Suspect DD may want to be a DS

[LEMtheoriginal]

Or more precisely neither gender. She is 15 and will pretty much only wear primark black leggings and a hoody. Fine.

She tells me of her friend who wants to be referred to as "they" and be non binary. Shes 15, nearly 16.

She has her school leavers assembly soon and is insisting on getting a mans suit as womens suits are too fitted??? She got upset when i said she may struggle with fit, especially in the trousers. I didn't push it but she was saying "your annoyed arent you?" I jokingly said have you something you want to tell me, but shr snapped at me.

Im fairly laid back about sexuality and always thought she might end up being gay. Most of her friends are boys and she is very non girly, i guess pretty gothy. Never shown an interest in boys romantically, nor girls for that matter.

I honestly dont care how she wants to identify andhave always made it clear to DD my views on lgbt things.

So how do i handle this? Or indeed does it even need handling? I want her feel she can talk to me without judgement but i also dont want to make her feel uncomfortable and force the issue. There may not even be an issue but if she wants to be something id like her to feel she can if that makes sense??

It does sound to me a little like you are making and issue where there isn’t (yet?) an issue.
Wanting to change gender is a pretty massive and difficult life change. It’s not something I’d be actively suggesting to my children. If she’s not decided it by herself (again, yet?) I’d not be making a big deal about it.
I’d keep making it clear that your love is unconditional, allowing her make choices for herself like the clothing thing and be accepting and non-judgemental about her friend.
Hopefully then she’ll know she can tell you if she wants and that you will support her.
Wanting to wear ‘male’ clothing doesn’t mean you actually want to be a boy.

I’d stop trying to label her, leave her be.

Let her wear what she wants, how it fits is up to her, just let her choose and don’t make a fuss.

If you really are fine with how she identifies or if she might be gay then show it by not reacting like you are now and trying to pigeon hole her. I don’t think it really needs handling as such, just let her know you love her and you’re there for her, and leave it at that.

Oh, and none of this means she wants to be a boy at all, it’s just clothes

I don’t think there’s anything to handle? Poor kids, want to wear a suit and it makes their mum dance around wanting them to confess some deep dark secret. Just accept her however she is, and let her work it out.

I do not think you need to do anything a the minute, let her come to you. Maybe she does not yet know who she is (straight, gay, bi). Just because she wants a mans suit does not mean she wants to be one, surely thats a huge conclusion to jump to? I have a 17 year old dd who is having relationship problems with her first bf and I am having to do everything i can to hold my tongue and let her tread her own path, I think this is what you need to do. Let her know you are there for her and she will open up when she is ready.

Lolz you need to just chill your massively over invested in this

I always wore boys clothes only really had friends who were boys - I’m not gay and don’t want to be male

In fact at 32 I still buy a lot of male clothing / i prefer the fit

I’ve got a husband and a baby !

She sounds like a teenager. I have one like this. It's OK. If she needs to talk to you she will, otherwise accept your place as an uncool dinosaur who knows nothing.

I think my title is misleading, i certainly dont think she wants to be a boy. Just struggling to define it.

Its not Just the clothes, uts other things too , she talks about her friend a lot and i always say they can be whatever they wish.

But you are right, i wont push the issue. I just don't want to ignore it if she WANTS to talk about it, if that makes sense.

What i do know is she makes me almost burst with pride, beautiful, intelligent, caring person and i love her.

@chickenyhead yep, i think youve nailed it

Just let her get on with it and stop making snide comments about the suit?

What snide comments?

I didn’t read the statement in the Op, that men’s suit trousers probably won’t fit a female, as snide. That isn’t prejudice either, just natural proportions.
As I write this I’m wearing a hoody ds outgrew. It’s ok but roomy in places (fits across boobs though). Trousers though, no hope.

One of my nieces would never wear "girls" clothes- she wore smart trousers and a white shirt with a tie to her sister's wedding. Played football, local junior team, now coaches. Trained as a trade in the construction industry.

We all let her make her own choices- she wore what she liked, did what she enjoyed. Now in her mid 20's, she is a confident young woman, who still doesn't wear skirts, or high heels, she's well respected in her trade and still enjoys "male" sports.
She's getting married (covid permitting) to her boyfriend.

Thank goodness no one took her off for gender reassignment 10 years ago!

The best thing to do is to not ask questions that question her choice or intelligence. You must assume that she must have thought about anything she will ask you. So there should be no question from your side other than, did you have any particular store in mind? Shall I take you shopping?
You say you are fine with LGBT matters but just the fact you find it worth mentioning may mean you are not really comfortable with it and a certain amount of trepidation, fear, or judgement is being felt through your body language and tone of voice by your daughter. Kids are surprisingly sharp at picking up our unspoken language.
If you want her to talk to you then you genuinely have to make her feel safe through actions only. This means:think twice about questioning her reasons or judgement, if she asks for a certain type of clothing than just take her shopping for it. Be interested in her interests and stimulate them even if you find them weird. If you know her dress style then when you are out with her and you see something boyish that you think might fit her and her style then say, I think that could look good on you, what do you think? but don't do this at every opportunity, do it when you genuinely think it would fit her. Try to put yourself in her shoes and see things from her perspective and from her interests.
And don't think that saying she can feel safe to tell you anything will be believed by her. Words mean nothing only actions do.

Oh , and try to accept that she is who she is without labeling her or wanting to label her or worse asking or wanting her to label herself. She is just a person and she is your daughter and that by itself makes her a wonderful unique person. You should celebrate every quirk rather than question it.

I think my title is misleading, i certainly dont think she wants to be a boy. Just struggling to define it.

You don't need to define it!

Or more precisely neither gender.

As long as she understands her sex is female, I wouldn’t be getting into conversations about gender other than to say how harmful stereotypes are to everyone. She can wear what she likes.