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Original poster

Made my first friend as an adult - awkward

23 replies

pe3k · 29/05/2021 08:41

This is embarrassing.
I'm in my 30s and have not had any friends since I left school.
I've recently started a new job and the people there are great.
Previously I worked in a job with all but one female and it all was a bit bitchy. I didn't click with anyone.

However, in my new job I've got to know a man who is just like me. He doesn't seem the most outgoing person but we enjoy each other's company at work and we make each other laugh. I would like to see him outside of work too.

Here are the problems:

He's male. Is that a problem?
I have a dp who only has male friends. I don't know if I would feel weird about him having a new female friend.

Also, this is the only friend I've made since adulthood other than dp. Would dp think this is odd?

What do friends do these days?
Should I ask him for coffee, a walk?
I don't want him thinking I like him other than a friend.
In the nicest way, I do not find him physically attractive.

He knows I am in a happy relationship with my dp and he is with his dp so it shouldn't be an issue.

Im just so out of touch with friendships. Especially as it's a male/female friendship which I've never had ( apart from dp).

Please someone help me Blush I feel so silly.

OP posts:
wildseas · 29/05/2021 08:43

Why don’t you invite him and his partner for a drink/coffee/lunch with you and your partner ?
That way there is no confusion, you see him out of work, and start building on the friendship Smile

Custardo · 29/05/2021 08:45

yep invite the partner too and go to dinner - that way neither of them get the wrong idea

Branleuse · 29/05/2021 08:48

I would just keep him as a work friend, but take a bit of confidence in the fact that you clearly can make friends and get on with people more than you thought

WildfirePonie · 29/05/2021 09:25

I would be wary of making "friends" at work. Best not to go there. Work colleagues are never friends imo.

Original poster
pe3k · 29/05/2021 09:28

@WildfirePonie

I would be wary of making "friends" at work. Best not to go there. Work colleagues are never friends imo.
I don't understand. Why not?
OP posts:
Original poster
pe3k · 29/05/2021 09:29

@wildseas
@Custardo

That all seems a bit formal. Is that a normal thing to do with a new friend?

OP posts:
paralysedbyinertia · 29/05/2021 09:30

@WildfirePonie

I would be wary of making "friends" at work. Best not to go there. Work colleagues are never friends imo.
Really? Most of my closest friends were made through work. I don't work with them any more, but that's how the friendships started. Why can't work colleagues be friends?
starrynight21 · 29/05/2021 09:40

Would you be happy if your DP announced that he was now friends with a wonderful woman from work who is "just like him", makes him laugh etc, and who he is now going to spend time with outside of work ? If you wouldn't feel happy about that, don't do it.

BrilliantBetty · 29/05/2021 09:45

I would invite him and his partner to join you and yours at a pub of an evening.
For example 'DH are going to the pub on Friday, looks nice weather we'll be sitting in the beer garden. Think there's a bad on later too. Do you and your partner fancy joining?'

That's the kind of thing I usually suggest to potential friends. Something quite relaxed

BrilliantBetty · 29/05/2021 09:45

Band*

Pinchoftums · 29/05/2021 09:50

Ignore the friends at work thing. One of my best friends I met at work 20-years ago, we haven't worked together for 15 years!

Pinchoftums · 29/05/2021 09:51

Impact he's a man and I'm a woman and it's never been an issue.

Pinchoftums · 29/05/2021 09:51

In fact not impact!

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 29/05/2021 09:56

I'd meet up with partners or just suggest doing something on your lunch break. Most of my friends are male and this is what we do.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 29/05/2021 09:59

Keep him as a work friend for a while , go to lunch together ?
Things will naturally progress in time to couples dinners / drinks
It's far too early to suggest 4 strangers sitting awkwardly round a table

IEat · 29/05/2021 10:13

Male friend from work is more like me (I’m female) we have same sense of humour, get pissed off by the same crap.. 2 peas in a pod. I’d rather be talking to him than the bitchy moany women have to work with

stampo · 29/05/2021 10:21

Definitely agree you should just continue to be friends at work and it will evolve naturally into a suggestion of doing something outside of work. I don't worry about my husband having female friends who he catches up with but i guess you know your own DH.

As a side note i have lots of friends from the many jobs I've had over my lifetime. Weird suggestion from a pp that your colleagues shouldn't be your friends.

SomethingNastyInTheBallPool · 29/05/2021 10:29

I’ve made loads of friends, male and female, at work. Some are still close friends 20+ years on.

Nothingwillcomeofnothing · 29/05/2021 10:46

@pe3k
I think it’s fantastic that you have made a friend and I think you could try to be as honest with him as you have been on here.
Just tell him you enjoy his company as a friend etc, as you say ,he is aware of your partner.Try not to over think it , just enjoy the friendship.

SleepingStandingUp · 29/05/2021 10:52

I have male friends and I wouldn't accept DH Having an issue with it as a reason to not have them. However as it's the only friend you have besides DH I would approach it more cautiously.

For now stick to hanging out at lunch time etc and wait for something natural to come up - a movie you're both desperate to see, a band you both like and then if you'd usually go with DH, suggest to him you invite Steve from work and his wife as they really like X too

CorianderBee · 29/05/2021 10:55

I have lots of male friends and DP lots of female friends. It's only a problem if the friendship becomes romantic or if you have form for cheating

Vallmo47 · 29/05/2021 11:02

Happy for you OP. I think it’s a lovely idea to bring partners and thereby making it very “clear” that you see him as a friend, just in case he sees it as anything different. Then after that I’d feel a lot more comfortably saying “Fancy going for a coffee” or whatever. It’s a polite thing to do IMO.

Damnloginpopup · 29/05/2021 11:06

You've already made friends with each other. So that's good, you don't have to get crossed wires about going out for a coffee together etc. You do need to be very open with your partner's if you do go out though, just to stop them from getting things confused. Also, as you are already friends then it's a bit easier to invite them for a BBQ or other casual thing as couples.

I have always had friends of the opposite sex and still have, dating back to 1989, and haven't shagged any of them yet. My various partner's have sat at their tables from time to time. I also have friends at work, my team and others I've worked with, but I never socialise with colleagues (not even Facebook). I spend long enough with them as it is but then none of us socialise with each other outside work either - could be role specific, shift related or because we are all to old for that shit I suppose - but you go for it, it's nice to spend leisure time with someone you want to!

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