When your partner is quiet, do you care? Do you worry you’re boring?

[Pinklesto]

Whenever my partner is quiet I panic. I know this sounds ridiculous and it’s not sustainable to have a relationship when I worry about something so minor...but I will think he’s bored of me or he’s second guessing us or he’s not happy. I find it hard to relax myself really, I always feel I have to be ‘on form.’ It’s tiring. I worry about being boring?

I sometimes ask him and he says he’s fine. But obviously the more I ask the more insecure and silly I sound.

Are other people’s partner’s quiet? Does it bother you?

I’m not a teenager even though this post reads like one

My dh is mostly silent, it does bother me but that's just who he is, he doesn't really talk much.

I'm the opposite, I go mad if I don't constantly talk 🙈 that's how my dh knows if I'm tired or annoyed.

Mine is the same. I just learned to understand that is the way he is. He never gets excited in good times or bad. He is steady and level headed and very happy. He does not do drama or he wouldn't wake up with something new to do. I have to think of stuff then he is happy to go along with it. He is a very very good nan. Most decent I have ever met.

Maybe hold back a bit yourself- don't give too much of yourself and see does he open up or notice.

We've been married for 33 years and I just love the comfortable silences!

I am guessing you have perhaps not been together very long?

Man not nan😂

Yes, my partner is also quite quiet but this suits me fine. If I want a chat I call my friends. He’s just an introvert and a deep thinker. If I nagged him to speak every thought it would irritate him.

My partner gets like this on holiday. He insists it’s because he’s so happy and relaxed, I spend the whole time in a panic though thinking I’ve picked somewhere terrible and he’s having a horrible time

Thanks. It’s not the lack of chat I mind, I like silence!

It just makes me worry that it means something bad about the relationship. I’ve always been like this and of course once I ask and ask and ask, it makes things shit.

My OH needs his quiet time; after a day of Teams calls for both of us, it works. There's nothing wrong, he just needs his down time.

You sound very thoughtful Op, but this is something you need to work on. I can often be very quiet & I'm probably thinking something totally random like do birds snore or what shall I order from the curry place later. If my partner was constantly asking me if I was OK it would drive me nuts.

@Vodkaandballoon yeah that’s my worry. It really annoys me I can’t just ignore it and know it’s all fine! We are only together a few months so it’s probably that too but it’s exhausting. I also feel worried if I’m not on form and chatty and happy all the time.

It's understandable when you're in a new relationship. Try to reframe it he's quiet because he feels totally at ease in your company, everything is going great & he doesn't need to fill I'm the gaps.

No one is happy and chatty all the time! Is this a new thing for you, or have you felt like this in other relationships? It sounds like a real insecurity about whether someone would want to be with you just as you are, that you have to be a certain way to be loved. Do you know where you picked it up?

I used to worry. Then I realised I'm an introvert myself and I need space too! I have a full on, full time job (infant school teacher) plus 2 DCs. Any quiet time I get is a bonus

Sometimes we just WhatsApp each other when we can't be bothered to chat 😁

No not at all, but we are both quite happy in our own company and tend to spend evenings doing our own separate thing, I think I would find it stifling to spend every evening doing things together.

My dp is a very quite man, he talks a lot more around me though and in the beginning I used to think he was bored but now I know that it's just him and I find that I'm a lot quiter around him now. I no longer feel like I have to be on all the time. I'll occasionally check in that he is alright or he will get a burst of chattiness. We've falling into a good balance for us thankfully

My DH is a quiet person. It's funny because the rest of his family are very chatty. I think maybe when he was growing up he couldn't get a word in edgewise!

OP, you know the solution to this is to work on your self esteem. If you think well of yourself, you'll assume that your partner wants to be with you (unless there is evidence to the contrary).

Why aren't you worrying that he's boring? I'm not saying he is, just why does it have to be your fault?

My DH is pretty quiet, it's just his personality. I'm very outgoing and chatty though so our relationship is basically me just talking at him most of the time

So no it doesn't bother me when he's not talkative. I find it odd that this would make you think he's bored of you or unhappy in the relationship. He's probably just tired, or daydreaming, or got things on his mind, or not in a talkative mood. In fact there are so many other things that I would assume before thinking he's bored of me.

In the nicest possible way, you need to work on your self esteem. Because thinking like that could be seriously detrimental to your relationships. It could come across as very needy and quite emotionally draining for your partner iyswim.

@Vodkaandballoon now I’m wondering if birds do snore! 😂