Why can't I grieve!

[PASStheCAKEandCHOC]

I lost my DNan early this year. I was the one who found her passed away.
I cried then, I cried at her funeral but that was weird because of restrictions, I cried putting the bits in the coffin. But not properly cried if makes sense. I felt I had to be brave as my DM and DS was with me.

She was just the best! She had so much love to give everyone. She didn't have the easiest of life's but she never let us see that. I'm so angry the pandemic meant she died alone, lonely over the past year.
Im angry because I never got to say goodbye.
I can't even bring myself to go to the graveside, I did on mother's day. But she'd not long been buried so it was more to tidy up the funeral Flowers and make it nice.
I drive past there a few times a week. I always say hello how are you. Out loud or in my head if I have people with me.

But the really silly thing is, it's the first person I've known in my left to be buried, she's with my GF whom I never met.. And one thing rjay goes in my head is when we chose funeral clothes for her. My DM said we need to put a jumper on her so she don't get cold! She knew it was a silly thing to say as such but my god that sticks in my head..

Im gutted I was the one who found her but also meant I got to try and help her but it was too late.
I've never expressed how I feel with dh or anyone. I've always struggled with that with people I know, and that will never change. So I feel I'm keeping it all in?

I don’t think you can grieve properly whilst you’re angry. There are stages of loss which you need to go through before you experience grief.

Having said that though, I didn’t feel a huge amount of grief when my last grandma died a few years ago. She’s stopped being herself, she could no longer hear or see and didn’t want to be with us any more. It was more relief when she went.

Sorry for your loss.
Mine was absolutely fine she just 'fell asleep' after her supper and that was that.

She wasn't as mobile but everything else was all there.

I try to look at the lovely things. She'd finally seen a family fued 'fixed' she was happy.
She saw all her GGC's reach their 1st birthday. (mine being the last one too) she got to go to my wedding just before the pandemic.
I think she was just at peace. She was in pain with he rjoints had been for years. So she's no longer in pain.

It's silly as we know they won't be here forever but i just didn't want her to go yet.

There are no rules about grief. Everybody is different, you have cried, and you have happy memories. There may be days when something makes you think of her, might be something that makes you smile or something which gives you a lump in your throat. There is no right or wrong, just feel the way you feel and don't expect too much of yourself. I am so sorry for your loss, it is tough, my mother died last year and it has all been very weird because of Covid.

I'm sorry about your Nan . I think you need to be kind to yourself, whatever your feelings are (and they may vary day to day) are your feelings and it's fine to feel them (too many feels in that sentence!). It's also OK to feel very contradictory things at once e.g. to be glad that she had a 'good death', quick and without suffering but also really really sad she's gone and wishing you had more time with her. Have you got someone you can talk to about her, maybe a little family get together to remember her would be nice (not necessarily in a very sad/solemn way, it may help you to share lots of happy memories of her and hear other people's)? Have you (or other family members) got some mementos and photos of her you can bring out and look at, or maybe you could listen to some favourite music or watch a favourite film or hers together? All these things can prompt some tears if you feel you're bottling it all up and need a good cry (fair!) but also is just nice to feel her continued 'presence' with you all and in your memories whether or not you feel the need to cry....

I do think we have very messed up stereotypes around death and grief in this country, generally the expectation is that you do all your grieving in a very brief intense period immediately after the death/funeral (even though you may be in shock if it was a sudden death or exhausted if it was a long illness or overwhelmed by 'arrangements'/family conflict/the need to support others or one of a million other things). During this 'grief' time close family relatives are expected to be crying all over the place, 'in pieces' even if like many Brits/English people you are normally more introverted and not used to public displays of emotion - it's hardly surprising many people feel a lot like they're acting a part or going through the motions at this stage. Then, bam, funeral's over and you are expected to snap back into normality and be 'over it' - in reality grief hits people sometimes many weeks or even months after the actual death and it can initially come out as anger or simply feeling really low rather than 'straight forward' sorrow. I found it very hard when I've experienced bereavements that people who were really kind and supportive in the immediate aftermath of the death suddenly seemed more distant and stopped mentioning the person who had died to me - I'm sure it wasn't on purpose but the seeming 'erasure' of them almost hurt more than the immediate shock of the death itself. So I think finding times to remember the person and talk about them is super helpful...

I do think other cultures maybe have better rituals around death and mourning - my DH is not European and his family are way more openly emotional (at all times, but especially around death) and have all sorts of set things they go through around supporting the bereaved people (special meals are made, rotations of people come to your house to keep you company etc) and various cathartic rituals that involve a lot of wailing and throwing yourself around as well as more symbolic/religious stuff - quite shocking to a repressed Brit I can tell you and not something that would work I think in our culture but they certainly seem a lot more generally healthy in how they process it than us!