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Original poster

How big of an age difference is an 'age gap relationship'?

24 replies

ProcrastionStation · 26/05/2021 12:48

Question as per the title....

Having read comments on a couple of threads referring to age gap relationships e.g. someone saying they would prefer their DC not be in an age gap relationship, i'm curious as to what that means to different people.

OP posts:

ComtesseDeSpair · 26/05/2021 12:56

I’d say anything over about a decade, give or take.

People say that age gaps don’t matter if you’re at a similar life stage and want the same things at the same time, and that’s probably somewhat true when both parties are between about 25 - 55. I think it does start to matter once one person gets above that though: a 60-year-old is going to be starting to think about retirement and slowing down; but if they have a 45-year-old (or younger) partner then that person might be approaching the very high point of their career and in no position either financially or in terms of ambition to slow down. Inevitably that’s going to cause a mismatch in goals and expectations. It can also be an issue if you meet somebody later in life and want children: a 50-year-old probably won’t be as enthusiastic about that as a 35-year-old.

My ex was 18 years older than me and it definitely began to show as we got older. He began turning into a grumpy middle aged man whilst I was still in my twenties and wanting fun. DP is 9 years older than me, and even with that gap we’ll have the retirement question to consider when the time comes, but for now we work well.

NuffSaidSam · 26/05/2021 13:05

I'd say about 10 years plus.

CornishGem1975 · 26/05/2021 13:08

There were 8 years between me and my ex, which was fine when we were younger but as I was nearing my 40s and he was nearing his 50s, it felt like the gap had widened.

MistySkiesAfterRain · 26/05/2021 13:13

From someone I know who has been married three times, they said over ten years. That is where it becomes noticeable especially as you age. In their words do you want to be nursing someone at the end.

To put it bluntly men die younger. I wonder if this is the subconscious reason for a man impressing a younger woman with their cash...they won't notice the age gap and will look after me when I'm decrepid 😂.

BogRollBOGOF · 26/05/2021 15:00

DH is 10 years older and I find the gap opens and closes. We took the early years gently for this reason. We wouldn't have shared the same youth culture anyway (location) but that probably opens upafter 6 years.

I reckon 10 years gap plus sex difference, and I'll get a nice few years on my own to enjoy going crazy cat lady tofinish off my life

MythsandSparkles · 26/05/2021 16:54

10 years or more.

Although I have my own exceptions depending on age - for instance 5 years I would say was an age gap when either partner is sub 25 - the difference between a 19 year old and a 24 year old is vast but I wouldn’t consider 26 and say 31 an age gap particularly.

Squiblet · 26/05/2021 16:59

The Americans say that the younger partner should be no less than (half the older partner's age + seven years). So for a 40-year-old, the youngest they could go would be a 27-year-old. But the Americans are more squeamish about big age gaps than our side of the pond, or so I've noticed.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 26/05/2021 17:04

DH and I are 2.5 years apart. A great age gap for siblings. Not an age gap at all for a married couple. Definitely around 10 years +

AtoZed · 26/05/2021 17:51

DH is 16 years older than me. We get on like a house on fire! I don't even think of his age tbh.

We're happy.

PaperMoonshine · 26/05/2021 17:59

Im 20 years older than one of my lovers. The age gap is what means we're not in a relationship. We get on well, and the sex is great, but the age gap is very noticeable to me. It seems to be less so to him.

After this experience, it's made even more about men who pursue/marry women 20+ years their junior. The life gap is very real.

FrDamo · 26/05/2021 18:23

We have a 10 year gap. Been together 25 years, we are now 50/60. I never notice issues with our gap but then he has always appeared and acted (not in a bad way) significantly younger than his chronological age. We had similar upbringings and scholastic backgrounds so a lot of our reference points from youth/school are in line. Shared values can be a big help.

I regularly meet men aged 60 in my line of work and think how old and decrepit they seem (impact of genetics, lifestyle choices etc, general outlook on life) and couldn't imagine being with someone like them.

Perhaps we are yet to meet the real life challenges of retirement, failing health, different goals and expectations etc that might cause problems in age gap relationships.

1988Username · 26/05/2021 18:41

Aged 18... I wouldn't like any older than 22 ish for my niece. My mum aged 70 I would say 15 years either side. More same time of life than age for me. I'm 32 I wouldn't have romantically a connection with a 18yr old or a 50yr old.

Grizalda · 26/05/2021 18:47

10+ years.

There's about that between me and dh and, like pp has said, fine when we were younger but now he's nearly 50 and I'm not yet 40 - it's got to the "we want completely different things " stage. It's a bit shit, tbh.

Nataliafalka · 26/05/2021 18:52

I had a relationship with a man 10 years older than me. Our kids were the same ages so he was at the same life stage as me. He didn’t feel older than me but I was conscious that in 10 years or 15 years time the gap would feel bigger. My partner is 2 years older than me and I feel much more comfortable with it

heidbuttsupper · 26/05/2021 18:57

My boyfriend is 15 years older than me (I'm 37 hes 52) I don't actually notice a difference at this stage in our lives

Bigbouncingbaby · 26/05/2021 19:05

My husband is 18 years older I’m 43 he is 61. He is young for his age I’m older so it works . But it’s not without issues . I’ve two kids that are 8 and 10 and he is brilliant with them . However it’s caused issues house and mortgage wise due to his age .

I do worry about future years what will happen he will retire in 8 years then what . But the time I retire he might be dead . I love him very much but if I could rewind the clock I’m not sure I would have done it

Gensola · 26/05/2021 19:26

My DH is 20 years older (I’m 36 he is 56) and we are very happy. He looks a little bit younger than his age (maybe late 40s/50) and is fit and healthy.
It has caused us issues with mortgage - we could only get a 19 year one due to his age so that made the payments very high and the insurance to go with it was £100 a month for him and only £16 for me!

Bigbouncingbaby · 26/05/2021 19:27

@Gensola we could only get an 8 😱 massively restrictive

SugarMiceInTheRain · 26/05/2021 19:36

So tricky to define. I'm just 40 and DH nearly 49. We are very happily married but l I feel more aware of the age gap now than when we married at 20 and 29. He seems to be slowing down and is happy to just potter at home, I still want adventure and passion.... Due to my lack of pension, however, I will be working well into my 70s whereas he will retire at 67 so I could well have 15-20 years of working after he retires though I doubt he'll live to see the day I retire in all honesty.

Actuallyabitgreynow · 26/05/2021 19:38

I'm 30 and my partner is 40, I don't really consider it an 'age gap relationship', whereas the last guy I dated was 45 and that definitely felt like an age gap. Could also have been the power dynamic there and the fact he had an adult daughter a couple of years younger than me!

Oakmaiden · 26/05/2021 19:50

It is strange that all the age gaps seem to be with an older man and younger woman. Hope does out generally work the other way?

ghostmouse · 26/05/2021 21:07

There's 18 years between my mum and step dad. Shes the older one.

Shes now 72 and he's 55.

It really doesn't work for them.

There's 7 years between me and dp. Thats perfect for me.

Gensola · 26/05/2021 21:30

@ghostmouse that’s sad I hope this doesn’t happen to my DM, she is 16 years older than my step dad. He is 36 and she is 52

ghostmouse · 27/05/2021 20:57

I think it depends on what type of relationship they have.

My mum is not very sprightly at all, needed hip and knee ops and is always ill. Hes a bit more lively but has epilepsy so they've ended up carers for each other I suppose.

They bicker and have nothing in common. Its a shame

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