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Original poster

I’m I overreacting?

20 replies

Haz482 · 29/05/2021 13:51

Backstory/ I moved away from my friends and family, I have two kids with my partner. Both under two, my family live 4 hours away so see my mum every 2/3 weeks. My partners mum and dad live round the corner and are non existent, they take my eldest when it suits them (my youngest is on 6 weeks, so don’t expect them to offer to take her). I’ve asked so many times for help but they are to busy/have plans. Recently my in-laws have been either not showing up or cancelling 40/50 minutes after they are meant to pick him up. It’s been three and a half weeks since they last saw them both, I’m I right to be upset that they aren’t helping me or even offering to help? I have no friends where I am, I can’t go to baby groups as I have no car and live in the countryside (15 minute drive to the closest town). I honestly feel so alone, is this normal for grandparents to be this absent? As I know if i was closer to my family I’d see them 4/5 times a week.

Also I know it’s not about gifts but is it normal that any baby things in their home is mine? Bibs, socks, toys, bowls, coats, nappies etc. Everything I’ve packed they just keep without asking. In the two years they have maybe bought a plate and cutlery set but only because I wasn’t going to pack a plate or knives and forks.

I’m I overreacting? Are my hormones just crazy at the moment? Any advice please

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 29/05/2021 13:56

Do you ever ask to just spend time with them, all going for a day out or just hanging out, with them being fun grandparents? If not, perhaps your in laws feel a bit resentful that all you seem to want is for them to be providing help and babysitting, on your terms. I wouldn’t want to see relatives 4 or 5 times a week really anyway, let alone if they were expecting me to put myself out.

ComtesseDeSpair · 29/05/2021 13:58

And if you can’t drive and live rurally and it’s affecting your ability to live independently and build your own life, you need to do something about that - either learn to drive, or think seriously about whether being isolated with two children is practical and whether it’s time to move house.

UhtredRagnarson · 29/05/2021 13:59

Move back to your family.

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PerveenMistry · 29/05/2021 14:00

Why on earth did you choose to have two kids with apparently zero support system and few resources?

Your boyfriend's parents clearly are not interested in providing routine child care, nor are they obliged to. You'll have to find other solutions.

Original poster
Haz482 · 29/05/2021 14:05

Before my little girl was born and when I had a car I used to drive them everywhere, we used to go to the farm, zoo and parks most weekends. But after I sold my car last January they’ve never asked me, I alway feel like I’m a burden when I ask to go out for the day. Me and mum are really close, I would love to move back but I don’t see it becoming an option til they start school.

OP posts:
Returnoftheowl · 29/05/2021 14:09

@ComtesseDeSpair

Do you ever ask to just spend time with them, all going for a day out or just hanging out, with them being fun grandparents? If not, perhaps your in laws feel a bit resentful that all you seem to want is for them to be providing help and babysitting, on your terms. I wouldn’t want to see relatives 4 or 5 times a week really anyway, let alone if they were expecting me to put myself out.
I agree with this.

Unfortunately you can't make grandparents take an interest. They have raised their children, they are unlikely to have been involved in the decision to have grandchildren, maybe you need to revise your expectations unfortunately.

I also feel that seeing family 4 to 5 times a week is too much.

Returnoftheowl · 29/05/2021 14:10

@Haz482

Before my little girl was born and when I had a car I used to drive them everywhere, we used to go to the farm, zoo and parks most weekends. But after I sold my car last January they’ve never asked me, I alway feel like I’m a burden when I ask to go out for the day. Me and mum are really close, I would love to move back but I don’t see it becoming an option til they start school.
Is getting a car an option? Sounds like it will provide you with some more freedom and options.
MindyStClaire · 29/05/2021 14:11

I think your family has different expectations and customs to your partner's. I wouldn't be expecting to see family that's four hours away every 2-3 weeks, or family that's local 4-5 times a week. So maybe revise your expectations down a bit.

Bluntness100 · 29/05/2021 14:12

I’m sorry yes yoire not entitled to their help. They have done their child rearing and do not need to step in to support yours. Some grandparents do many don’t. They aren’t doing anything wrong. But they shouldn’t be cancelling at the last moment.

Why did you sell your car?

Bluntness100 · 29/05/2021 14:15

Also sorry op but seeing them four to five times a week is really unusual. Most adults don’t see their parents that often and live independently.

I think you need to get a car again. Did you have to sell it for financial reasons?

Original poster
Haz482 · 29/05/2021 14:15

Me and mum are really close and she drives all that way so she has a bond with her grandkids. I don’t want his parents to see me 4/5 times a week. But to be on time and not show up/ cancel doesn’t seem like to much to ask? My son has ASD so structure is extremely important in our house, everything is planned to the hour

OP posts:
AGirlsGotToDo · 29/05/2021 14:16

Think you need to get yourself a car so that you are able to get out to baby groups etc. It'll give you so much freedom and you'll feel less relient on your in laws.
Your in laws sound unreliable and I don't think it's to much to expect some help especially as you have a 6 week old. It is hard going. You've got this though. 💪

TreeDice · 29/05/2021 14:16

They're your kids not theirs - it would be nice for them to see them but its not their responsibility.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 29/05/2021 14:18

Sorry but they are not responsible for your children. You choose to have children close in age. My pil have never looked after my kids. The live 10 mins away, they haven't seen my youngest since she was born, she's 4 months now. My parents haven't looked after my kids in ages either, and they never offer. I only ask if I have actually have something to do that the kids can't come to.
I can't believe your family live 4 hours away and visit every couple of weeks!
I just don't understand this expectation on grandparents to look after children. They didn't have them. They can have a relationship with their grandchildren without being expected to be the unpaid childcare!

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 29/05/2021 14:22

Why did you move so far away from your family, and then sell your car!
I would be looking to move to be closer to my mum ASAP before the children start nursery or school. Your mum must be fed up travelling all that way aswell.

Shitfuckcommaetc · 29/05/2021 14:25

It seems to me that maybe they don't want to be your childcare?

Maybe offer to spend the day together with all of you doing something. Rather than trying to force them to take full responsibility for your child

katy1213 · 29/05/2021 14:30

You chose to have children. You chose to live in the back of beyond without a car. You're making huge assumptions if you think that anybody will want to see your children four or five times a week! Of course, your in-laws see them 'when it suits them.' Because why should they be expected to see them when it doesn't suit?

custardbear · 29/05/2021 14:35

Both children under 2, I'd be spending a lot more time at my mums house! Get another car, get independence back and start enjoying your family
Is there any way you can move back?
What does your DH say?
I have always lived without support but we always knew that but if your mum is not that far I'd be there weekly for sure for a few days at a time

SpnBaby1967 · 29/05/2021 19:50

Rarely see my in laws and I'm fine with that, same with my siblings. Mum lives quite a distance away so see her once a month ish. SIL lives a 4 hour drive away so is maybe twice a year. DH used to work shifts including earlies, lates, and nights when my kids were your kids age and I didn't have a car either.

It's not easy, but you have to learn to live your family life without that kind of help and then if you get it that's a bonus. You shouldn't expect it though.

Bluntness100 · 29/05/2021 20:28

I think you’re maybe having unrealistic expectations op, I’m sorry. It’s great you’re so close to your mum, but your inlaws are not there to help you raise your kids, most don’t do that, some do, but it’s not something you’re entitled to, they are not doing wrong in not providing it

If you and your husband decided for some reason you don’t need a car, for financial reasons or otherwise this is on you and him to deal with the consequences of. You’re not children and your inlaws are not responsible to step up and start taking you places because of your decisions and financial management

If you think about it in terms of you’re an adult and try to accept you are. Your kids are yours. You’re responsible to take care of them, you’re responsible for your own transportation, and everything else associated with your life and your kids, becayse you’re a grown up. The grandparents are just there for visits, fun etc. Then it might be easier for you to understand,

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