Letting go

[blahblahblah321]

This is going to sound stupid I know, but I find this really hard to know how to let go of.

Years ago (5/6 years) I was part of a trio of friends. We were very close, and I particularly spent a lot of time with one as we were in a similar position - both SAHM with youngest children just started school. The three families all had children the same age so we did lots together.

A couple of years later the friend who I spent most time with, and I , fell out. Mainly my fault, I'd always struggled to deal with something she did (always blaming my son for her sons behaviour etc) and in the end I spoke to her about it. She didn't like it, so that was that. The end of the friendship.

Initially I felt devastated, not only that the friendship was gone but also that she didn't care how upset I had been. Then I became relieved to not have her as a friend anymore as she obviously wasn't a good one if she didn't care about my feelings.

She continued to be friends with our other friend, who I'm still very close to. We talk daily. The two families are very close, always going away together, spend birthdays together etc.

I'm sounding jealous, I probably am! In recent years I've found it tough that I'm never invited to anything for my friends birthday etc. It was friends birthday recently and the two families went away and I felt upset giving my friend her present before they left, knowing I wouldn't see her as she'd be with the other family.

I've tried so hard to let go of it. It hurt a lot when I fell out with my ex friend, a lot. So I know that's the reason I find it tough watching the two friends/families having such a great time doing something I'm never invited to.

I sound childish I know, so please don't beat me when I'm down. I know I sound ridiculous but it's constant. I've taken breaks from social media to avoid seeing all of the photos etc. I have been tempted to move away from my friendship to try and deal with my upset but she's a very special friend to me, so I'd rather just find a way to find closure, than to wave goodbye to that friendship. I accept they are friends, I don't have any control over that and wouldn't want to! I think it's the fact one of my closest friends chooses to spend time with someone that upset me so much.

Will I just move on eventually?

P.S I've never spoken to my friend about what happened, so I have no idea if she knows or just thinks we drifted apart. I didn't want to drag her into it as that isn't fair.

I think you'd feel better if you just focused on what you do with your friend, rather than what she does with others. Do you judge all her other friends (I doubt it) so set something up with her yourself to celebrate her birthday rather than watching how she celebrates it with someone else.

Thanks @ChicChaos

TBH we don't do anything together really sadly, although do talk daily which I value immensely. She also does very little with any other friends - her/her family's friendship with the other family is quite intense, they holiday together, do NYE together, day trips , birthdays etc. It's weird as I'm quite an introverted person so I wouldn't want all of that, so to a certain extent it's not a jealousy thing as I wouldn't want that level, it just sometimes would be nice if my friend and I could do something together.

I think a lot of it stems from the fact we always would have done things together as a large group, the argument happened and then we were the ones that were pushed out. Like they all moved on without us?!

Oh I sound ridiculous! Honestly I annoy myself so much about it, why do I let myself get upset by it. I thought I wouldn't care anymore but i bloody do. It's so flipping childish !!

Don’t beat yourself up about this, it’s natural to feel as you do.

• ask yourself what you don’t have in your life that you’d like to have - a couple more friends/people do do things with??
• figure out how to make that happen start to happen
• would you like to do a bit more with this friend? What?
• block all social media that will alert you to this other friendship - including your existing friend. If you talk to her every day you don’t need to see her insta

You’re not childish, in fact it’s completely mature and extremely fair that you have thought and considered this and how you are responding and what it is which is actually upsetting you.

I think you have a part solution already. It sounds as though you have grieved and overcome the loss of your other friend. But - as you put yourself “ just sometimes would be nice if my friend and I could do something together”.

Have you asked her?

Maybe trying to arrange something with them might be the answer. Not to “replicate” what they do but maybe something new, a kind of new growth in your relationship.

It sounds like you are stuck a bit, in this role of just being a ‘chat’ friend. You would like to be active friend.
I suggest you explore how much your friend would be open to changing the relationship in this way. Of course small steps and not overnight, but perhaps if she is not willing to see you differently you will at least know where you stand and then can make a decision on the future of friendship.
I think the ‘finding out’ part will naturally lead you to a conclusion which you won’t be able to reach without making a move