 hours and about 5-6 reminders, he asked which bin was refuse and which was recycling. He was off work and I was working from home.
I am just getting sick of him organising his life around what he wants to do - projects in the garden, which yes, are nice, but I can’t see that they’re an absolute priority, whilst I’m doing absolutely everything else for DS, reaching the latter stages of pregnancy and just feeling I want a bit of support. I spoke to him and he asked me what I wants him to do about it. Said that’s “life” and that I was being dramatic. I’ve been teary all weekend. My mum came over Saturday, by chance and I asked her to watch DS just whilst I did a few bits and broke down to her. I’d just like to feel supported and appreciated and for DH to recognise that looking after a toddler is quite full on and actually contribute a bit to that when he’s home, rather than plan his time around both his kids. This was a very much planned and wanted pregnancy. Actually DH was a great Dad to DSS and that was part of what made me what kids with him. But we’ve been renovating a new house and now it’s practically done (inside is done) I feel he hasn’t made anytime for either child for the duration of that - now 7 months and those things aren’t at all urgent. He never, ever asks how I’d like to spend a day, I never know when he’ll be home to make plans childfree. If I do make plans without DS (rare) I have to ask my parents, who do help for a few hours here and there and have had DS for my scans and appointments.
Just need to whinge and get some perspective.